Lose, Lose

[Depression = 72% of members]

Do you ever feel like there's no right answer?

• If I stay across the country, I'm building a new life that doesn't have my exstep-son in it much... .that's horrible.
• If I move back, seeing him most likely would not be consistent. ExBPDw likely would manipulate/make me feel extremely stressed.

I can't pick a path and it is killing me.

Move back = HUGE amount of stress/would feel like she has control over me again.
Stay here = extreme guilt and sadness from not seeing my exstep-son. Feeling like I failed him nonstop.

This dilemma has been causing me to remain in the air! I just can't decide if I should plant myself where I'm at or move back. Ugh.

Does anyone feel like telling me how to make a decision?

[thrownforaloop]

Do you ever feel like there's no right answer?

• If I stay across the country, I'm building a new life that doesn't have my exstep-son in it much... .that's horrible.
• If I move back, seeing him most likely would not be consistent. ExBPDw likely would manipulate/make me feel extremely stressed.

I can't pick a path and it is killing me.

Move back = HUGE amount of stress/would feel like she has control over me again.
Stay here = extreme guilt and sadness from not seeing my exstep-son. Feeling like I failed him nonstop.

This dilemma has been causing me to remain in the air! I just can't decide if I should plant myself where I'm at or move back. Ugh.

Does anyone feel like telling me how to make a decision?

[rfriesen]

Hi thrown,

That sounds like an awful predicament to be in. I can only imagine how torn you must feel.

How close were you with your ex-step-son? How would the relationship work if you did move back? You say that your ex would likely manipulate the situation and you might not see your  ex-step-son consistently. Are there ways you could work out an arrangement with your ex? How likely is she to stick with one if you do? And if you believe the situation will involve a "HUGE" amount of stress and manipulation, will it be healthy for your ex-step-son?

I know you know no one can make the decision for you. And it sounds like there is no good answer. The best you can do is be clear with yourself on what you would be hoping to accomplish in either scenario, how much of that would be feasible, and then embracing the path that seems right (or least wrong) to you.

[thrownforaloop]

Hi rfriesen,

Thanks for responding. To answer you, I was very close to my ex-step-son. The bio dad was never in the picture and he started calling me 'dad' after a couple years... .he still does when I talk to him over the phone or email. I'm really not sure how it'd work if I did move back. My exBPDw is unpredictable and changes her mind frequently. Even if we did work out an arrangement, it probably wouldn't last for long.

I wish I knew what was best for my exstep-son. I don't want him to feel abandoned... .but I also don't want to confuse things. The two of them are already living with her boyfriend... .I don't know if she's pushing for him to be his new father figure or what. Would me moving back ruin the potential for him to have a full family unit?

I don't know. The more I think about it... .the less I feel I know.