Ex is getting married, I'm trying to find ground

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everybody!

I'm new here, 4 months out of a breakup and still trying to find some ground to stand on.

I had a very complicated relationship with a girl who, as I understand now, showed some strong NPD/BPD traits. I'm not looking to diagnose her, but rather understand what happened. My self-esteem is battered right now, so while everybody tells me I should be thrilled this relationship ended, I somehow still miss my ex and feel like I was my happiest with her.

We met each other 3 years ago and she showed some great interest in me. Beautiful, smart, charismatic, great sense of humour - and on top of that flirting with me - I felt great. She added me on fb and started talking with me. Always initiating, always wanted to know more about me. One problem - it seemed like she had a boyfriend. This made me very careful, so I asked who is this guy in the pictures and she said that he is somebody who is courting her and is very persistent, but she has no interest in.

And so the honeymoon stage began. She said she had feelings for me, something she never felt and didn't feel for another guy. I expected her to end things with this other guy and be with me, but after about a month I understood that she didn't do anything to do so. More so, after about one more month she became official with this other guy. She constructed a story where she was drunk and texted him she loved him, didn't remember it, but couldn't take it back the next day, and so on and so forth, so they became official.
Being naive, I actually believed her. I was devastated. In those two months I fell so hard for her, I felt like I finally caught a lightning in a bottle, and met my soulmate.  Being grief-struck,  I decided to "fight for her". "If there is a chance she loves me and not the other guy, I need to do everything to get her" I thought. And so my quest began. I never hid my feelings for her and was in contact with her.

During that time:
1) She talked about sex with the other guy (according to her, he was her first)
2) Said she wanted to get married after a month of them being official and asked for my advice
3) Boasted how great the other guy was
4) Had pictures all over facebook with them being romantic (some professionally taken at various events)
5) He moved in with her at her parents' house

At the same time she sent me mixed signals, so I thought there is a chance. Long story short, 6 months later she drunk-kissed me (had no recollection of that for about a week, according to her). I didn't want to do anything about that since she still had a boyfriend, but she started to act very sexual towards me and finally I gave up. We started to have sex and go out as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I always wanted her to end things with the other guy, but she always had excuses why she couldn't do it right now. She painted me the picture of him basically forcing her to live together, her not wanting to have sex with her, etc. She said that she always wanted me to be her first, but was scared because she didn't have any sexual experience and thought this would put me off (which sounded crazy to me).

I won't tell you guys the whole story, it's pretty long. Just that we were together for 2.5 years (plus about 8 months before that in limbo) and she never left her "other boyfriend" during that time.

Some things that I know understand were signs of her dysfunction:
1) Abusive ex. They were together for 4 years, never had sex, he proposed to her in Paris, she said no, they were together a few months after that, but then the guy installed spyware on her computer, she found out and broke it off;
2) Big health problems. She was very sick, according to her, but nobody knew except me and her close 'friend' (local drug king-pin, who was in love with her). She said I need to promise I won't tell anybody;
3) Drug and alcohol abuse. She was pretty normal and sweet girl, except when we had arguments - then she would get drunk or use cocaine and paired with #2 pose a big risk for her health. I would be worried crazy, because with her condition literally every time she used could be her last;
4) After great, intimate sex with me she would say something like "how would you feel if I slept with so-and-so (a guy we both knew)?" or "you should find yourself somebody else to marry and we could still see each other";
5) Whenever I didn't show her enough affection, she would compare me to her ex, break up with me and would start to act very cold and detached (literally as we were having a night out);
6) Called me "fat" or "cheap" in front of other people. As a joke, she said. I'm neither overweight, nor ever had problem spending money on her.
7) Would criticize me and make me feel like I'm a little baby. I tried to explain to her, that I welcome her opinion, but there is no need to mock me. She said I can't stand being criticized and "too sensitive";
8) She used to tell me how great other guys who hit on her, were. Didn't understand why I was upset and told me I'm very jealous (I never thought of myself as being overly jealous in my life);
9) Accused me of using her for sex, then accused me of not wanting sex with her and being disgusted by the thought of having sex with her;
10) Accused me of using her for entertainment and playing with her emotions (basically, saying I'm a psychopath);
11) We never could solve our arguments. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like a quicksand. I tried to be reasonable, but somehow in the end of the argument I felt crazy and like it was all my fault.
12) My jokes from being hilarious started being offensive. I was always controlling myself not to say anything that she might not like (usually it will end with her accusing me being either stupid or a psychopath).
13) She would accuse me of doing crazy psychopath-type things (like using her or forwarding our messages to another woman in order to play with her emotions).
14) She told me crazy stories of men being interested in her to the point of stalking her, but always refused to tell me their names or made me promise not to do anything about it.

