Does It Ever Truly End Well?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have read hundreds of stories of intimate relationships with pwBPD and have yet to read a single one where the couple thrived and lived happily ever after. Does it ever end well in an intimate relationship with a pwBPD?

[Duped 1]

I have read hundreds of stories of intimate relationships with pwBPD and have yet to read a single one where the couple thrived and lived happily ever after. Does it ever end well in an intimate relationship with a pwBPD?

[once removed]

youre not likely to find them on the Detaching board, but there is a thread of success stories on the Improving board.

why do you ask Duped1?

[TyroneWiggums]

I have read hundreds of stories of intimate relationships with pwBPD and have yet to read a single one where the couple thrived and lived happily ever after. Does it ever end well in an intimate relationship with a pwBPD?

I had this same question when I met my therapist for the first time this week.  Her opinion may be of the professional variety but as she said herself, it's still an opinion.

In over forty years of practice she said she's never seen it work out without  significant concessions by the non partner that included years of therapy for the non to learn the skills to stay in the relationship, as well as acceptance that relapsing, hurtful behavior would be a part of life. 

Further, she told me she no longer treats borderlines; apparently the ones she truly could help with DBT wore her out, and the treatment resistant ones... .

The thing that really stuck with me was her statement that remission is not recovery, and though she'd seen the symptoms of BPD subside after YEARS (her emphasis) of therapy, "there's still significant impairment just with everyday functioning."

"I know you're heartbroken but you can have the prom queen without the drama."

Good luck man. I hope you find happiness, whatever that looks like to you. I know I would have loved to save our relationship; hope you can and do if that's your wish.

[Duped 1]

 

why do you ask Duped1?
[/quote]

I ask because it seems in even the best case scenarios that it's not a healthy relationship or a good or fullfilling life for the nonBPD person.

[CooperD]

Tyrone my therapist said exactly the same as yours - the conclusion being that I could spend the rest of my life in hell and miserable trying to please and make this person happy but never ever being able to accomplish it.  The end result for myself being  an early grave / lots of mental health problems and physical deterioration.

[bpdhusband1993]

23 years and continual frustration with a BPD wife.
She had many years of trauma in childhood.  I figured after a few years of a stable marriage, she'd be good.  Well, it actually wasn't bad for the first 10 years or so.  There were definitely issues, but overall, not bad.  However, raising kids and then her mother's death set of an unfortunate downward spiral.  I've not been happy in our marriage for years (other than a few "windows".  Our sex life is sterile - even non-existant.  She refuses to talk about it.  She blames me for everything.  I do the grocery shopping, I help our kids with homework, I go to work.  I plan family vacations (we go to Hawaii every year as well as CA and AZ).  She does not work.  She will not work.  She claims that she is a "stay-at-home-mom."  That's fine... .but... .she won't get out of bed to make the kids lunches for school - so I do that.  She yells at us when the kitchen is not clean or if I leave clothes on the bedroom floor.  When I cook (which is most of the time during the summer and sometimes during the work-week), she does not thank me but rather complains that I've not cleaned up the mess I made.
I helped her through two suicide attempts.  I've been to 3 or 4 different marriage counselors with her.  It is always my fault or my families fault.  I'm so tired of it.  I wish I could say it ends well.  In my case, it doesn't end.  It is mostly neutral, sometimes good, often bad.  I endure for the sake of the kids, but a big part of me wants out of this.

[once removed]

I ask because it seems in even the best case scenarios that it's not a healthy relationship or a good or fullfilling life for the nonBPD person.

it can be tempting for us to put the failure of our relationships on the disorder (or disordered person), and that can be a shaky foundation for healing and from which theres only so much to be learned.

im not saying youre doing that. but i suspect at the heart of your question is "could my relationship have truly ended well"?

was your relationship unfulfilling? how so?

[Duped 1]

Yes I think it's common to blame the failed relationship on the disorder and rightfully so as it typically plays a huge part and it certainly did in my case. I tried to be rational and logical with her and get her to own her behavior and it just didn't work. It was like dealing with a mean, selfish 5 year old. I didn't understand she had BPD at the time but it wouldn't have mattered on the end as she was impossible to please.i turned my life upside down to please her and the more I did, the more she complained and criticised.

Yes it was very unfulfilling giving as much as I did and never being appreciated or validated , but instead being on pins and needles awaiting her next insult, criticism, complaint, or random explosion.

[once removed]

it was a lot like dealing with a mean, selfish five year old, i agree.

not for me, eh? and yet after the breakup i wondered how i got there. many of us report feeling like wed lost ourselves within the relationship - having given more and more of ourselves.

have you had a chance to read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

i found it pretty eye opening.