Mother Fell Today

[Turkish]

As last we left off, I talked to the social worker at Adult Protective Services in the small mountain community where my mom lives,  ~120 miles away from me in the big city.  They investigated my mother's accusations towards me of several types of criminal elder abuse and found them completely unsubstantiated.  Her accusations of my S6 and D4 stealing from her the SW said, "of course we know that's ridiculous." Though I was anxious,  from an emotional standpoint I don't care what anybody says about me,  or even does to me.  When you accuse my children, that crosses my line.  These are children whose pictures she would proudly show around the county and gush how wonderful they were.  Living with the reality of them,  hard enough to deal with the trauma they were dealing with in the home of their uBPD mom half the time,  was another matter. 

This morning,  while in a 6 hour WebEx meeting/training at work,  I got a call from my mom's neighbor.  Fire trucks and an ambulance were on their small dirt road.  He said my mom fell pretty badly.  He said my mom's been getting pretty bad the last few weeks.  I thought, "how much worse can she be?" The neighbor is a young tough guy who's been salivating to buy my mom's 5 acres at the end of their road so he can have his woodsy ranch fantasy.  I don't trust him,  but I don't think he has any nefarious intentions other than that.

 I got a call from the hospital a few hospital a few hours later.  The nurse said that she had only broken her wrist.  In the late 90s, when I was living in another state,  she fell and shattered her ankle.  Much younger,  she recovered fully. 

The nurse said she was hesitant to send her home in her state,  and she wanted to let a family member know.  I said that a social worker at APS was aware of her situation,  and to call them.  The nurse said she would and hung up.  I failed to ask if my mom gave her my number or if they had it on file.  5 years ago,  I went to that hospital to support my mom during her hysterectomy.  Interestingly at that time,  several hospital staff commented how great I was for coming to support my mom.  I didn't explain I had a 1 year old at home (my Ex was supportive of me then), but it was only a 2 hour drive. Not a big deal. 

I don't know if she's home now,  in her house with ceilings caving in,  sheet rock and insulation hanging down,  black mold all over the place.  Winter is coming,  and when I lived there (in a camper, not at that house) in the 80s, a 2 ft snow thanksgiving week wasn't unprecedented.  It doesn't look like that this week,  but within a month,  who knows?

I'm tempted to finally call her, assuming she's home.  I heard her great plan on mother's day,  which probably went to hell in a handbasket. She'll lose everything,  including another 2 acres join her dead husband's name.  Part of this is old age confusion,  but in reality, it's due to a long chain of disordered choices going back decades . She has  (had) an IQ of 137, but that is irrelevant when you suffer from PTSD, depression,  and BPD (in addition to she auto diagnosing with OCD and an eating disorder). Now shes also suffering from old age,  something from which none of us can escape. 

[GaGrl]

Turkish, I am so sorry to hear about her fall and your stress/worry around it.  My mother fell last year and had a minor fracture to her wrist -- and it does crimp their ability to function around the house.  Last Friday, Mom fell again and couldn't get up by herself, called my cousin, and then the doctor, and it was off to the emergency room for hip x-rays and a brain scan.  Sigh... .she lives in a house that we bought and plan to retire to, but she is 90 years old and living an independent life there with no intentions of slowing down.

My cousin is a social worker.  I think going the SW route is the thing to do.  It is amazing what the SWs can do that family members cannot accomplish.

For your own peace of mind, do you think you should call and see what your mother says the situation is?  You could go from there, depending on your assessment from the conversation.  (That's what I did last week -- when the ER said nothing was broken or bleeding, and my cousin said he would get her home and comfy, I made the decision to wait until this weekend to drive the 6 hours from one house to the other.)
 

[Turkish]

I talked to the T today.  At one point he said,  "you're angry." I said some more things.  He stopped me and said,  "Turkish, she's sick.  She's mentally ill and now frail from age. "

Ultimately,  he didn't disagree with anything I've done,  including not wanting her neck in my home.  "Sure.  You're not a hospital."

I looked on my desk for the number of the social worker,  but didn't find it.  I'll look again and scroll through my phone logs for that particular area code. The least I can do is check in with APS. It's colder this year.  Snow will come sooner.  

