Step parents: Introductions

[locaocho]

My wonderful life partner's ex shows signs of BPD, though she isn't diagnosed. I am hoping this board will provide empathy as he and I seek to help his two children (girl is 11, boy is 14) deal with the ex's unpredictability and other behaviors that provoke extreme anxiety in the 14 year old (he is currently avoiding school -- truant officers are involved as are multiple mental health professionals). And I'm worried that the 11yo, once she hits full-on puberty, will start having similar (or other) problems.

I am struggling with what my role is in all of this. The ex sometimes copies me on emails to various medical professionals with regard to the 14 year old and his problems, and I'm damned if I respond and damned if I don't. She is as nice as can be sometimes -- inviting me to lunch, for instance (which I avoid -- she is an exhausting time suck of negative energy).

Thanks for reading!

[newstempom]

 Hello friends!
A big  to Skip for creating this group! 

I've been married to 1.5 years (together 3y) to my soulmate and best friend.  DH and uBPDx were divorced in 2010 and she moved 4h away to pursue her "hopes and her dreams" that she blamed DH for destroying (?).  They decided SSs would stay w/ DH and continue in same school.  The PA done via mediation states she gets them every weekend she isn't working (2 out of every 3) and on school breaks & summer.  Holidays are split equally.  Fast forward to last year when DH and I married, all of a sudden SS13 and SS10 start saying they want to go to school in uBPDx's town because it "wouldn't cost tuition" and there are "better opportunities" there.  UBPDx accused DH of not listening to what SSs wanted, insisted DH should let them move with uBPDx and go to school there.  SS13 especially became enmeshed and reported to uBPDx via text everything that was going on in our home. SSs were already confused/conflicted about DH getting remarried and moving to a new house.  SSs said DH puts newstepmom first, DH doesn't care about what SSs want, DH doesn't listen to SSs, DH makes SSs do all chores while newstepmom is lazy and sits on the couch, newstepmom is mean to them, on and on.  SSs and I have always had a normal/fun relationship so I was surprised!  During this time I broke all the stepmom rules: I confronted SSs about why they said they didn't like me, I defended myself to SSs about uBPDx's accusations, SSs overheard me say uBPDx was brainwashing them, I grunted/muttered snide things in reference to uBPDx, I tried to help DH with discipline when SSs acted out.  I was turning into the stereotypical wicked stepmother  .  During this time I also read Dr. Warshak's book ":)ivorce Poison" and completely freaked out that we would lose SSs to uBPDx's parental alienation.  I also read "Lost In the Mirror" trying to see things from uBPDx's perspective, but I started to think I have BPD too! 

The day after uBPDx picked SSs up to stay with her for the summer, she had DH served papers suing for FC/CS with an emergency motion to start from the date she picked them up.  And b/c it was summer she had 100% access to continue alienating SSs from us!  I'll skip the details, but $17,000 later for L fees we are now awaiting the judge's decision (which could be to keep things the same!).  DH countersued her for FC/CS but my understanding is the judge doesn't have to award either.  That's a question for the law board.

The good news... .SSs are back in school with us and having a ball.  They haven't mentioned living with uBPDx since before the first day of school and my relationship w/ them has never been better.  I think SS13 is starting to realize there is something not right about uBPDx but he is still fiercely protective of her.  I am concerned that SS10 rages and lashes out much like uBPDx but it's happening less and less.   I think SS10 is processing his feelings of abandonment and isn't sure how to express that anger.  I really wish DH would take them back to see a T but the last experience was not good--T told DH to not bring them back because they wouldn't talk.  Ugh!

My anger is much better these days--insert Serenity Prayer.  I'm still seething about the $17,000 lost in L fees but I try not to focus on that.  Thank you all for sharing your stories!  It's nice to know none of us is alone! 

[Nevets47]

Hello -
   I was with my x for 8 years, never really realized SHE was the one with BPD (or possibly NPD)... .just thought I was losing my mind for much of the 8 years.

 We've been split and attempting to 'co-parent' two boys (15 and 11) for the past ten years. 

About 3 years ago, she became involved with a woman who quickly decided (and apparently my ex was in agreement) that it was her place to begin parenting the boys in a way that I (and I thought my ex) did not agree with.  Then this past summer they were married and now I feel like she feels she has some sort of 'right' to be involved because of that change.  However, in the state we are in, step-parent's have NO legal rights.

So now, not only do I struggle/fight against my ex's BPD issues, but her new wife's as well.  I fairly constantly feel ganged up on and am having to stop myself from being negative about the step-mother in front of the kids - especially the 11 year old - because she will make him the 'go-between' rather than talk to me or better yet, have my ex and I be the primary parents. She tells the boys lies (they smell when they come from my home, their things/clothes are covered with pet hair from my home) and she pretty much tells them the exact opposite of what I have when they talk to her. And I don't feel as though I can have a civil/reasonable conversation with my ex about this behavior for all the reasons you all have discussed previously about people with BPD.

We did mediation - my x was not willing to compromise.  We tried parenting coordination - only lasted a couple sessions as she was unwilling to accept MY attorney's parenting agreement (legal contract) which the parenting coordinator thought and told my attorney 'was unreasonable' as well as that she (the parenting coordinator) wasn't sure she would be able to continue with us anyway, because of my ex's unreasonable-ness.  And during the couple sessions we did have, I was accused of being disrespectful to her partner: "You'll get respect when you show it."  I do my best not to interact with the partner.

I see a therapist and have begun practicing mindfulness/Buddhism for my own sanity. 

I just feel alone and that despite my friends supporting me, they really don't 'get it' not having a BPD person in their life in the capacity I'm dealing with.

I know this is a bit different than the majority of people's situations here, but any advice AS a step-parent and maybe, how you decided what type of role to take in the kids' lives would be interesting and good for me.  Really any positive input/constructive criticism would be appreciated.

Thank you!

[polly87]

Hello guys!
My bf has two daughters of 5 and 7 yo. The people with BPD traits in this story:
- my bf's ex has BPD traits
- my MIL has BPD traits
- my FIL has NPD traits. They're codependent.
- my mother has uBPD, I've been NC for a couple of years.
I myself have PTSD and recurring depressions.

Funny thing is that with my ex, I also had a MIL with BPD traits and a FIL with NPD traits who were codependent, but fortunately my current bf has found much better ways of coping with pwBPD, like firm boundaries.

The difficulty for me in the stepkid business is that my inner child finds it hard to see just how much love is showered on my stepkids by both of their parents. Also, I'm worried about my bf's ex's influence on the kids' opinion of their father.