My Sister is BPD

[riverratnita]

Hi,
I amhur new here... I just need some advice with my sister. My sister has isolated everyone out of her life... .Her kids and grandkids are not speaking or she cannot see... .I really have a hard time making boundaries... .Its all about her and she says she has done nothing wrong... .of course her moods are all over the place. I have been hurt with her on many occasions... When I don't agree with her she  no longer wants to talk or hangs up on me. I so want to tell her how I feel but don't want to send her in suicide mood... .just want some tools how to work with her... .thank you so much for listening... hope to here from you... .
hurt sister,
Nita

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Riverratnita:  

I'm sorry about the situation with your sister.  I have an sister with BPD traits and I've had the same experience with her hanging up the phone, because she gets angry over some silly thing.  I've even had the experience of her starting an argument, when there wasn't one to be had (I agreed with her, but she started arguing and wouldn't let me get a word in)

Unfortunately, we can't change others, only the way we interact and react.  Using validation can be very useful (or minimally, don't invalidate). Validation isn't about agreeing with someone, but acknowledging their feelings.  Certain communication skills can be helpful as well. If you click on the links below, it will take you to tutorials/articles.

VALIDATION

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

SETTING  BOUNDARIES

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Has your sister ever been treated for mental illness/disorder, with perhaps meds and/or therapy?  Feel free to offer some examples of the boundary problems or communication problems and ask for input from others.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Riverratnita
It  can be very challenging dealing with a loved one with BPD, so I’m glad you have found this website.

The communication tools NN has given links too are tried and tested so I’d second those. But don’t forget to show some consideration for yourself in all this. How do you think you have been effected by all of this ?

[Janneke]

I am also a sibling of a BPD sufferer.
I am really good at setting boundaries. One of the phrases I use is "Please treat me respectfully" or "I don't like being treated that way." "I feel" is a good way to start.

I had a success with those phrases this morning :-) I had asked if sib knew where his phone charger was. He got really reactive for no reason, and I said "please treat me respectfully. My phone charger is burried in my luggage, and I was just wondering if I could borrow yours." Sib stormed off... .and I expected him not to come back... .but he did! With phone charger!

What I learned from the interaction was I should have led with "I was wondering if I could please borrow your phone charger" - leading directly with what I want might have avoided the reactive part.