[GaGrl]

Keep the focus on what you feel you need to do for peace of mind and peace in your home.

[drained1996]

I feel your pain Turkish, as I have an 82 year old mother with a diminished mind (and I'm sure some kind of PD) who will not leave home... .and is alone.  I'm just waiting on a call to say she has fallen... .

Having seen your posts in the past I'm sure you've done what you can to better this situation... .

You've done the best you could, that's all anyone can ask... .but I personally know that doesn't relieve our own pain all the time. 

Do we just Radically Accept who they are and their situation and be ok with that and just do what we can?   I've come to that conclusion... .and most of the time I'm ok with that... .but not always... .

[Harri]

Hi Turkish.  How are you doing?  I hope APS and her social worker will step in and start taking care of things.  One thing I do know is that often after visits to the ER or hospital stays, patients are set up with VNA services where the patient has contact with a nurse who can also call in social services etc.  Just mentioning that in the hope it offers a bit of relief.  I imagine the worry is still there no matter that your hands were tied the second she started making elder abuse claims and attacking your kids.

And that is the crux of it all.  Your situation is heartbreaking in that you are more than willing and capable of dealing with her but the damage she can inflict and the consequences of her own poor choices over her lifetime have made it impossible for you to do anything other than turn her over to social agencies.
 
I am sorry for the situation.  I am sorry she had tied your hands.  I am sorry she has made choices that make it dangerous for you to act on your instincts and desire to help and support her.

Her life and her current situation is not a failure on your part or an indication of your capabilities or worth.  Remember that.

 

[Turkish]

I got a call from home health care support services.  In the middle of immense pressure at my work.  I paused to talk.  They were trying to locate my mom.  The phone goes unanswered, and she said she couldn't leave a message (the voice mail is likely full). They were trying to arrange in home care.  I said that wouldn't work due to she being a hoarder.  The woman asked if it was because of accessibility.  I said that and the ceilings were caving in,  black mold,  and filth and that she needed to be out of there. She asked if I lived in the same town.  She asked it on a tone assuming I did.  I said no,  but in (city 130 miles away). She's running still.  

Though it's admirable she was able to emancipate herself at 16, this is one result of a person who didn't have parents (she was orphaned at 12 and 14 by her mom and dad,  respectively).

My ex recently told me that back then she was frustrated that I wouldn't share my dreams and goals with her. My dream was to have the family I never had.  My goal was to be the father (and to tell the truth,  parent), I never had. Apologies if that was shooting too low, was boring,  or not good enough. I will not be a failure to my kids.  

[Harri]

Hi again.  I was kind of hoping the visiting nurses would visit and that would start the whole process of getting your mother in at least a slightly supervised care situation that is at least safer physically.  Not what she wants and I know it is not easy for you to think of her being removed.  Yet I would think it is bitter sweet too?

My ex recently told me that back then she was frustrated that I wouldn't share my dreams and goals with her. My dream was to have the family I never had.  My goal was to be the father (and to tell the truth,  parent), I never had. Apologies if that was shooting too low, was boring,  or not good enough. I will not be a failure to my kids. 

There is so much pain, hope and vulnerability in this paragraph here.  It is incredibly sad that she was unable to see what was so important to you and what has driven you.  The love, dedication and not just the desire to be a father/parent but the actual act of being one is so obvious to me reading all of your threads and has been from my first day here.

Your dream and goal are attainable.  You are sufficient.  Indeed, I would say you are already achieving them.  Even better, I would say you are excelling.  Sometimes expectations born from our pasts prevent us from seeing that though.

[Turkish]

The situation is still volatile in my exes home. I talked to her this morning. More DV. It's going to come to a head next month.

Then I got to work, late, and the nurse contacted me. I just got off the phone. She said my mom didn't remember she broke her wrist. APS was in there this morning, so it's good that both agencies are talking. The nurse was driving out to my mom's place and will update me later. This is all a lot of drama... .

[Harri]

Drama?   Correct me if I am off base but (!) could you be minimizing a bit here?  DV, elder care issues mixed with dementia and APS and two kids are pretty serious issues to deal with Turkish on top of all the regular daily stuff you take care of.   

