Wedding Chaos

[Phoenix09]

It's been a couple of years since I've been on the board as I've been weathering the storm of an undiagnosed BPD Mom and Sister thanks to the support of H but a family wedding brings me back. 

As I was planning my own wedding four years ago, Mom and Sis were competing for attention and top billing and it was a nightmare.  H's family flew in from out-of-state to meet my family for the first time and I forget why but something happened and M refused to come out for dinner.  My coping skills weren't honed so I begged until she relented but it was the most awkward dinner ever as she sulked and pouted and made a scene.  The day before our big event, S showed up at my house to tell me what a selfish, ungrateful person I was for making my mom feel unloved and not heeding her wishes for my wedding.  S called me the night before the wedding to tell me that her and M would not be attending.  I told them I didn't care.  They showed up the next day but refused to have any individual pictures with me.  They would only agree to full-family pictures with sister's husband and children.  The proof of their behavior hangs on my walls as I have tons of pictures with H's family and very few with mine.  M and S say that it was due to my behavior.

Anyway, my 21-year old niece is getting married in one month.  I'm watching the exact same things happen to her only I was at least 40 years old at the time.  This poor 21yo hasn't even figured out the disease that her family suffers from.

I feel so much for her but I'm also getting overwhelmed by my own flashbacks and emotional turmoil.  Last week I was bombarded with text messages and voice mails from both M and S as they fought.  I work to maintain my boundaries but it's really tough when I'm trying to keep some type of relationship with my family.  M tells me that S is creating drama just like she did for my wedding.  M tells me she never wanted to act that way but S got her so worked up.  But of course M wouldn't think of apologizing to me.  S calls to tell me that M is impossible because it is all about her.  When I asked what my niece wants, I got the response from S "I have no idea, she won't even participate in any of the planning, I'm doing everything".  I suggested this might be a big, red flag that she's not ready to get married and S hung up on me.

I feel as though it is my responsibility to shelter my niece.  I am overwhelmed with guilt that I am failing her and not doing more to protect her and her sisters.  Meanwhile, my own feelings of neglect and abandonment are rising to the surface again and I'm not doing a very good job of recognizing them and moving on. 

I learned from my father that he took out a significant loan for all of this (M and S have destroyed their credit so they have no means) but I was not to know about it.  M and S continually lie to me about how they are scraping to get the money together because I know they are looking for a contribution from me.  I have money set aside but was holding it until the last minute.  I knew if I gave it to them before - they would just spend more. 

I want to detach and take a break from the family drama but with the holidays and the wedding - that's not a feasible course.  On the good days, it's an effort to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me and I did nothing wrong.  But when they go into attack mode and start projecting on me - it's so freaking hard.  Last Friday after over a dozen text messages and voicemails from M and S - I ignored most of them because they were fighting - I find out the next day that they went shopping.  M tells me they had a wonderful day together and of course I am now painted the bad child because I didn't participate in the family bonding activity.  I'm not helping at all with the wedding.  I was at work. 


H is trying so hard to support me because he knows that they are both just acting out but it's a lot to ask of him.  He doesn't always understand the bad days when it's not so easy to put all the feelings aside and ignore this huge hole inside where you want to have a loving family that celebrates a wonderful event like a wedding.  I want to be close to my family and share things but instead, I have to focus on keeping my walls up every time I talk to them.  And just being able to write those last few sentences - I've been trying to get to that for over a week.  I've been so busy trying to convince myself that I'm ok with my anger and bad feelings - I forgot to give myself a little room to mourn what is missing.  I'm so afraid of getting caught up in the pity party myself.  And that's what I love about this board.  Thanks for giving me the chance to get this out. 

[Turkish]

Getting to the heart of the matter,  this sounds like your core pain:

it's not so easy to put all the feelings aside and ignore this huge hole inside where you want to have a loving family that celebrates a wonderful event like a wedding.  I want to be close to my family and share things

It is sad,  and also that you're being reminded of how much poor character they demonstrated at your wedding.  How close are you to your niece?  Can you talk to her? No agenda, just as a supportive Aunt? "Hi honey,  I just wanted to reach out and see if you need anything." Or similar.  Maybe she'll open up.  Possibly she might connect whatever she saw at your wedding with the present.