Helping with the Push

[Oncebitten]

I know that when a pwBPD pushes you away it is because some deep seeded fear (in this case abandonment) has been triggered.  I even know what the trigger is in this situation and there is no way to avoid itm. Does anyone have any techniques or advice for helping them through this time.  I my situation I cannot be right there in the room to aid in this.  How do I help ease the stress from far away.  Especially when my pwBPD tells me in the moment they dont want to talk to me.

Do I do what I can and act as if nothing is wrong?

Do I simply wait for those emotions to stabilize and them to reach out to me?

How can I help them through this storm of emotions when all I can do is call... .and they dont want to talk right now?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

Oncebitten,

A pwBPD has a need to be chased. This is especially true when fear of abandonment kicks in.

When W refuses to talk, I walk away and ignore her. She then follows me around wanting to talk.

When she threatens to leave, I do not stop her. She either finds a reason to stay or leaves and returns shortly. The other day, she said she was leaving forever. I did not try to stop her and she came back 35 minutes later.

You said your partner has abandonment fears. These fears are greatly eased by being chased by someone, specifically you. By refusing to talk, your partner is keeping you in the position of trying over and over, providing a constant stream of relief from the abandonment fears.

If you stop chasing, you are no longer providing what your partner wants. Tables are turned and now the pwBPD will be calling you in order to get it back.             

I don't know your pwBPD, but this works on mine.

[Oncebitten]

cole

doesn't this just make the fear worse?

I know she is upset and I want to talk to her and make it better not worse.

[Cole]

If she does not want to talk, you cannot make her. She has to want to talk. There is really nothing to lose.

Turn the tables. If someone you want attention from is calling you, you love it. And if you know refusing to talk will cause them to try even harder, then you will refuse to talk. But if they stop calling, what will your reaction be? Would you then reach out to them?

[Oncebitten]

I have always reached out to her... .

[Oncebitten]

what do you do when they walk out?  No explanation no answer simply hate and vile directed in your direction and goodbye

[patientandclear]

Once--have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline & Narcissist?  Well worth the time.  The general gist is that the role of the partner needs to rise above these simple calculations of what will cause the other person to temporarily behave in a more desirable way.  That, ultimately, is more or less manipulation.  Instead, the book focuses on clarifying your values and boundaries, clear and warm communication about them, and letting go of the outcome.

Your anguish seems to do with being very hopeful/unhappy about the immediate outcome.  That's a recipe for unhappiness in a relationship like this.

[Oncebitten]

PNC

Yes I hope for a certain outcome... .when she takes away that possibility I become unhappy.  I know in reality I did nothing wrong... .its her fear of engulfment causing her to push me away.  Thats why she can't/won't site a specific example of what I did wrong.  Thats why she is so vague this time.  Id rather it be something I acctually did.  Id have an easier time if it were I dont want to talk to you or Im done b/c you did this... .but thats not the case.   Pushed away and walked out on because she cant manage her emotions or talk to me about them.

[Notwendy]

Hi OB,

I know this is difficult, but it isn't our place to manage someone else's feelings. As Patientandclear said- doing this with a specific outcome in mind ( getting together with her) is a form of manipulation. You want it your way- with her, and when she is in push phase- your goal is to help her through this so you can be together.

She may have BPD, but she is an adult, with her own choices ( and consequences of them) and assuming your desired outcome is the right one for her, takes away her autonomy. Also, when we manage someone else's feelings- we take away their opportunity to learn to manage them, which is an important skill.

I had this idea pointed out to me in co-dependency work- one thing we are doing when we manage someone else's "push" phase is actually managing our own fears- that the relationship will end, the person might decide to end it. It's our fear of abandonment that drives us to manage theirs.

The "push" action is a form of taking control of the situation, due to any possible feelings. When we partners feel the fear- we try to take control by trying to figure out what that feeling may be and trying to fix or manage it. But the reality is- if a person is withdrawing- they are in control of that.

It is scary, uncomfortable, but those are our feelings to manage.  Stepping up the self care helps- doing something you enjoy with the time, taking care of yourself in ways that feel nurturing to you. Being non -reactive " honey, I care about you and when you are ready to talk, I am here" and then, let it go. It's scary. She could choose to stay or to end the relationship, but anyone can, at any time- and we have to learn to manage our own fears about that.