You can't fix things for your ex or your mom.  The best you can do right now is get the kids squared away and in a safe place where they are not exposed to all of this conflict.  Want to brainstorm some options here?  Need to vent?  Let er rip.  We can listen and come up with ideas... .

[Kwamina]

The nurse was driving out to my mom's place and will update me later.

Any news Turkish?

There is a lot going on in your life right now with both your mom and ex seemingly spiraling out of control.

My dream was to have the family I never had.  My goal was to be the father (and to tell the truth,  parent), I never had. Apologies if that was shooting too low, was boring,  or not good enough. I will not be a failure to my kids.  

Boring? Perhaps... .yet blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth The grass isn't always greener on the other side and your ex knows that too because I remember she said regretting leaving you and also that you would do anything to keep your kids safe.

The DV situation with your ex concerns me. I agree with Harri's advice and like her suggestion. If you wanna do a huddle and discuss strategy and tactics, the parrot is also ready to go.

[Turkish]

Maybe I am meek, but I'm not weak. I scared several people on Halloween in my neighborhood,  dressed as a Nina.  It wasn't a costume, but a real outfit, complete with a bokken  (wooden training sword--- and I might have violated local ordinances carrying it,  but whatever) over my shoulder. In my heart, I might be.  Never having had a father,  I might be less strong than I should be.  I don't know.  Maybe that's PI board stuff. I'm not sure the right path forward with my ex,  other than waiting for something and dealing with it.  Which brings me to my mom.

The home health care nurse called me earlier.  She stopped by my mom's property. The truck was there,  a little dog was running around (so the Chihuahua from Hell is still kicking), and there were chickens.  So my mom got more chickens,  trying to attach to her old life.  The nurse,  also living in the same rural mountain county and having chickens herself, went and bought feed for them.  She wants to ask my mom of she could take them,  to save them.  She called out,  but my mom didn't answer.  I told her that if the truck and dog were there,  she was inside but not answering. 

She asked if my mom could cook.  I said that she hasn't inside in over a decade (my mom lives on to go food from the mini mart and microwave diners). She asked if she had income.  I said $1400/mo social security,  which is enough to live on only having to pay about $1200/year in property taxes.  No rent,  no mortgage.  I explained the hoarding and the pissing away money thereof (I used better language). The nurse said she's seen that a lot. 

She said that she'd contact APS again,  but that it was a process.  They can't just go in there and take her. 

[Harri]

Nope, you are definitely not weak. 

Maybe I am meek, but I'm not weak... .  In my heart, I might be.  Never having had a father,  I might be less strong than I should be.  I don't know.  Maybe that's PI board stuff.

I can understand the uncertainty given the fact that you never had a good role model, or even *a* role model for that matter. 

The word should sets off a little alarm bell though.  I can't tell from here, but make sure you are not defining your strength and value as a man based on the current circumstances of your mom and ex'es lives.  They made their choices and they get to deal with the consequences of those choices.  Your duty is to yourself and your kids.

Regarding your question though, lets get to the basics.  What does strong mean to you?  In one thread you mentioned being old school and something along the lines of strong men don't cry.  You also mentioned a male author who was able to express his emotions and seemed in tune with them and yet did not cry, so it would seem that is one item you could put on your list of what defines strength (or rather, with crying, what is not strong behavior) in this context.  What else? 

What role/duties does a father have in your mind?  We so often talk about the myth of mother, sometimes the myth of family, but we neglect to talk about the role of a father and what that means.  sometimes not having a parent can cause people to have unrealistic expectations.  Is your view of being a father larger than life like we do with the role of mother?

Yeah, this may be a PI thread, but since you started this one, why not poke around a bit, even if only in your own head?

Okay, now that I have properly Harrified you, feel free to ignore my questions.    I know you are caught up in more immediate concerns and rightly so.

How are you doing?

[Turkish]

Short update:  another home health care nurse called me today,  trying to get ahold of my mother.  The phone keeps ringing.  I told her I talked to the other nurse yesterday.  This nurse knew the other's name and said she's call her. 

