"You've got to fix this"

[5min]

So I hear "you've got to fix this" among other phrases a lot. What is it that I am to fix? Compounding the problem is that I avoid conflict and generally don't talk. That's another thing. What is this need for me to talk? And about what?

Thanks for yor thoughts,

5min

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hisaccount]

I got that a lot, you need to fix this. I didn't do anything wrong.

It sucks because it takes two to break or fix something.

She is probably telling you but we are often not equipped to hear what they are saying.

In on of my instances it was her believing I forgot her birthday. So I get a birthday present so in her mind she can check that box off that says he must love me because he got me a birthday present.

Most people could move past something like a birthday present but not my ex. Those where her benchmarks, gifts on hallmark holidays and if it wasn't good enough then it didn't count.

[livednlearned]

Hm. Makes me wonder if she has to preserve herself as victim even in the face of evidence that she is abusing you (pretty badly, I might add). Plus, her feelings are out of control. Many people with BPD need the people around them to provide control with boundaries. Because there is physical abuse present, that might mean removing yourself physically when she begins to escalate.

And likely she wants you to validate how she feels before she dysregulates. Once she is off and running, it's often too late for validation. People with BPD tend to have an almost bottomless well of need for validation. Not talking and avoiding conflict may trigger her to escalate her behavior so that she can see you react at her level of emotional intensity (initially internal, then pushed out externally as rage). This is a very primitive way of getting validation -- for example: "see, he is finally feeling what I feel." It's like getting rid of bad feelings by passing them onto someone else, and blaming them for it 

[BowlOfPetunias]

I avoid conflict and generally don't talk. That's another thing. What is this need for me to talk? And about what?

I have a very NPD mother-in-law.  One of the main complaints she has against me is that I am "rude" because I don't talk enough.  Nevermind that she is being rude by cutting me off whenever I try to talk.  When I have tried to explain to her why I am not talkative, her response was "I don't want to hear any of that crap."

I generally try to avoid conflict--at least personal conflict.  My NPD mother-in-law used to always put my wife down in front of me.  I felt it was not my place to challenge her parents, but my wife kept insisting that I do just that.  (She also asked me why I didn't confront a group of skinheads wearing Benito Mussolini T-shirts in the NYC subway at night!)  I finally did as my wife asked when her mother kept going on and on about how us having a cat was an insult to the rest of the family and that we should get rid of her.  That was a huge blowup--in fact, where most of this came out into the open (including the "crap" quote above.)

Here's a great topic of conversation my mother-in-law offered to "make conversation" while we were alone at a restaurant.  "So, why don't you like fish?"  I answered that I just didn't like fish.  Not good enough, of course.  So I was being rude again.  (Years later I was able to figure out what exactly bothered me about seafood--it tastes rotten even when it is fresh.  Also, my NPD grandmother used to force it on me.  But still, you don't need to justify why you just don't like a type of food!)

[Lockjaw]

I think with a BP it takes one to break it, (them) and one to fix it (us).

But that is just me... .