Apologies

[Pile]

My 21 year old son doesn't want to apologize when he has clearly been disrespectful towards others. Everyone models appropriate behavior towards him and apologizes  to him if he acknowledges that he's been hurt. Can BPD improve if they continue to be stubborn and lack self awareness?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Apologizing is tough for people with BPD. It takes a lot of emotional strength to be accountable, and it also requires seeing clearly that they are not victims.

A lot of what we work on here are communication skills to create the kind of environment in which BPD people learn to be more accountable. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will apologize -- it means that we control the part of the relationship that we can control, which is our own part of the dynamic.

What is an example of him being disrespectful toward others? Maybe we can walk through a scenario with you to better understand the behaviors, and think together of ways to respond that will make things better for you and your loved ones.

[Pile]

Thank you. I would appreciate walking through an example. On his birthday he was very eager to leave our house to go back to his apt. He started packing up his belongings before everyone was done eating dinner. He had mentioned earlier that he didn't want to come over for a birthday dinner, but his aging grandparents and cousin were already invited. He was very dismissive towards everyone and just very disengaged. I asked him what his hurry was and he reacted very strongly by dropping the "f" bomb and storming out of the house. It was very startling, loud, frightening and caused everyone to get very upset, especially his 11 year old brother. This was a month ago and he knows the drama he caused but yet no one has gotten an apology from him, its very hurtful for me that he hasn't apologized to his grandparents and little brother.  Just because he has mental illness issues it doesn't excuse him from being accountable for his hurtful behavior. He and I have discussed this and he says he is not apologizing that I am the one who needs to apologize, very typical.  Any thoughts? Thanks!

[livednlearned]

It's hard! We want our kids to have relationship skills and be thoughtful about our feelings. Unfortunately, they are often so out-of-control in their own emotions that focusing on ours can be a real stretch.

Have you tried using validation skills with your son?

[Pile]

Not as often,  as I am learning.  Are there statements that are more validating to the BPD?

My son also just told me he was diagnosed with anti social anxiety?  Which is very interesting, as a child up to about 6th grade he would win city wide speech contests, participate in musicals, and go on casting calls in Hollywood.