[Oncebitten]

Notwendy

I know you are right.  I guess my question should have been... .what do I need to do for me during the push?  Its not that I want to manipulate her, its I just hate the idea of her walking out when she is disregulated.  Its upsetting to think about the r/s ending but especially when she is overwhelmed with neg emotions. 

[Notwendy]

OB,

The ST was especially hard for me as it was one of my BPD mother's way of punishing me. It was terrifying as a small child to have mommy go into her room, lock the door, and tell me it was because I was "bad". I used to cry outside that locked door.

The ST was also a tactic used by my H.  I couldn't stand it. It seemed unbearable. During one particularly tough episode, I called my (12 step codependency) sponsor frequently and she helped me to manage my own feelings - part  by the present, but surely a result of my childhood fears as well.

Self care is the key for me. It was very tough to deal with. Sometimes this meant spending a Saturday in my favorite bookstore- yes, I was scared and unhappy, but it is a place that makes me happy. Taking a hike, buying a favorite restaurant meal just for me. I had spent most of my time focused on how my H was feeling- how to make my marriage better. In actuality, I had neglected a most important relationship- with me. I didn't even know what I liked or wanted to do- I did what he wanted.

It felt odd, weird and awkward to make friends with "me". But by taking the focus off my H's moods and learning that I could manage these episodes, they bothered me less. Because I didn't reinforce them by pleading, begging, trying to fix- they occur less often.

Of course, we have to remember that every person has a choice. A partner can choose to stay in this new situation or not. We have to manage our fear of that too.

[Oncebitten]

NW

I am at a loss right now.  The push has gone beyond silent treatment.  She has walked out of my life.  She has done this before, so I am not sure if this is it or just another episode.  I do know that I hate it, I hate the not knowing, not being able to reach her and just talk to her.   She gets angry and then everything seems so rash... .all designed to show me her anger.  But she never thinks about the long term effects, what if this is the last time. what if she doesn't come back, what if I don't want her back?  I love her truly do, but I am so tired of this dynamic.  Its beyond childish, its exhausting.  Sometimes I think I need to learn to live without her. 

[Notwendy]

You can learn to live without her. It could be win win. Imagine if you knew you could be happy- with or without her. If she chose to come back- you would have that choice too.

Caring about someone is vulnerable. That person can choose to reject or be with you. Being happy with or without someone doesn't mean not feeling for them, or not wanting to be with them, but if we can be happy on our own- that is a confidence we bring into a relationship.

I think people decide to move forward on their own time. Consider what is holding you back. Is you being unhappy going to bring her back? I know this isn't easy, but with support- either counseling, 12 steps, friends, and self care, it is possible to learn to be happier on your own.

This is the improving board- so this isn't about breaking a relationship. It's about being good to yourself- that relationship is there no matter what.

[Oncebitten]

NW

thank you for your support and kind words .  I was happy before I met her... .at least happy enough to get through the day. Just lost without her... .it ended so abruptly... .it has left me lost and feeling completely alone

[Notwendy]

I know the feeling. For me it took counseling. Posting here helps, but in addition, I had to be able to share my thoughts with someone. Call it what you want- grief counseling, recovery, depression, adjusting to change - but getting one's sense of self can be done in or out of a relationship.

It was a counselor who suggested a 12 step group for co-dependency to me. I was actually horrified at the idea. I thought they were just for people with issues with substance abuse and that was not a concern. I was terrified to walk into the group, get a sponsor, call someone for support but at the time, I was willing to do whatever the counselor said to do. It does help with loneliness- to be in a group of people and the sponsor is a closer relationship. I had to learn to trust her- something I don't do easily.

But whatever works best for you to help you get back to who you are is worth a try- counseling, joining a club, gym, church, 12 steps, other support groups- to be with other people and get support.

However, resist any temptation to get romantic with someone too quickly out of loneliness. I think it is important to keep in mind that a relationship might feel good at the moment, but the hurt and loneliness is what is motivating one to do personal change.

[Cole]

Notwendy

I know you are right.  I guess my question should have been... .what do I need to do for me during the push?  Its not that I want to manipulate her, its I just hate the idea of her walking out when she is disregulated.  Its upsetting to think about the r/s ending but especially when she is overwhelmed with neg emotions. 

What you need to do is take care of yourself. Don't continue to call and be rejected. She knows how to get hold of you. Either she will react to you stopping the chase by calling you or she will not. Either way, you are no longer jumping through her hoops and you are in control of your actions, not her. 

