The Jacuzzi is Closed GTFO - Perhaps the Key to Moving On

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I recently had a long conversation with a friend whos also a life coach. She' one of the few people whos been incredibly understanding, and also, knows my ex, and also, has some personal family experience with a BPD individual.

So we have been discussing the concept - Talking About It or Bringing Her Up   VS.   Not Talking About It or Bringing Her Up.

I am sure many of you, like me, fell this is no ordinary break up. Due to the lies, the gaslighting, the cheating, all the craziness that went on for SO long, and in the end we are left with no answers.  Ive had long term relationships before. But never this amount of "What the hell just happened" stirring inside me after all was said and done.

So after our talk, I had this incredible, I want to say near "revelation" level of thoughts and realizations that occured that night.

I can only describe it as a feeling of being Born Again. (I know that sounds crazy).

But during this time of deep thoughts, in the dark, thinking, I for the first time, thought about the fact that "I was actually born".

Now, we all know each of us, was born. But I had not really thought about it, the fact I had no memory, of what I would imagine was a very dramatic experience, dramatic and I am sure painful.

For months, I had been chilling out, in my own private jacuzzi. It was warm, I was well fed, fat and happy. There were few, if any disturbances, it was quiet, peaceful, bliss. Then, one day, WHAM. Where did all the water go?

So we experience afterwards, the darkness of infancy, where we do not remember being born, breast feeding, all these things-- we probabaly shouldnt remember. Because the memory of these things, well save for the Jacuzzi Memory, the before the water went out memory... .those other memories that followed, would haunt us.

But we didnt have the ability at that point of our development, to sit around with our baby buddies, sipping our bottles whining and complaining about what had happened. Im sure it would have gone on forever.

I have no doubt it was a moment of total WTF just happened! Seriously? Did I do someting wrong? Im sorry. Tell me what I did! Ill be better!  Put me back! Please, it was perfect! Put me back! Ill be good!

Theres no going back.

Which goes back to talking about it. Obsessing about it. Trying to figure out why... .where is the logic, for us to understand.

The reality is, when I was born, to put it simply: The Jacuzzi was Now Closed. GTFO.

That-- is why.

I realized, I got to stop talking about it, thinking about it, trying to figure out how I was hurt so badly, fooled, screwed over, in such a cruel way- were talking cheating, risking STDs, lying, and after, no goodbye, ghosting, after 5.5 years.

A traumatic experience. But there is no reason. There is no way I will ever understand. Because its just one of those things. Theres no reason. Not a reason which would make sense to a healthy person. Yea, it wasnt fair. Yea, it turned me into a crazy person. How can it not? No one deserves that. No one.  If you dont like me, then--- just dump me.  Right? Dont cheat on me, put me at risk for STDs for months, then just ghost me, no explanation. Thats not human. Right?  

And I cant sit around being angry. That she had told me, in the first months of dating, she had cheated on every boyfriend. I felt, I dunno... .I would be the exception. Wrong!  She cheated on me at least with 3 guy I know of spanning 4.5 of our 5.5 years. Shes not able to be loyal. I wasnt the outlier. The special one. Period.

So theres no reason. Except it wasnt meant to be. Theres nothing to figure out.

My ex?  There were certain things I can say I loved... .loved about her. Its why I want to go back, in that awesome jacuzzi.

The intimcy, the sex, was sex I had never experienced. So I think I am afraid, will I find that again?   I mean, I even joined the mile high club, flying first class, to Paris with this girl, on the biggest plane in the world... .It was out of this world intense.  I want that. Who knows... .what I will find. But I have to try.

I have to realize, as drawn as I am even still, to the sex, the warmth, the intimacy, the excitement, what new toy she has now- things unique to this relationship alone. I have no choice but to realize, and accept:

The Jacuzzi is Now Closed.  GTFO

Its out of order and not coming back.

I need to go find a new jacuzzi. They are out there. And reminiscing,  thinking how great my last jacuzzi was, wont help me at all. Driving my friends and family crazy tring to talk about it. Its not going to help.  This pattern, goes all the way back, to that very first jacuzzi... .I now have no memory of.  Im sure, at the time, I felt I could have lived there forever. And I also didnt spend years after I got kicked out, whining, complaining, and so on, as to why?

I think, perhaps the biggest part of healing, moving on, might be that day, you just stop talking about it. Period.  

Thank god I didnt.

[GoingBack2OC]

So I recently had a long conversation with a friend whos also a life coach. She' one of the few people whos been incredibly understanding, and also, knows my ex, and also, has some personal family experience with a BPD individual.

So we have been discussing the concept - Talking About It or Bringing Her Up   VS.   Not Talking About It or Bringing Her Up.

I am sure many of you, like me, fell this is no ordinary break up. Due to the lies, the gaslighting, the cheating, all the craziness that went on for SO long, and in the end we are left with no answers.  Ive had long term relationships before. But never this amount of "What the hell just happened" stirring inside me after all was said and done.

So after our talk, I had this incredible, I want to say near "revelation" level of thoughts and realizations that occured that night.

I can only describe it as a feeling of being Born Again. (I know that sounds crazy).

But during this time of deep thoughts, in the dark, thinking, I for the first time, thought about the fact that "I was actually born".

Now, we all know each of us, was born. But I had not really thought about it, the fact I had no memory, of what I would imagine was a very dramatic experience, dramatic and I am sure painful.

For months, I had been chilling out, in my own private jacuzzi. It was warm, I was well fed, fat and happy. There were few, if any disturbances, it was quiet, peaceful, bliss. Then, one day, WHAM. Where did all the water go?

So we experience afterwards, the darkness of infancy, where we do not remember being born, breast feeding, all these things-- we probabaly shouldnt remember. Because the memory of these things, well save for the Jacuzzi Memory, the before the water went out memory... .those other memories that followed, would haunt us.

