counsel please - I'm at the end of my rope with my BPD wife

[GregR]

I badly need help!

I have been with my wife for the last 20 years and we have been married for 17. We have two lovely boys, one 14, the other 8, and they suffer psychologically because their parents fight all the time. It is by reading “Stop walking on eggshells” last January that I finally discovered that my wife must have BPD. It was as if someone had been sitting in my living room and was now describing my experiences with my wife.

Two years ago, I suffered a major burnout with depression. I had to stop working for six months. I am doing much better now. As my own condition is improving, my relationship with my wife deteriorates. Before, I used to take all the abuse and blame, wondering how I could be so stupid and trying to fix myself. I cannot stand this abuse anymore, especially now that its pattern is now much more apparent to me.

After a wonderful summer and great holidays, return to work for my wife and I and return to school for the boys coincided with a return of the abuse from my wife, exclusively focussed on me. I couldn’t take it anymore. On every occasion, I would ask my wife to stop, saying to her that what she was doing was abusive and that it was very painful to me. If she refused, which was most of the time, I would withdraw to another room or go out and take a walk, go shopping, etc. (just to get away). By the way, car rides with her are like hell. When she would stop, the best I have had so far was a lecture on how susceptible I am, that I should get over it, that she said she was sorry (in a tone saying “what’s wrong with your head?, I haven’t done anything”) so why am I still upset, etc. At other times, she would chase me around the house, from room to room, me asking for peace, she pursuing and amplifying her abuse, sometimes leading her to rather shameful behaviour. On yet other occasions, she physically attempted to prevent me from leaving the house, either by blocking access to the door or by grabbing me.

This has been going on for months now. All along, I have made it clear to my wife that I just expect from her that she act toward me in a reasonably respectful manner, stop calling me names, yelling at me, ordering me around, or to invent some imaginary minute offense from me as an excuse to unleash her anger at me. While the request would seem easy enough to satisfy, all that I have obtained so far is either denial  or an aggravation of the abuse. Initially, my wife acted in a rather hostile manner towards me most of the time. Hostility eventually grew and then came the distortion campaign with neighbours, friends, and family. This took various forms. From straightforward complaints as to how difficult I was to live with, being overly depressed and anxious, or of psychological abuse from me, to not too subtle comments about “very bad” persons/behaviours while eyeing me in a very obvious manner, to looking at me as if I was the most bizarre person in the world in front of friends or family when I was in the middle of a discussion with someone. Things have gotten much worse in the last few weeks, with my wife interfering systematically and very strongly (sometimes violently) with my contacts with my sons. This has gotten to a point where presently, I just need to open my mouth to start talking to one of my sons and there she comes, very loudly interrupting saying that I’m out of order, that what I have to say is irrelevant, that it’s not the right time to talk about this, that this is of no interest to my sons, or whatever. If I insist, she will interrupt again, louder, to eventually start yelling “la-la-la…” with her hands over her ears, take the children with her and lock themselves up in “the parent’s” bedroom (which has not been mine for a couple of months now!). And of course, she claims very loudly (at least so the children can hear) that this commotion is all my fault. This is all very damaging to my relationship with my sons. I have attempted to discuss these issues with my wife dozens of times, but she totally refuses to hear me. Basically, she completely denies her abusive behaviour (she does so with so much conviction that there is no doubt she believes herself; this is to a point where sometimes I will question my own sense of reality), and claims that I’m getting it all wrong and that this is because I am just too disturbed. To her, I am just mentally ill, and that settles the discussion.

Things have gotten even worse last Sunday. After yet another argument with my wife, I told her I would eat out for dinner and then left for a couple of hours. I returned home after dinner and my wife asked me to go and see my sons because they were sad that I had not eaten at home, which I did. While I was calmly discussing the issue with them, saying that I was sorry that I made them sad, but I just needed to go out and have some air, my wife arrived, meddled in the discussion and mixed everything up, then acted like she was very angry with me (I totally fail to understand why this is so) and finally told me that I had to go out for a while otherwise she would call the police. She had done this once before over an argument we had (but we were just talking!). Totally overwhelmed by how bad things were going and how fast this was all degrading, I just got ready to leave, with my wife menacing me about all the bad things she could say about me to the police. And just then, as if someone had flipped a switch, she put the phone down and started “Don’t go, we all love you, I need you, just let me take you in my arms…”, which she did, even though I asked her not to touch me. She grabbed at me for a while and eventually let me go, which allowed me to leave the house. I returned home about an hour later, completely devastated, and my wife repeated her “I love you” scenario while I was asking her to just leave me alone. This scene stopped when I let myself slip down to floor and that she was no longer able to hold onto me. The following morning, while I was badly distressed, my wife just acted as if nothing had happened.

All this craziness is badly affecting my psychological condition and I will not be able to stand it much longer. The same is true for my sons, who find all this circus unbearable and with the older one now on his way to failing a couple of classes. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past year and a half (which was preceded by another one for about eight years, and by yet another one for three or four years) to help me get over the burnout, the depression, and just manage daily life in hell. I saw him yesterday, and he was extremely worried about the latest developments, saying he feared for the children and about eventual domestic violence (my wife has been physically violent with me on several occasions, with the worst turnout being a couple-inch cut on the scalp from a flying drinking glass – never reported, needless to say). I could only agree with him. He suggested that I leave the house, at least for a while. I am very reluctant to do that for many different reasons. I have trouble figuring out where I could go, I don’t have the money, I don’t want to be away from children, leaving would seem like an admission that I am the faulty party. As I am considering divorce, in my sense, that would count as a very bad start to the procedures, which seem already very tough to begin with when your spouse is BPD (I have started reading “Splitting”, and so far this all looks like a very scary enterprise).

I’m trying to find help wherever I can and I will warmly welcome good counsel regarding my situation. Thank you.

[joeramabeme]

Greg R

Welcome to BPD family!  From reading through your first post here, I am confident saying that you have found a great group of people that can relate and help out.

First, Amen! - You found the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.  The first time I read it I thought this book could have been a biographical about my marriage. 

This is a colorful vignette about your marriage;
All along, I have made it clear to my wife that I just expect from her that she act toward me in a reasonably respectful manner, stop calling me names, yelling at me, ordering me around, or to invent some imaginary minute offense from me as an excuse to unleash her anger at me. While the request would seem easy enough to satisfy, all that I have obtained so far is either denial  or an aggravation of the abuse.

Keep in mind that your wife is telling you about her feelings.  For a pwBPD: Feelings = Facts.  Try and listen and be patient and address the feelings of her statements.  Their facts are often exaggerations meant to communicate what is going on inside of them.

Sounds like you are still living together and starting the process of considering leaving?  This site has a board for folks that are conflicted and still in the process of sorting out: Deciding Board


Here is some particular advice; I would recommend two things.  First, read all that you can about BPD on this site and other resources in the suggested reading and Lessons sections.  Knowledge is one of your best friends.

Given that you are still together, pay particular attention about communicating with someone that has BPD (in the Lessons section).  There are particular techniques for communicating.  For example; JADE - Do not Justify, get Angry, Defend, overly Explain yourself.

JRB