BPD Knowledge based/exp, thus far

[FallBack!Monster]

It was 2 and half years of confusion, push/pull, great intimacy, weirdness, and pleasure. It was never comfortable happiness. I was content.  No bitterness, except for some confusion. Confused in terms of how exaggerated everything was for her. Something small (to me), she would be dramatic about. Never did I invalidate her drama. I would instead try to make her see another side to it. Another noticeable exaggeration, would be her admiration for me. It was nice to here but I was fearful she would one day find out I wasn't but a ordinary human being. Then what?  
Confusion: She focused too much on other people. She also would allow people to easily sway her from one idea to another. In general, easily influenced. (my observations at time)
Our intimate closeness & talks, are inexpressible.
Push/pull: when she was visiting friends and family, wouldn't respond to me. But when she came back, was her old charming self around me. Never given a respectable excuse; if any.  In fact, looked puzzled when asked why.
However, if I went away, she constantly called and text... .weird! I don't think of it as exceptional sex but it was beyond satisfying.
Where I'm at now?
I missed that look of irealizing "me.". That crazy look, that I use to complain about. Why are you watching me so hard. Why you this. Why you doing that. Not anymore.
But regardless of all of the negative feelings I had experienced with my ex, I some how can see now what the mean folks of  bpdfamily hare tryinv to convey.  bpdfamily, is not just a site filled with words and disgruntled exs. I see it as a closer look into the mind of pwBPD (and other PDs).
Some of the reality is not only ugliest but it's also thrown in what seem like mean an calculated or manipulative manner. But the non that's smart enough will eventually get into the mind of what he/she was dealing with when they were dating a pwBPD.  
After the Devaluation...
I spent a few non-romantic days with my ex. Some sexual, some not. I see things I'm not looking for. When i was looking for evil intensions that was all I could see. Her nasty behavior. I saw her as a whore. A devil, a snake, and what not.  I'm not claiming she's non of that. I'm simply stating, if that's all you're seeing  after an extended time being apart, then you still got a long way to go.
What I see now?... .hmmmm.

[fromheeltoheal]

What I see now?... .hmmmm.

Hi Rand-

Yes, it's interesting that when the fog clears and we get some distance from our exes, how our perceptions of our exes, ourselves, and the relationship changes, all part of detachment.  You and I chatted about a month ago, and how has your perception changed?  As you say, what do you see now?

Here's another article, not sure if you've read it, but many find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Kelli Cornett]

[FallBack!Monster]

What I see now?... .hmmmm.

Hi Rand-

Yes, it's interesting that when the fog clears and we get some distance from our exes, how our perceptions of our exes, ourselves, and the relationship changes, all part of detachment.  You and I chatted about a month ago, and how has your perception changed?  As you say, what do you see now?

Here's another article, not sure if you've read it, but many find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Thanks for acknowledging,
Here a few things I would like to share. I never thought my partner held the key to my happiness. I was happy before I met her, after a past experience. A lesson I learned years before my ex and I acquainted, happiness has to come from within.  However, for a few mlnths, she added to it. I Never believed she felt the same way I do, Although i believed she truly cared.  I never thought it was all my fault. Most of our problems were due to her lies and selfishness. I blame myself for my reactionn to it. Again, love comes from within. Love cannot fix broken things. I DO NOT believe that things are ever going to be the same with my ex And I. She'd told me about her past. I wouldn't want things to be the way they were. It wasn't healthy at all. It was just what it was. And when you're in it and have feelings it might be hard to jump ship but once you're on a life saver, why jump back into a sinking ship; Sort of speak. I will hold on to some of our very enlightening and special conversations. It took me time but eventually i did let go of promises made to me. I'm sure it was meant when it was said but there's no reason for me to believe it was ever going to happen. Then or after the fact. if I asked to borrow some money and you loaned it to me. I promise to pay you back. I meant it from my heart when I said it, but I change my mind often, therefore, I fall short of promises often. You get the idea. My ex hears well, but then she hears something else and goes to the left. Being absence from my ex did not make her miss me at all. It pushed us further away and it help me get over some stuff I had to deal with. I didn't think I had to stay to help her. helped her with some things because I wanted to.  With her disorder?  I don't claim to fully understand her disorder. No matter what I read.  Never idealized helping her. Love her. Being there for her (when not feeling used) but it never never occurred to me that I could fix her with love, compassion, understanding, whatever. Never, ever.  But now, she wants no help doing certain things. She says, I got it (I smiled when I wrote that). Im sure not with all things. We can all use some help so.etimes. but she's determined to be healthier and less needy. Good for her. Can't fault her for that. "Believe that they have seen the light". I don't know what my ex sees. I can't comment on that. But our time a part has not brought us closer. I could see the total disconnect in her eyes. I feel it in her energy.  We enjoy time together but if I ever thought she loved me, I don't think that now.
Read the article and answered bold text ... .

[Repping305]

I'm new so I haven't seen much meanness but i'm still in the getting away phase. But your description of seeing her as a whore/devil etc is what's happened to me (although i don't look down on female promiscuity any more than male promiscuity provided one isn't cheating on someone).

What i see is that she just says things.  Tons of things.  She uses everything she knows I care about or care about to get  a response. Say 1000 things, you're bound to hit one subject that gets a response. So I see her as just a crazy rambling noise machine in one way, and she hits a few chords that I take as signal instead of noise, ignoring the 975 things she was wrong about b/c she was right about 25. I'm torn between those views and knowing she is a Person, there's a side to her that I truly care about. Additionally knowing if i was born with her genes and had her life I'd be the same person - so I constantly find my internal dialogue saying "You can't get angry at someone that is mentally ill. You can't hate people for things that aren't their fault" then flipping to "But she does drugs all the time and knows it makes it worse and refuses to get help so she does bear some responsibility." Then the same dialog starts "She won't get help b/c she's sick, only a sick person would choose not to get help after all of this."

Totally random but when you mentioned "That look" it sent shivers down my spine. I've seen that too many times and I remember seeing it and thinking "This must have been the last look Travis Alexander got after saying something like "can you hand me a towel" after telling her he was leaving her (total conjecture but you get my point).  The fog is just starting but it's interesting indeed and I can't wait for it to be gone and this chapter of my life totally over with.