But we didnt have the ability at that point of our development, to sit around with our baby buddies, sipping our bottles whining and complaining about what had happened. Im sure it would have gone on forever.

I have no doubt it was a moment of total WTF just happened! Seriously? Did I do someting wrong? Im sorry. Tell me what I did! Ill be better!  Put me back! Please, it was perfect! Put me back! Ill be good!

Theres no going back.

Which goes back to talking about it. Obsessing about it. Trying to figure out why... .where is the logic, for us to understand.

The reality is, when I was born, to put it simply: The Jacuzzi was Now Closed. GTFO.

That-- is why.

I realized, I got to stop talking about it, thinking about it, trying to figure out how I was hurt so badly, fooled, screwed over, in such a cruel way- were talking cheating, risking STDs, lying, and after, no goodbye, ghosting, after 5.5 years.

A traumatic experience. But there is no reason. There is no way I will ever understand. Because its just one of those things. Theres no reason. Not a reason which would make sense to a healthy person. Yea, it wasnt fair. Yea, it turned me into a crazy person. How can it not? No one deserves that. No one.  If you dont like me, then--- just dump me.  Right? Dont cheat on me, put me at risk for STDs for months, then just ghost me, no explanation. Thats not human. Right?  

And I cant sit around being angry. That she had told me, in the first months of dating, she had cheated on every boyfriend. I felt, I dunno... .I would be the exception. Wrong!  She cheated on me at least with 3 guy I know of spanning 4.5 of our 5.5 years. Shes not able to be loyal. I wasnt the outlier. The special one. Period.

So theres no reason. Except it wasnt meant to be. Theres nothing to figure out.

My ex?  There were certain things I can say I loved... .loved about her. Its why I want to go back, in that awesome jacuzzi.

The intimcy, the sex, was sex I had never experienced. So I think I am afraid, will I find that again?   I mean, I even joined the mile high club, flying first class, to Paris with this girl, on the biggest plane in the world... .It was out of this world intense.  I want that. Who knows... .what I will find. But I have to try.

I have to realize, as drawn as I am even still, to the sex, the warmth, the intimacy, the excitement, what new toy she has now- things unique to this relationship alone. I have no choice but to realize, and accept:

The Jacuzzi is Now Closed.  GTFO

Its out of order and not coming back.

I need to go find a new jacuzzi. They are out there. And reminiscing,  thinking how great my last jacuzzi was, wont help me at all. Driving my friends and family crazy tring to talk about it. Its not going to help.  This pattern, goes all the way back, to that very first jacuzzi... .I now have no memory of.  Im sure, at the time, I felt I could have lived there forever. And I also didnt spend years after I got kicked out, whining, complaining, and so on, as to why?

I think, perhaps the biggest part of healing, moving on, might be that day, you just stop talking about it. Period.  

Thank god I didnt.

[woundedPhoenix]

GoingBack20C, that is a very lucid observation and i see a lot of parallels too.

Maybe there is another reason why the Methaphor works so well.

Didn't the BPD relationship at times come very close to the Jacuzzi, when all was well?

In her greatest moments, my BPDex was an unrivaled caretaker and an absolute sweetheart, like she could read my mind.

I felt on top of the world, totally enmeshed with a warm, sweet and sexy woman i meant everything to and that was my dream come true... .


Only slight problem now is... .that probably lot's of these childhood pains that lingered after the Jacuzzi closed are now brought back, with the Adult Jacuzzi Closed.

Pains we feel now stem in, many cases from the early past. Our rational mind can build constructions all it wants, our emotions just echo from our early days.

Accidentally this morning, i had a similar analogy.

After you have been waterboarded, you first have to catch your breath again, get the water out of your nose, let the dirty water run off, and then try and recover from an expertience where your life was on the line... .

That's how i felt after a devaluation "waterboarding" experience that lasted a year.

So the Jacuzzi also became a waterboarding spot along the way.


Lesson that i learned: Be(come) your own Jacuzzi!


 

[GoingBack2OC]

True that . But one is the lonliest number you know.

Two's company, and I'd share my jacuzzi should the right girl come along.

Thanks for your response, I know strange paralell right?

[icky]

. : ). i like this - it's very poetic - beautiful metaphor. i'd like to comment on it tho, because i think it's very nostalgic. you do realise that the only reason the jacuzzi closes is because you've grown so big, you no longer fit in there? it's healthy to grow and to out-grow that jacuzzi. and the only reason nature sticks you in a jacuzzi  in the first place is because for a while you are so vulnerable that you need it. and nature catapults you out of that jacuzzi at the point where you no longer need it. do you know, when i was born, i was one of the babies that did not cry upon being born?  : ). not all babies come out of the jacuzzi screeching about the change. my mother told me that in my first moments out in the world, i peered around me a bit dazed but like i was trying to work out what stuff was. peering at the lights and going "oh. okay. that's kinda pretty, i guess.". if you've ever spent time around infants, most of em don't seem all that miserable (unless they are unwell or not being cared for adequately). most infants are infinitely curious about life and are greedy about getting to know everything. they love the world so much, they stick everything they can find in their mouths, to get to know it even more intimately. infants and young children crave experiences and always seek new stuff. once they've dealt with one developmental stage, they race on towards the next one, hurtling themselves at it with a speed that's hard for their parents/ caregivers to keep up with! i understand that during times of pain (as you're currently going through) the jacuzzi seems like the only thing you want and will ever want and the thought of adventures and risks seems horrid. but as you recover from the pain, you will become a healthy infant again, who's curious and eager to live and grow and who doesn't mind taking all the risks involved in that, because that's what you were born to do. wishing you lots of healing.