There were other things, which I can't remember right now, but I think these should be enough to pain a picture.  The most crazy part is that while I can recall these parts, during our relationship it was like they are blocked out. For the majority of it, everything was pretty good. She missed me, we had great time and it was like there were no other guy or these abusive moments.

I always wanted more intimacy with her (being official, moving in together, getting married), but she always told me I'm a very difficult person and that we are not ready yet. Her greatest fear was me falling out of love with her, and she felt that if we start to spend more time together, we would just fight and lose each other. Which I couldn't wrap my head around.

But the ending of this story is completely mind-blowing for me. This summer she graduated and got a job. Some older guy took interest in her (he is 10 years older than her and is 32). She told me all about him. He sent her crazy complements, on her night out with a friend he even went as far as showing up unannounced, picking her up and bringing her home in his car. 4 days after that she broke up with me and the other guy. (so yes, there are 3 guys at this point). She told me that she fell head over heals in love and that she thinks this guy is "the one". This is just after two weeks of them knowing each other. She understood that what she was doing before that was wrong (dating 2 guys at once) and wanted to change her life. Since she couldn't choose between us for 3 years, she thought that neither one of us is "the one".

I think you can imagine my feelings. She told me that "this doesn't change how I feel about you. You can always rely on me, I'm your friend". At this point I had enough. I went NC and did my best to maintain it.
3.5 months after NC she wrote me. She asked me how I was and what was new. She told me she missed me terribly. She asked me if we can be friends. Said she wanted to write for a long time, but hesitated. Her friend said her that she saw me with another girl and so she thought I'm already in another relationship and moved on. (Which is crazy, at 3.5 months I was still crying myself to sleep most of the nights).
I said that I can't be friends with her and then she announced that she is getting married in December (4.5 months of them being together). Her page shows them being in whirlwind romance - going to another city on their first date, then travelling to another country to a seashore after a month, then moving in together. Everything points out to this being the greatest love of her life. She is kissing him, hugging him, she is so happy. And know she is getting married.

These news knocked me over. It feels like my life turned upside down. We were very close and now she is getting married? What is this?
For those 4 months I read everything there is to read about the breakup. I posted on numerous forums, but only reading about BPD made me feel somewhat sane.

Thank you guys for reading and sorry for making such a long post. 

[Kalinin]

Hi everybody!

I'm new here, 4 months out of a breakup and still trying to find some ground to stand on.

I had a very complicated relationship with a girl who, as I understand now, showed some strong NPD/BPD traits. I'm not looking to diagnose her, but rather understand what happened. My self-esteem is battered right now, so while everybody tells me I should be thrilled this relationship ended, I somehow still miss my ex and feel like I was my happiest with her.

We met each other 3 years ago and she showed some great interest in me. Beautiful, smart, charismatic, great sense of humour - and on top of that flirting with me - I felt great. She added me on fb and started talking with me. Always initiating, always wanted to know more about me. One problem - it seemed like she had a boyfriend. This made me very careful, so I asked who is this guy in the pictures and she said that he is somebody who is courting her and is very persistent, but she has no interest in.

And so the honeymoon stage began. She said she had feelings for me, something she never felt and didn't feel for another guy. I expected her to end things with this other guy and be with me, but after about a month I understood that she didn't do anything to do so. More so, after about one more month she became official with this other guy. She constructed a story where she was drunk and texted him she loved him, didn't remember it, but couldn't take it back the next day, and so on and so forth, so they became official.
Being naive, I actually believed her. I was devastated. In those two months I fell so hard for her, I felt like I finally caught a lightning in a bottle, and met my soulmate.  Being grief-struck,  I decided to "fight for her". "If there is a chance she loves me and not the other guy, I need to do everything to get her" I thought. And so my quest began. I never hid my feelings for her and was in contact with her.

