Are Double Lives Common in BPD?

[seeperplexed]

My ex was a pathological liar which I found out all at once. She cheated on me with lord knows how many people (3 to my knowledge) and could have been doing any number of things in her spare time when she said she was going somewhere after work or hanging out with a friend. Disgusting to think of now, so I try to avoid it, as it gets me absolutely nowhere in my healing. First of all, how was it so easy for her to deceive me and still feel OK about herself, and is this sort of thing common in individuals with BPD?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi seeperplexed-

First of all, how was it so easy for her to deceive me and still feel OK about herself, and is this sort of thing common in individuals with BPD?

Borderlines typically don't feel OK about themselves and rely on attachments to feel whole and soothe emotions they can't soothe on their own.  That need for attachment and the impulsive behavior that is a trait of the disorder results in behavior like that, plus, without a self of their own, borderlines can present a fiction, a product of mirroring whomever they're with, and it's always that way, so in their mind there may not be any deception going on, it's just how they live, or they have elaborate psychological tools to justify it.

So how are you doing seeper?  Finding out that what the relationship actually was, was nowhere near what we thought it was can be devastating and make us question everything about what we thought we knew.  I'm sorry you're going through that, I have certainly been there, and finding something like that out changes our perceptions of everything.

[seeperplexed]

So how are you doing seeper?  Finding out that what the relationship actually was, was nowhere near what we thought it was can be devastating and make us question everything about what we thought we knew.  I'm sorry you're going through that, I have certainly been there, and finding something like that out changes our perceptions of everything.

I'm doing better. I'm 3 months into the breakup with about 6 weeks of NC. Hardest time of my life by far but slowly but surely, things look up. Or at least, the intensity fades a bit. I find myself going minutes (GASP) without a thought of her. I've been reading quite a bit and I'll be volunteering for a crisis hotline to help others, which in turn will help me. I'm confused. I am not sure this situation ever won't be confusing. But I'm getting better, slowly but surely. Thank you for your wonderful reply.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm confused. I am not sure this situation ever won't be confusing.

Learning about the clinical side of the disorder can help eliminate the confusion, once we understand why borderlines do what they do.  Doesn't make the behaviors OK by any stretch, but at least we're not as confused, and as you detach further and the fog clears, and you remember things from the relationship coming from that place, it will all take on new meanings and your perceptions of her, yourself and the relationship will change.  All part of detachment, and hang in there seeper, detachment can be a grand adventure as we dive in, heal and grow.

[Pretty Woman]

I think they are required.
 

When I came into the picture my ex was going through a break up. I thought she had gone through it... .I had no idea the other person was still clinging to hope... .
because she was letting them believe there was some.

What I didn't know is my ex was already in contact with another ex and working them over. About a year into our relationship I was left for this person... .for two weeks. She came back when she realized there was no way she was going to move three states away... .so she had a nice vacation while I sat alone tormented.

I will tell you this. When I called out my ex she was honest about things. Like when we were fighting and she was texting someone. Later, after dumping me for this person... .
and coming back. She admitted she had been confiding in this person about our issues and she knew it was wrong.

When I read what I have written above it makes me ill.  Now removed from this for a few years I see how crazy this was and I contributed to it by allowing myself to be treated poorly. This is why I think NC is so helpful in healing... .it lets you take a good hard look at what happened and why.

But back to your question... .BPD's don't have a solid identity, they rely on source (Significant Others) for that and they mirror you. You might have noticed your BPD didn't have any real friends or interests but seemed very interested in your life, and that's the draw, we all want someone interested in us, knowing us, our likes and dislikes. Unfortunately in these types of unions that allows us to be manipulated down the road if we aren't aware of what is happening. That's how I ended up on these boards, learning all I could about this dreadful disorder I had no idea existed.

[kentavr3]

Most of the time , the final real problem is with our low self esteem. I've been learning BPD/NPD from 2014. I'm kind of expert. Now I understand , that even a wish to understand BPD comes from our low self esteem. We think that they hold a key to our happiness. NO! We have those key. From My experiences, exBPDw cheated on me many times. She cheated on her first husband 2 days before a wedding day. Her mother did the same with her husband. It is a life trap. They are initially broken. Cheating gives them joy, Adrenalin and more important your devaluation. Will this be easier for your to go over this? No. Raise your self esteem. it is not US. this is them!