NC broken, what to reply?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex and I split up 2 months ago, we said at the time to remain friends but Ive been struggling and havent been able to. Not heard from her in 3-4 weeks, usually texts.

Today I got an email just asking how I am. What should I reply? Should I reply? I dont really want to know anything bad thats happened to her since if she suddenly says but I dont want to be rude either.

[Woods77]

My ex and I split up 2 months ago, we said at the time to remain friends but Ive been struggling and havent been able to. Not heard from her in 3-4 weeks, usually texts.

Today I got an email just asking how I am. What should I reply? Should I reply? I dont really want to know anything bad thats happened to her since if she suddenly says but I dont want to be rude either.

[Scyphozoan]

Dear woods77

In my opinion, and at the e expense of my vast experience with them... .Do Not take any responsibility  for her wellbeing.
She is a fully functioning adult, she was and managed well before you met her... .she'll manage the same without you... .

Your sense of over protection and compassion is clouding your judgment... .
You are allowed to take a " time out"... .like a day or two to think about things... .but if it is "
to momentarily relief your pain and or guilt... .Don't do it... .
Don't go there... .( in your thoughts)

Do not get sucked  in to : " I have a quick question to ask"... .
You know how that story ends... .( hint... .never according to what we wish for... .!)

Take your time, interact with other people... .start a project... .just do not respond... .

it will save you life of " grief"... .

Warm hugs
XXX

[DazedandConfus3d]

Don't reply right away.

Clearly this contact has kicked up some emotions in you.  Sit with those for a bit.  Maybe write about how the end of the relationship 2 months ago made you feel.

Think about what YOU want to come out of any reply and ask yourself if you believe that will happen.  Ask yourself what you think (not hope) will happen if you reply.

[Woods77]

Thanks. I havent contacted back and I agree. But I said we could stay friends but now I feel maybe thats not a good idea and feel guilty. What if I bump into them, I guess I could say I need space and time so I didnt reply? That would be fair enough?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Woods, why do you feel guilty? Do you feel you're still obligated to this person?

How did they treat you when you broke up? How did they treat you in the relationship? 

I'd like to call attention to you asking if the response you proposed to bumping into her would be 'fair enough'... .only you can say brother, because only you lived that relationship.  All I can say is don't let anyone else, especially her, tell you what you owe this person.

Make up your mind based on what you know and how you feel and be real.

The only advice I would give you about interacting with her is DO NOT give her any information or insights about how you feel our what you're thinking- that's the kind of stuff pwBPD excel at turning into manipulation.

[Rayban]

Hi Woods,

You've received some excellent advice here from the previous posters. I know how tempting it could  be to want to respond, thinking this time will be different, and how good it will feel just to communicate with her briefly.

Don't reply. Make this about what is best for you. You might not realize it now but don't underestimate the power you gain by not responding.  You will realize it truly is the best thing for you and your well being. Any response is an invitation for her to keep trying to get you hooked back into playing games with her again.

Your goal here is to let her go elsewhere for her need for attention and games. That's precisely what she will do once she realizes you want nothing to do with her anymore.

[patientandclear]

If you decide that a long break in communication is needed (and it certainly was for me in the aftermath of my BPD breakup), it is still a good practice to let the person know what the situation is, especially if you had left things that you planned to be in touch and be friends.  Just ignoring an inquiry like the one she sent you adds more drama than necessary.  If you need time and aren't entirely sure whether you'll want to be in touch in the future, which makes tons of sense, it's respectful to you both to just explain something like "hi--I'm finding I need some time and space and need not to be in touch.  If that changes in the future, I'll let you know.  I hope all is well for you."

[DazedandConfus3d]

"hi--I'm finding I need some time and space and need not to be in touch.  If that changes in the future, I'll let you know.  I hope all is well for you."

I would be VERY cautious about giving a BPD ex even that much information. Why not just say you're very busy and will get back to them when you have more time?

I feel like Patient's proposed line gives away that you're still struggling with the breakup, which tells them they have something to work with.

[patientandclear]

It really doesn't matter what they think, want or know, if YOU are clear what your boundaries are.  "This hurt and I need to process it myself for a while" is a fine thing to share unless you're engaged in some sort of game playing, or phantom struggle over "taking power back."

Power is available to us, always.  It comes from us and other people can only take it away with our cooperation.

People post on this board all the time about how terrible it feels to have someone who was important you to ignore your messages or walk away as if the whole thing was nothing.  This is no less bad behavior when we do it.  It costs us nothing to explain what is happening.

In the end, too, it doesn't matter NEARLY as much as discussions here sometimes make it seem that it does, exactly what words are used.  The key is to get across that you won't be in touch, at least for some time, and that this is a firm decision, and that you are not being a jerk about it.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Patient makes some strong points.

I guess I'm coming from a place where it's been less than 2 months and I KNOW that if I talked to my ex, I'd be in danger of being charmed. 

My response isn't valid to your situation, only you can answer that.

I guess what I'm really saying is that if you feel like your resolve isn't 100%, it's better to err on the side of caution.

If you're at a place to true detachment, Patient's response is the better one, b/c as she correctly points out, its better to be nice than a jerk.

[lovenature]

It is up to you if NC remains on your part or not; you can't control what she does but you can take your power back by controlling what you do.

PWBPD have attachments, why would you want to be friends with someone who treated you like an option?

Try to shift the focus to you; why do you want to still be involved with your ex. in any way?

[Woods77]

I chose not to reply. Although I feel quite bad about it and sad. I don't know if its the right thing to do or not but I dont want to hear about her future boyfriends and things like that.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I might reply to say Im ok, need a bit of time in a few weeks. Maybe not. I really dont know.

[lovenature]

Look over there -------->     Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom.

The only way you will come out of the FOG and see clearly enough to know what is the best for both of you is to remain NC long enough.