During that time:
1) She talked about sex with the other guy (according to her, he was her first)
2) Said she wanted to get married after a month of them being official and asked for my advice
3) Boasted how great the other guy was
4) Had pictures all over facebook with them being romantic (some professionally taken at various events)
5) He moved in with her at her parents' house

At the same time she sent me mixed signals, so I thought there is a chance. Long story short, 6 months later she drunk-kissed me (had no recollection of that for about a week, according to her). I didn't want to do anything about that since she still had a boyfriend, but she started to act very sexual towards me and finally I gave up. We started to have sex and go out as boyfriend and girlfriend.

I always wanted her to end things with the other guy, but she always had excuses why she couldn't do it right now. She painted me the picture of him basically forcing her to live together, her not wanting to have sex with her, etc. She said that she always wanted me to be her first, but was scared because she didn't have any sexual experience and thought this would put me off (which sounded crazy to me).

I won't tell you guys the whole story, it's pretty long. Just that we were together for 2.5 years (plus about 8 months before that in limbo) and she never left her "other boyfriend" during that time.

Some things that I know understand were signs of her dysfunction:
1) Abusive ex. They were together for 4 years, never had sex, he proposed to her in Paris, she said no, they were together a few months after that, but then the guy installed spyware on her computer, she found out and broke it off;
2) Big health problems. She was very sick, according to her, but nobody knew except me and her close 'friend' (local drug king-pin, who was in love with her). She said I need to promise I won't tell anybody;
3) Drug and alcohol abuse. She was pretty normal and sweet girl, except when we had arguments - then she would get drunk or use cocaine and paired with #2 pose a big risk for her health. I would be worried crazy, because with her condition literally every time she used could be her last;
4) After great, intimate sex with me she would say something like "how would you feel if I slept with so-and-so (a guy we both knew)?" or "you should find yourself somebody else to marry and we could still see each other";
5) Whenever I didn't show her enough affection, she would compare me to her ex, break up with me and would start to act very cold and detached (literally as we were having a night out);
6) Called me "fat" or "cheap" in front of other people. As a joke, she said. I'm neither overweight, nor ever had problem spending money on her.
7) Would criticize me and make me feel like I'm a little baby. I tried to explain to her, that I welcome her opinion, but there is no need to mock me. She said I can't stand being criticized and "too sensitive";
8) She used to tell me how great other guys who hit on her, were. Didn't understand why I was upset and told me I'm very jealous (I never thought of myself as being overly jealous in my life);
9) Accused me of using her for sex, then accused me of not wanting sex with her and being disgusted by the thought of having sex with her;
10) Accused me of using her for entertainment and playing with her emotions (basically, saying I'm a psychopath);
11) We never could solve our arguments. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like a quicksand. I tried to be reasonable, but somehow in the end of the argument I felt crazy and like it was all my fault.
12) My jokes from being hilarious started being offensive. I was always controlling myself not to say anything that she might not like (usually it will end with her accusing me being either stupid or a psychopath).
13) She would accuse me of doing crazy psychopath-type things (like using her or forwarding our messages to another woman in order to play with her emotions).
14) She told me crazy stories of men being interested in her to the point of stalking her, but always refused to tell me their names or made me promise not to do anything about it.

There were other things, which I can't remember right now, but I think these should be enough to pain a picture.  The most crazy part is that while I can recall these parts, during our relationship it was like they are blocked out. For the majority of it, everything was pretty good. She missed me, we had great time and it was like there were no other guy or these abusive moments.

I always wanted more intimacy with her (being official, moving in together, getting married), but she always told me I'm a very difficult person and that we are not ready yet. Her greatest fear was me falling out of love with her, and she felt that if we start to spend more time together, we would just fight and lose each other. Which I couldn't wrap my head around.

But the ending of this story is completely mind-blowing for me. This summer she graduated and got a job. Some older guy took interest in her (he is 10 years older than her and is 32). She told me all about him. He sent her crazy complements, on her night out with a friend he even went as far as showing up unannounced, picking her up and bringing her home in his car. 4 days after that she broke up with me and the other guy. (so yes, there are 3 guys at this point). She told me that she fell head over heals in love and that she thinks this guy is "the one". This is just after two weeks of them knowing each other. She understood that what she was doing before that was wrong (dating 2 guys at once) and wanted to change her life. Since she couldn't choose between us for 3 years, she thought that neither one of us is "the one".

