His individual therapy session

[Annie99]

So uBPD h opened up a bit about his individual therapy session. Apparently for much of the session he was physcially shaking. The T told him not to fight it, just let it happen. I asked him what he thought the shaking was about. He said, "Im not sure but something is happening."

He also mentioned that he brought up with the T. how I get angry at his "banter". Example is his "your mother is as dumb as a sack of hammers" "joke" to my two S8. The T. told him that there are things bothering him that he doesn't bring up so instead these things come out as barbs at me. T. told him it is much healthier to discuss the things that are really bothering him, rather than letting them fester and come out as barbs.

So he told me that it really bothers him that I don't leave enough space between my sentences when I talk. Sigh. I really wanted to tell him that there are certain things that are reasonable to change but the way I talk is pretty ingrained. But instead I said " Thanks for telling me that." Is this progress? I feel NOT.

[formflier]

Is this progress? I feel NOT.

Yes... it's progress.

His feelings are more important (at the moment) that the particulars of what he is saying or asking.

Don't worry about changing the way you talk... .

I would follow up with "How do you feel when my sentences jumble together... "  Hopefully get him to identify a feeling other than "bothered".

FF

[ArleighBurke]

He has no idea why he is angry. He is searching for any possible reason and "your sentances" came up. Typical BPD.

[Notwendy]

I agree with not reacting to his words, but note his feelings. My H would paint me black and if I asked why - the reason would be whatever he could think of in the moment. I finally realized that he may not even know the reason, but would pin the anger on whatever reason he thought of. At the time, I didn't understand what was going on ,and I jumped to try to "fix" the reason, only to have another reason be "the reason".

Just letting him speak without reacting ( but don't tolerate verbal abuse) helps you to stay calm when he isn't feeling calm.

The T is correct that people snap barbs at each other when they have not expressed anger. I think one boundary about this should be to not do it in front of the kids. In private, if he snaps a barb at you, you can say " is there something you wish to speak to me about?"

But- his anger is his emotion. It isn't your job to fix his feelings or to be the outlet for his feelings. If he is constantly angry at you, you also don't have to be present to hear it all the time.

[formflier]

But- his anger is his emotion. It isn't your job to fix his feelings or to be the outlet for his feelings. If he is constantly angry at you, you also don't have to be present to hear it all the time.

Also... .do some deep thinking on this concept.  Is it ok for him to be angry with you? (I ask because this was really weird for me... .sometimes still is)

Are you able to separate the anger he feels... .from his actions.  It's critical that you do so.

Eventually I hope you can get to a place where you are "fine" with him being angry at you... .be there for him and be empathetic with his anger (wherever it is directed).

Just as important to be "fine" with a life where you have strong boundaries against dysfunctional behavior, regardless of who is doing the behavior.  If you husband chooses to behave in a way that places himself outside your boundaries, that is his choice... .and his mess to clean up.

Quick story to illustrate:  6-8 months ago my wife likely "sabotaged" some plans for piano lessons that my Mom had.  Perhaps she just "forgot", but I doubt it.  My Mom was ticked and in my presence starting cussing.  (very out of character for her... .like... .less than 10 times in my life have I heard this)

However... .next thing I knew I was inside my house trying to sort this all out.  In my mind, I hear a " mad woman" start cussing and I excused myself from the situation.  End of story.  There was no evaluation in my head of "this is my Mom... .I'm obligated to stay and listen".

I had a standard... .and I "enforced it".

FF