Hello - new here - counselor strongly believes my spouse has BPD - Help Please

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello my counselor strongly believes my spouse has BPD based on the interactions I have with her, the types of fights, her skipping nights of sleep, and everything else.

the fights are unbearable, I suffer physical violence, but the good times are good.

we have two young children at 3 and 5.

I am coming out of thinking it was me as the root of all of this and starting to realize I really can trust my memories and judgement and realize that when she starts on a rant, that it is just that, a rant. 

However I do not know how long I can do this for.

Am I alone with this?

[Mecaco]

Hello my counselor strongly believes my spouse has BPD based on the interactions I have with her, the types of fights, her skipping nights of sleep, and everything else.

the fights are unbearable, I suffer physical violence, but the good times are good.

we have two young children at 3 and 5.

I am coming out of thinking it was me as the root of all of this and starting to realize I really can trust my memories and judgement and realize that when she starts on a rant, that it is just that, a rant. 

However I do not know how long I can do this for.

Am I alone with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

You are not alone... .

There are many here living with a BPD partner. There are skills you can learn to help your interactions with your wife - to help her be calm. These skills will ease your suffering and hopefully make things bearable.

Simple conversation is a great starting point. Validation is a way to talk with her that will help her be calm. Read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Tell us more about the violence. (It is not OK and probably needs to be looked at... .)

[Mecaco]

thank you for your reply!  I am getting ready to head out now from work but the violence -

ranges from spitting to hitting with open hands / fists, kick / punches to the groin, thrown objects, hit with objects - my injuries have ranged from a broken nose, to cuts, bruises.  I have never ever hit her back and I know it is not ok to be hit like this.

I have called the police once and gotten orders of protection twice.

each time, it is turned around that I caused it and that if I complain I am just seeking sympathy and am trying to make her look bad.

I am currently working on learning to not participate in arguments and walking away if / when I can.

I have a lot to learn but I am starting to see a glimmer of hope as I learn more.

[ArleighBurke]

I am currently working on learning to not participate in arguments and walking away if / when I can.

That's a good start, but the next step has to be participating with Validation.

I really want to comment on the violence but I have no experience in that area. It's great that you don't fight back. Perhaps you also need to read up on Boundaries. What is the result of her being violent? Do you stay to calm her, do you leave?

[Mecaco]

how do I respond to the violence?  typically by cowering like a child, crying, pleading with her to stop;  either that or responding with angry comments and leaving for a hotel.  Its embarrassing.  I am 50 years old.

In the past month I feel like I have made some breakthroughs with counseling work and I think I am now much more of the mind to ask her to stop once and then telling her that I will be stepping out for a couple of hours and will return when things have cooled down. 

Boundaries - I have started working on those as well. 

Part of rabbit hole I had fallen into was somehow this was all normal and I justified her stance in the end.  I am learning to remember to trust my own memory, my own instinct and my own decisions.  again, embarrassing.

my last counseling session however really opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself and my kids.