I think you can imagine my feelings. She told me that "this doesn't change how I feel about you. You can always rely on me, I'm your friend". At this point I had enough. I went NC and did my best to maintain it.
3.5 months after NC she wrote me. She asked me how I was and what was new. She told me she missed me terribly. She asked me if we can be friends. Said she wanted to write for a long time, but hesitated. Her friend said her that she saw me with another girl and so she thought I'm already in another relationship and moved on. (Which is crazy, at 3.5 months I was still crying myself to sleep most of the nights).
I said that I can't be friends with her and then she announced that she is getting married in December (4.5 months of them being together). Her page shows them being in whirlwind romance - going to another city on their first date, then travelling to another country to a seashore after a month, then moving in together. Everything points out to this being the greatest love of her life. She is kissing him, hugging him, she is so happy. And know she is getting married.

These news knocked me over. It feels like my life turned upside down. We were very close and now she is getting married? What is this?
For those 4 months I read everything there is to read about the breakup. I posted on numerous forums, but only reading about BPD made me feel somewhat sane.

Thank you guys for reading and sorry for making such a long post. 

[once removed]

hi Kalinin and

it feels good to get your story out, huh? this does sound like a complicated relationship, which tends to be the nature of our stories - id say youre in the right place, and i can certainly relate to your "aha moment" when i discovered BPD.

the news sounds like a huge blow. my ex moved into another relationship very quickly herself, and it was surreal for me to witness. your feelings given the circumstances are to be expected.

im glad you took the step of making your first post and reaching out. we have lessons (links) directly to the right ------> that will aid you in this process. how is your support system? do you also have friends and family you can lean on?

[Kalinin]

Thank you, once removed.

I shared some things with my family (not the full story though), and they said I should be happy this relationship has ended. I wish it was this easy.

Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends and currently I'm struggling with loneliness. My ex was my closest friend.

I'm trying to change my life for the better by improving some aspects of it that I always wanted to improve (like finally getting my driver's license).  I also tried dating, but it didn't feel right, and the girl didn't seem particularly interested (maybe I'm just projecting). We had a good time though.

I have this weird feeling like even though my relationship with ex was unhealthy, I was happier and more fulfilled in them than I'm now. I can't shake it. Days just go by and I fantasize about how they would've been better if my ex was still in my life and this whole breakup thing never happened. Is this something you can relate to?

Most of all, I'm scared of being "stuck" on her. Because the good parts - they were really good. Fairytale-like. What if healthy relationship will just feel dull by comparison?

[once removed]

they said I should be happy this relationship has ended. I wish it was this easy.

its a well intentioned statement (i heard similar). part of me felt that way, and so i thought something was wrong with me for grieving my loss. it was very freeing to know that on the contrary, it is healthy to fully grieve. you are among people who understand the complexities of these relationships and their ending, the conflicting feelings, and that none of this is easy.

Unfortunately, I don't have any close friends and currently I'm struggling with loneliness. My ex was my closest friend.

im sorry to hear that Kalinin. if it helps: i could have probably used more support after my breakup. i felt very isolated. the notion that i wasnt "alone" but rather "on my own" became my mantra. it may not feel like it, but you have the strength within you to get through this. meanwhile, we are here to support you 24/7, and talking helps a great deal with loneliness.

I'm trying to change my life for the better by improving some aspects of it that I always wanted to improve (like finally getting my driver's license).

nice! that can also open up a lot of doors socially, and all sorts of other opportunities. might even be a good idea to take a nice trip and treat yourself. i found that giving myself a sense of accomplishment really went a long way toward rebuilding my confidence.

Days just go by and I fantasize about how they would've been better if my ex was still in my life and this whole breakup thing never happened. Is this something you can relate to?

sure i can, and im sure that includes many others here. one key, as youre ready of course, is to begin to put that energy toward building a better, brighter future, and to begin making it happen. it can be a slow process, but i promise it exists if you take it.

Most of all, I'm scared of being "stuck" on her. Because the good parts - they were really good. Fairytale-like. What if healthy relationship will just feel dull by comparison?

this is a common feeling, fear, and discussion here, so youre not alone in that regard. probably right now, most potential relationships would feel dull in comparison. it takes some readjusting, even rewiring, and discovery. 

what do you do for fun? what gets the adrenaline going?

[Kalinin]

what do you do for fun? what gets the adrenaline going?