What they need to do is go in there (with hazmat suits) and physically remove her. Based upon what the other nurse told me yesterday,  it isn't so simple a legal matter.  My mother may be playing out her wish: "to die on the mountain." I can relate,  but what a horrible way to go.  I'm free next weekend to travel.  I'll see what's going on by then.  I may have to go in there. If she's that far gone now,  it's an unknown if she is even feeding herself.

So I've been "Harrified" huh? Lol.  That's a good one.  I was thinking about this ealier and brought it back to what so many children of pwBPD are told,  both explicitly and implicitly: who we are isn't good enough.  We should be the people whom they think we should be.  I got it as a parent a year ago implicitly "the problem with kids these days is that their parents need to be harder on them" referring to how I deal with S6. Four years ago,  when she was fairly lucid,  but still her,  "you should go back to school and do something different, " despite everything I've done despite my past (or maybe because-despite it?). Not knowing anything else,  I put up with it with my ex as well.  In the beginning,  "most men would do this, " the message being I wasn't whom she wanted me to be. ... for her,  despite being attracted to me being comfortable in my own skin, which she communicated in a way.  Later, the message was,  "you're not a man."

With my mother,  I don't think I got,  explicitly,  the message, "you're not a son, " but it was communicated in other ways,  like the gypsy like family she adopted over a decade ago from whom I eventually had to rescue her.  It was hurtful (and I'm violating the "man" code by admitting this), to have her talk about "adopting" a 28 year old woman with a bunch of children.  They made her feel needed and worthwhile.  I hadnt met my ex quite yet,  so I hadn't provided the requisite "family " she so desired.  Then I did, and it still wasn't good enough.  Guilt about everything. 

Being a parent is 100% under my control now,  that is,  my responsibility.  Tonight,  I cut off the TV.  S6 was angry.  I told him to write or draw.  I was making dinner (he was upset so barely ate,  which was fine,  he owned that). He wrote and brought to me,  "I don't love you." Me chuckling probably wasn't the best response.  I was draining spaghetti,  and he brought a drawing of two people: him big,  me small,  and the big figure pounding the little one.  I didn't laugh. My mom's reaction would have been to yell or smack.

Bedtime soon after was OK.  S6 was still a little upset,  but mostly it was sibling rivalry (who gets Daddy).  I'm on the back porch, but I checked them a while ago.  Both kids ended up in my bed,  sleeping peacefully. 

[Kwamina]

Harri asks all the right questions!

And I agree that you defintely aren't weak Turkish

Yeah, this may be a PI thread, but since you started this one, why not poke around a bit, even if only in your own head?

Yeah what does it mean to be strong? And what does it really mean to be weak or te be vulnerable? Isn't it so that our weakest moments, the moments that we feel most vulnerable are often also the moments that our greatest strength shines through?

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities... .for when I am weak, then am I strong."

It takes great strenght to allow yourself to be vulnerable and admit to any weaknessess you might believe to have.

[Sunfl0wer]

(I apologize if I am late chiming in and not grasping or such.)
Looks like you got some awesome support here already!

Just wanted to offer options in case... .
(I particularly like options, so excuse me if not needed)

What they need to do is go in there (with hazmat suits) and physically remove her. Based upon what the other nurse told me yesterday,  it isn't so simple a legal matter.  My mother may be playing out her wish: "to die on the mountain." I can relate,  but what a horrible way to go.  I'm free next weekend to travel.  I'll see what's going on by then.  I may have to go in there. If she's that far gone now,  it's an unknown if she is even feeding herself

Someone can call police to drive by to do a wellness check.
Then after the check that info can be reported to her open protective case as well.
In any even, after the police check, you can call them back to ask how the check went. (If you are the person who called)

(Home care company coulda done this too if they are concerned.  Sounds like they rather get another to take responsibility, not blaming them, just sayin.  I imagine this is not a comfy situation for anyone involved in any respect.)

[Harri]

Hi Turkish!  Sunflower is right about the wellness check.  You could call the police and ask them to check, saying that your mother did not respond to 2 visits from the visiting nurses.  Just reinforcing the suggestion in case the situation has not changed.  I'm not sure if this would fall into a rescuing behavior or not though.  Thoughts?  New developments?

