Why?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Why?  I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of being attacked, because I am the only child who actually speaks to my mother. Why is she like this?  How can I ever get her to understand everything isn't about her?  It's not a personal attack. It's not an affront.  I'm not "coming for her."  Why does she need this drama?  Why does she WANT to be the victim?  How can she cuss me out and tell me she is no longer my mom when I try so hard to accommodate her?  How do I let myself walk away?  How do I keep this from hurting me?  How do I keep the frustration at bay so I don't become angry with my own family?  I'm so tired. She's not going to change. She makes me feel so guilty. If I walk away, and something happens to her or my dad, then how do I live with myself?  She has me wrapped around her finger. Not as badly as before I met my husband, but I am conditioned. Sigh.

[FrustratedMO]

Why?  I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of being attacked, because I am the only child who actually speaks to my mother. Why is she like this?  How can I ever get her to understand everything isn't about her?  It's not a personal attack. It's not an affront.  I'm not "coming for her."  Why does she need this drama?  Why does she WANT to be the victim?  How can she cuss me out and tell me she is no longer my mom when I try so hard to accommodate her?  How do I let myself walk away?  How do I keep this from hurting me?  How do I keep the frustration at bay so I don't become angry with my own family?  I'm so tired. She's not going to change. She makes me feel so guilty. If I walk away, and something happens to her or my dad, then how do I live with myself?  She has me wrapped around her finger. Not as badly as before I met my husband, but I am conditioned. Sigh.

[Panda39]

Hi FrustratedMO,

Welcome to the BPD Family

Why? It's as simple and as complicated as she has a mental illness.  It's so hard to want a healthy mom and not have one.  It's so hard to want to fix her and not be able to. We can only control our actions we cannot control the actions of someone else.  So as much as you want to fix your mom, that is only within her power.  But you can control your actions, and change how you interact or not interact with your mom in ways that can help you communicate more effectively, or have more peace in your life... .you can't fix her but you can make changes that improve your life.

I'm so sorry to hear how overwhelmed your mother is making you feel.  Know that you are not alone, all of us here have felt much the same in our relationships with the pwBPD (people with BPD) in our lives.

Has your Mom been diagnosed with BPD or is she like to person in my life un-diagnosed but the behaviors fit like a glove?  How much do you already know about BPD?  Have you had a chance to do any research on BPD?

I want to direct you to the box to the right --> each item listed is a link to more information please check out the items in the "Lessons" section.  You might want to start with "Taking Care of Yourself".  Just like the oxygen mask senario on airplanes you have to help yourself first before you can take care of someone else, so you might want to start there.

I also wanted to give you some links to information on what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail, it sounds like your mom uses these types of feeling to influence you to do what she wants. I think recognizing these kinds of manipulative behaviors can make it harder to be influenced by them.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I think a tool that could help you would be having some boundaries when it comes to your mom.  Below are some links regarding boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

I'm so glad you've joined us there is alot of information on this site and so many others going through similar situations, I know you will find support, understanding, tools and ideas regarding your relationship with your mom.

I know others will be along soon to welcome you.

Take Care 
Panda39