[Jessica84]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. We have all been thru these dreaded push phases and silent treatments. They often come out of nowhere. It seems so punitive and unfair - whether that's their intent or not. Try not to take it personally. Especially since you know you did nothing wrong. She may have some strong emotions to deal with - and those belong to her, however painful it may be for you to sit back and wait her out, thinking there is something more you can do for her.

I take the silent periods as an opportunity to rebalance myself. We can easily get swept into their chaos and lose our bearings. In this way, his "disappearing acts" turn into "gifts" to me... .even if they were designed it punish me. I work at staying centered when we are together, but admit it is not always easy. When all my validation attempts fail and he dys-regulates or pushes no matter what I say or do, I pull back... and I wait... .

Some advise us to sit with our feelings during these times. That may be helpful advice, but it doesn't work so well for me. I tend to go the opposite direction - distracting myself from thoughts of him, our r/s, or whatever the latest "crisis" -- staying busy, eating healthy, plunging into work or a hobby, etc. Distraction keeps me from ruminating and replaying our last conversations in my head, trying to make sense of it. I'll never find the logic anyway so looking for it only makes my head spin. Clarity comes when I stop thinking about it. Confusion comes when I overthink it. I also take comfort in knowing that whatever caused the latest push will blow over... .eventually.  So I try not to lament, dwell, ruminate or suffer unnecessarily. If reading a book, shopping, watching a good movie or calling a friend takes my mind off it, that's exactly what I do! The problem usually vanishes all on its own anyway, in due time.

When she has taken the time to deal with her emotions she will likely contact you again. May even pretend it never happened. Unfortunately, there is nothing we do can do to rush their process. When/if she does return, make sure you are healthy and ready to move forward. You don't want to be a train wreck, desperate, overly happy or apologetic, or feeling the need to rehash old issues. You will want to be strong, solid, content. So for now, focus on YOU and how you can restore some peace in your life.

[Artemis_bpd]

Please allow me to share my experiences and hope it will help. I have been in this push and pull scenario many times with my uBPDp. The latest which I am still now in, is the worst - because it was combined with splitting and double bind. So far I am surviving and things are getting better (cross my fingers, because you never know with a pBPD).

First , I have observed that the push and pull is a pattern. In your case, when she pushed in the past, did she return? On her own or aided by you? In my case, he came back, many times on his own. My general rule is, I let him be.

Second, about the fear of abandonment. I can only share my case, we got so very close, his defenses went down, and his neediness and fear of abandonment showed. I was gone for half a day, and he comes pleading for me not to leave. My leaving was All in his imagination... .That was the trigger for this major push pull, splitting. And double bind we are now in. It triggered an emotional storm... .After that I was pushed away and shut off and painted black.

I do not chase, I want him to have accountability for his actions and come back on his own. I do not want him to blame me in the future and tell me that the only reason he returned was that I forced him to.

But that does not mean that I also cut him off. Yes, he also does not want to talk to me. Once I thought he was already ok, and I talked in a jolly way, it resulted in a major push away. So what I do when I know he is in an emotional storm or is recovering from it is I just leave short positive messages daily that I am here and I have not left him behind. Then I let him be, he has the freedom if he will respond or not. Most of the time, the pBPD do not respond, do not take this personally. Sometimes they do respond a little, when they do,  try not jump the gun and come rushing back or it will spook them and they will run away as fast as they could. So we have to start from zero again.

It is striking a balance between their fear of abandonment and their fear of getting very close. Both emotional cases are fearful to them, both cases I have learned pushes a trigger from a deep wound In The past. So be patient. It helps to know it is not about you.

Me and my pBPDP has been at this push-Pull cycle for two weeks now. Starting with an intense emotional reaction when he got triggered... .he is now gradually coming back... .Responding to a positive message of mine... .I can see he is still afraid, so I just let him be at his own pace. I just let him know I am just here, his fear of abandonment I can feel is dimishing, and his fear of over closeness is alleviated by the fact that I let him be at a safe distance. I know this time the cycle may be much longer than before because it was a major trigger that I pushed, I can tell this from his very extreme emotional reaction that I pushed a major one.

I hope that by sharing of my current situation helped somewhat. We have to be strong, know our own fears, be able to detach, be supportive at the same time. It is a great challenge and I pray for all of us partners of our pBPD to be strong enough to see this through.