Not much these days. Just watching movies and reading mostly. My goal is to finally join a gym, but I keep putting it off. Need to bite the bullet though and just do it.

[once removed]

primarily, i was asking in regard to your statement that other relationships might feel dull in comparison - in other words, what, to you, does not feel dull in comparison?

in retrospect, i had some fairy tale ideas of love. that i ought to just find a person, and instantly click, which is what happened, and which i mistook for love. ive since learned that love, trust, intimacy, these things are built slowly, and over time.

point being, we tend to have experiences in our past that shape our idea of what love is, and is supposed to feel like. does this ring a bell?

[Kalinin]

primarily, i was asking in regard to your statement that other relationships might feel dull in comparison - in other words, what, to you, does not feel dull in comparison?

in retrospect, i had some fairy tale ideas of love. that i ought to just find a person, and instantly click, which is what happened, and which i mistook for love. ive since learned that love, trust, intimacy, these things are built slowly, and over time.

point being, we tend to have experiences in our past that shape our idea of what love is, and is supposed to feel like. does this ring a bell?

Yes, absolutely. I know that I clicked with my ex pretty fast. I guess what I miss the most is being on the same intellectual level, having similar tastes and just the feeling like the relationship is going naturally. I, of course, miss that initial stage of infatuation, but it was short-lived in my case anyway and mostly was mixed with pain.

I fear that I will find a nice girl, but I won't have the same kind of intellectual connection I did with my ex. That's my biggest fear. I see my friends marrying this type of girls. They are... .just girls. Nice, loyal, decent girls, but when I think about spending the rest of my life with somebody like this, I feel depressed.

And this makes me think - what if I'm chasing after a dream? What if this "best buddy that you can talk about everything", loyal, healthy, understanding and sexy just don't mix? You know what I'm saying?

I don't expect it to be a whirlwind romance, but I expect some degree of mutual interest going forward, and having "wow, that's interesting" moments with her, not "well, I can tolerate that" moments.

Maybe I'm just a snob, I don't know.

[once removed]

Maybe I'm just a snob, I don't know.

i dont think youre a snob. in fact, i can relate a great deal. it seems counterintuitive to see it this way, but some years ago it finally hit me, it wasnt so much "girls", it was me - for a number of reasons that werent so obvious.

what does your past relationship history look like?

[Kalinin]

i dont think youre a snob. in fact, i can relate a great deal. it seems counterintuitive to see it this way, but some years ago it finally hit me, it wasnt so much "girls", it was me - for a number of reasons that werent so obvious.

what does your past relationship history look like?

My ex was my first serious relationship. Others shown interest in me before that, but I was pretty much clueless and scared of relationships (my father cheated on my mom, they are still married, but live apart for many years, it was never a particularly happy marriage). So I have that typically complicated childhood of somebody who is a "fixer"/codependent type. I always said to my ex that she is basically a family member to me. I broke a lot of my barriers when I was with her. I don't think she ever recognized or valued any of this, but in the end I'm glad I did break them, because that opened a part of me I didn't know existed.

I'm curious what do you mean by "it was me", if you don't mind me asking? I understand that in the sense that there is nothing "wrong" with these girls. They are just not for me, I guess. So, yes, it's me and not them. Somebody else can be perfectly happy with them.

Also, thank you for this discussion. Usually all you get is "Move on, maintain NC. You dodged a bullet". It's nice having a real chat for a change.

[once removed]

I'm curious what do you mean by "it was me"

often times we choose emotionally unavailable partners because of our own, often unconscious fear of intimacy which can take many forms and stem from a variety of reasons. it seems counterintuitive given the seeming closeness we felt with our BPD ex partners - in many ways, ive never been closer to a person. it took me some time and thinking, but when i looked, i saw it manifested in the partners i chose, really my relationships of all kinds. in other words, there were fear based reasons, discomforts with myself, barriers that prevented me from getting close to - and as a result dismissing -  healthy people.

having said that, we arent meant to find everyone attractive and everyone has their own tastes. this being your first serious relationship youve not fully explored that. this is obviously a particularly tough first serious relationship. its also an opportunity; these relationships can teach us a great deal about ourselves as we detach and go on to build healthier relationships.

anytime. we are here 24/7. as you process, i also recommend seeing a therapist. most of our members find it an invaluable resource in addition to support here.