NPD/ BPD can't accept fault.wh

[bus boy]

What drives the personality disordered in a mental capacity? When I was married Xw had a miscarriage, she blamed it on me. Several months ago I posted that Xw was blaming s10's cavities on me. At that point in s10's he never spent enough time with me to get cavities, none the less I got a belittling text stating it was my fault. Fast forward to now, most access I've ever had, s10 goes to dentist last week, no cavities. I didn't get a text saying s10 got a good report from the dentist. I can go on with many examples of blame but it know we all get the point of my post.

[fromheeltoheal]

What drives the personality disordered in a mental capacity?

You've been around for a while bus boy and you know the answer; why do borderlines need to blame other people?  And bigger, why do we all do that to some extent some of the time?

[Curiously1]

What drives the personality disordered in a mental capacity? When I was married Xw had a miscarriage, she blamed it on me. Several months ago I posted that Xw was blaming s10's cavities on me. At that point in s10's he never spent enough time with me to get cavities, none the less I got a belittling text stating it was my fault. Fast forward to now, most access I've ever had, s10 goes to dentist last week, no cavities. I didn't get a text saying s10 got a good report from the dentist. I can go on with many examples of blame but it know we all get the point of my post.

It feels better to blame somebody else. It puts 0 responsibility onto ourselves and to just unload all the bad stuff onto somebody else. It's a lot easier. It is stress releasing. Sometimes seeing other people stressed out and just as upset makes people feel better too. It's best if you suffer too.

[Warcleods]

Lack of accountability, especially when it comes to non pleasurable events / issues is a human trait and not specific to people with BPD.  Balanced people do it, unbalanced people do it and it's easier to scapegoat than to deal with the uncomfortable emotions or consequences of a particular event.  I have learned that the lack of accountability is destructive to my ability to learn from my mistakes.  If I don't acknowledge my mistakes and find different ways to handle situations.  In essence, when I allow someone or something else to take responsibility for my actions, I am nothing more than a coward.  That's pretty damaging to integrity.

[bus boy]

I work on being accountable for my actions. I have never let someone take responsibility for my mistakes. I use to drink. Maybe I can't accept the fact drinking helped end my marriage. Xw was very abusive and I haven't drank for years. To me Xw wife says I can thank my family for the failure of our marriage and other abusive things she could dig up. In court she says I was an alcoholic. I know I did everything in my power to save our marriage. Xw was dead set against councelling. I struggle with the drinking part of our marriage but she did so much horrific stuff but I still blame my self.

[JerryRG]

Hey bus boy, my ex texted me a few months ago and wanted to get together to discuss our sons health issues, she said his health issues were very serious. Our son is completely healthy with no issues other than a couple of allergies.

I have no idea what she was talking about, just pulls things out of the air and makes them real.

[Warcleods]

I work on being accountable for my actions. I have never let someone take responsibility for my mistakes. I use to drink. Maybe I can't accept the fact drinking helped end my marriage. Xw was very abusive and I haven't drank for years. To me Xw wife says I can thank my family for the failure of our marriage and other abusive things she could dig up. In court she says I was an alcoholic. I know I did everything in my power to save our marriage. Xw was dead set against councelling. I struggle with the drinking part of our marriage but she did so much horrific stuff but I still blame my self.

Drinking was a contributing factor in your behavior during your marriage, own it, accept it and if you're alcohol free now, then be proud of yourself.  Alcohol is a depressant and abusing it causes a host of other cognitive and physical issues.  Congrats that you stopped drinking, I am sure you feel better both physically and mentally.  Like many folks, your ex deflects from the issues and focuses on irrelevant topics. Topics not even related to what the issue actually is.  That's her way of not having to face the pain the actual issue may cause.  She also either does not see or denies that her behavior had any influence on the dissolve of the marriage.  That's not something you can force someone to see.  Only through insight and acceptance can one, identify, analyze and change a behavior that has been either self damaging or damaging to the relationship.  Your only responsibility right now is yourself.  The past is the past and you can only control what might happen in the future.  If you change nothing, then expect the same type of person with the same type of issues.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

Only through insight and acceptance can one, identify, analyze and change a behavior that has been either self damaging or damaging to the relationship

You mentioned that you tried to save your marriage because you took ownership of your actions. That being said, if your ex took ownership of her actions, maybe she could have worked on the marriage and disaster could be averted.

Is this angle that you're coming from? If she had stopped blaming, took ownership of her actions and did self work maybe the marriage could have been saved?