In line with the always wise and feathery Board Parrots thoughts, I have been thinking about strength over the last couple of days.  I've been feeling a bit weak and wobbly emotionally but have kept reminding myself that being strong is similar to what they say about being brave.  Bravery is not the absence of fear; it is doing something in spite of the fear.  So how can you rewrite that using strength or being strong?

Revealing your feelings here, breaking your "man code" in spite of feeling that it is less than being a man and your belief that it shows a lack of strength is quite the opposite of reality and the way I have perceived your post.  It takes courage and strength to break through emotional barriers and allow yourself to be seen as vulnerable.  Hiding your feelings and keeping them held in is the easy way.  It worked great for you as a survival tool when you needed it, but you are stronger and are safe here.  So kudos and manly hugs to you... .except I am a girl and all but still.  Many manly hugs to you 

I think a lot of guys get messages like  you got from your ex and your mom.  Implicit or explicit, the message was received and it all sucks.  You are not here living your life to be who others expect you to be.  You get to define that and you have been defining that very well.  Unfortunately and tragically you have had people in your life who can't see you for the person and man you are and value you for who you are and appreciate what you do.  "Most men would do... ." is a form of manipulation and and attempt at control and I can see how it would beat you down and dig away at your core.  Chances are, even if you did do all those things she would have found some other area to criticize and try to control and manipulate. 

As for your mother 'adopting' a daughter?  She can not see what a gift she has in you Turkish.  That is her limitation and not yours, though it hurts like hell I imagine.  I can relate to not being good enough or even just enough though I imagine being adopted brings along a boatload of more pain, hurt and confusion. 

Your son is adorable and I think it is wonderful that you are allowing him to express his feelings when angry and upset with you and not taking it personally or making it be all about you. 

Turkish, please do not base your value and worth on the twisted views and warped expectations of the mentally ill people in your life.  I know with your mother the message was ingrained from the age of two and from others even before that, but their failings are not yours and yes, other people have failed you.  You are doing very well at working your way through being an adult and a father in spite of not having good role models.  That comes from within you and is a part of who you are... .yes, partly because of and in spite of your past but I think mostly because of your spirit which allowed you to take all of the crap and turn it around. 

Well done my friend.

[Turkish]

I talked to the nurse again last night. She keeps bringing food over for the chickens, and Animal Control said to stop doing so because if they had food, they could not take them. She said she'd try to stop by next Tuesday again. It's cold, and some snow is forecast. I texted my BFAM (brother from another mother) and he offered to do a recon mission (he lives about 6 miles away, rather than my 130). So I finally called my mother. She answered and sounded fine.

A few things didn't add up, such as knowing when the nurse came by last week. She said she was out back with the chickens (this would have been no more than 30 yards, granted through some small trees and hoard. At the end, I gave her the nurses number and urged her to call. I told her that the nurse had brought the chicken feed, and my mom said that some "idiot" had told them that she wasn't feeding her chickens (I'll have to coach the nurse on this, because if my mom learns this, she'll never talk to or trust her again). Not knowing, my mom said that she liked the "young girl and her partner was nice, too."

Her old PA (physician's assistant), she's entirely painted black. She said that the woman had violated HIPPA (under which falls a privacy rule where providers are forbidden to discuss personal health related issues of their patients with others, even family members). I asked my mom how she knew. She said that she's in touch with and getting help from various "seniors" in the area (I wonder if they've been inside her house?), and people told her this. I have no idea whether this is true or not. It's certainly possible. I neither validated nor invalidated it.

She said that she had heat (at least while she has electricity, and there are outages every winter). I forgot that I had given her the portable electric oil heater that I bought last year for my own home when the furnace went out for a few days. As for me, I didn't mention any of the other stuff. She was glad to hear from me, but didn't want to "bother me" by calling after I said "the phone works both ways." She said it costs her money to call. I reminded her that she can call on her landline and I will call her back on my cell which is free.

I called this evening again as I'd promised so she could talk to the kids. She gotten them presents again. S6 was short and silly. He's like that with his own mother. D4 didn't want to talk, but at the end wished her Happy Thanksgiving. My mom did the usual "she doesn't remember who I am." I said no, that she was just like that sometimes. I said that both kids mention her from time to time. Again, I urged her to call the nurse. My mom kept asking when I was coming over. I reminded her three times that I was at my home. This was the only sign of forgetfullness. Otherwise, she sounded like she would have ten years ago. Normal.

Last night, I talked about the mental health issues. The nurse asked specifically what she was diagnosed with (I knew she was trying to be objective, which is the right way to approach it). I said that for sure my mom was clinically diagnosed with depression and PTSD (life-long), and that she told me she thought she had BPD as well, but was never clinically diagnosed. The nurse said that for them to take conservency of her legally, they had to involve a doctor to declare her unfit. I didn't know it was this complicated, but it's good to know we as citizens have these protections. On the other hand, it would just take one slip outside, and my mom being on the wet, cold ground for 15 mins before being unable to move, and die from exposure. If she doesn't have her phone with her, she  won't be able to call EMS as she did for the broken wrist. Tonight my mom said she removed the cast herself because she couldn't do much with one hand.

My mom talked about the beautiful chickens and how I should bring the kids to see them. Her road by now is a mud bog, and it's probably in the 40sF in the day time right now. I know the kids would only like it, if at all, for minutes. I'm not bringing them up there. If she survives the winter, I might bring the kids there. But it's dirty, and there's no place to sit down outside. I could only stand 1/2 hour visits for the same reason for the past years.

I'll probably talk to the nurse tomorrow (she said she'd call me after she touched base with APS). It might be that their hands are tied. My mom is stubborn and intransigent, determined to stay. There may be nothing anybody can do. If she drives her truck off her dirt road (my old 4x4, which despite that, needed a tow truck to pull it out), I'm not using my towing service to pull it out as I did the summer before last. That and the money I sent her to help with the property taxes were the last rescues I did before taking her to live with us a year ago.

My mom said "what are we going to do about Christmas?" I said I didn't have the kids that week. It would be nice for them to see her, but she will reek, once again, of feces, mildew, and cigarette smoke. So too will the clothes she said she got the kids. I don't want to deal with it. She gets angry if you even imply anything about a "smell."

[GaGrl]

Turkish, I have to think that if anyone can gain access to her house, there would be reason for lan examination of her mental health. Is that what the nurse is aiming for?

[Turkish]

The nurse didn't call me today. Anyone going up the back door of the laundry room can get a good preview of what lies inside,  though the nurse said the inner door was closed or latched.  So they wouldn't see the feces encrusted linoleum in the kitchen,  how it's been for at least a decade.  I took photos of the inside when we were last there last February.  Floor, ceilings caving in,  black mold, and of course the hoard. Though not going on one can't really appreciate it *gag*, maybe it's something. 

What I'm struggling with its how normal she sounded on the phone as opposed to what the deputy told me,  and my friend's dad who saw her who commented that she really seemed "not there."

[Sunfl0wer]

What I'm struggling with its how normal she sounded on the phone as opposed to what the deputy told me,  and my friend's dad who saw her who commented that she really seemed "not there."

I've been amazed at how well many older folks with dementia can appear via phone calls with relatives.  Lots of familiar scripts come up, familiar ways of chatting.  It is a whole other world seeing same person in person often and how they handle unexpected happenings, or novel suggestions or to see how they are getting about... .Just surprisingly different in person, yea.

Ex: My friend's grandma sounded perfect via phone.  Yet we spent a weekend there, she kept seeing us and wanting to set the table every 30 minutes to feed us lunch.  She kept forgetting where some of us were and when she was surprised we were there, she would fake it,(not admitting her surprise) again going to a task of comfort, and trying to be hospitable setting the table or trying to make everyone tea or cocoa.  

We had to just distract her enough to forget she wanted to feed us again, and we had to keep putting the plates and stuff away when she was distracted, as she would see them and keep wanting to put out something.
  
We did end up drinking a lot of tea that weekend.