[bus boy]

Yes Mutt. That's what I was getting at. I drank but was very willing to talk about it and change it. I wasn't drinking the grocery money, I wasn't in any denial, I talked to Xw about quitting drinking, she wasn't going out of her mind over my drinking. Xw was always telling me I had to change, I'm not changing fast enough, change this, change that, constantly abusing my family to me. Telling me how every one hates me, hates my family, calling my family drunks and thieves, just a daily horrible bashing. I tried so hard to get her to see what she is doing, I figured if she came to councelling she would see what she is doing and I wanted to get councelling for my roll. Xw was horrible about it. After we married she was relentless I fell into an all time low depression and the harder I tried the harder she pushed against saving our marriage and the more I fell into depression the meaner she got.

[Duped 1]

Mine absolutely would not own any part of her behavior. It was ALL my fault. She tried a little earlier in the relationship but as time went on everything was my fault and she even told me so. We went to counseling and she folded her arms and said: "I cant see my part in any of this" and " I don't attack and I don't insult". I almost fell off of my chair. It was maddening. The counselor later told me it was obvious I came being honest and seeking to improve the relationship and she was only interested in pointing fingers and deflecting blame and that there was no way to improve approaching it that way. The few times the counselor pointed out that her behavior was insulting she would just discredit the counselor after the session and say that it was minor and the counselor was full of sh**. After one session she actually said that I deserved to be insulted in one situation.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

They say in AA that it takes someone to reach their rock bottom for them to change and everyone's rock bottom is different. That being said, hitting rock bottom is interchangeable with BPD. When family members / friends who were enabling a pwBPD start setting boundaries and a pwBPD has nobody left to enable them, a pwBPD may be forced to look at themselves and that could be the catalyst for change.

Maybe your ex hasn't hit her rock bottom?

[bus boy]

Xw is far from rock  bottom. She has her bf, family and co workers to enable her.

[Mutt]

It's hard losing a marriage. I'm sorry. I just know that I tried my best with what I knew at the time. My ex wife is who she is, I can't expect her to be something that she's not.

[Warcleods]

Busboy, she's teetering on the verge of rock bottom.  She hasn't cleaned up her own back yard before starting on the neighbors.  That's a tremendous amount of stress whether she realizes it or not.  Give it some time and you'll see.  In the meantime treat yourself well, responsibly, and always know it's ok to be sad.

[bus boy]

Thank you, I feel sad tonight. I feel very different lately. Maybe it's a stage of my growth of my detaching. I thought I was detached. I am looking at me and doing lots of deep thinking. 3 years ago tomorrow I had major brain tumor surgery and almost died, maybe that's why. Xw said she hoped she would have the man back that she married. That was so cruel and heartless, those words cut deep, opened up new pain. When we were married in was suffering deep depression as a result of her emotional abuse, she said she didn't want to be married to me, said I made her kringe, treated me like a dog, I was suffering in such pain and my wife kicked me while I was down than several years down the road I have major brain surgery and she tells me she wanted the man that she married. What the ef is that? Where do I put that? She left when our son was 4 months old, now he's 10 years old. All those years of my life I gave to her, a puppy licking at her heels, humiliating my self, taking her emotional abuse, thrown some scraps of sex, turned my self inside out to prove my self and the whole time she had no intention of us being a family. Having her gone is best for me but I'm angry at the lost years. Maybe angry at me, hurt, confused.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was suffering in such pain and my wife kicked me while I was down than several years down the road I have major brain surgery and she tells me she wanted the man that she married. What the ef is that? Where do I put that?

Does it help to realize borderlines chase an unrealistic fantasy, you being her knight in shining armor originally, the perfect mate who would make her whole and complete, until you weren't, no one could be, because it is an unrealistic fantasy formulated by someone with a lack of emotional growth and a desperate need to attach?

She left when our son was 4 months old, now he's 10 years old. All those years of my life I gave to her, a puppy licking at her heels, humiliating my self, taking her emotional abuse, thrown some scraps of sex, turned my self inside out to prove my self and the whole time she had no intention of us being a family. Having her gone is best for me but I'm angry at the lost years. Maybe angry at me, hurt, confused.

Anger is good bus boy, and a normal response to abuse and disrespect.  So is sadness.  When we're in the relationship, enmeshed with someone with a mental illness, "walking on eggshells", it's common to get disconnected from our emotions, that was certainly true for me, but once we're out the unresolved emotions are still in there, and they come bubbling up and out, taking whatever path they can.  That's the good news really, once we feel those emotions all the way through we release them, the only way out is through, so maybe you're right where you're supposed to be.

And it's helpful while you're processing those emotions to also focus on the future, a bright future of your own design, so when you get down in the muck of processing all the crap you still have a guiding light, a beacon, to aim for so you don't lose your way.  And then, once you get through all of that, which you will, the clouds will part, it will be a bright, and you'll be right where you wanted to be.  What does that look like for you?

[bus boy]

Writing that last post helped me a lot,  got some stuff out, read it and did some processing. I am working towards a brighter future. I got so much good out of all the reply to my post.

[lovenature]

After we married she was relentless I fell into an all time low depression and the harder I tried the harder she pushed against saving our marriage and the more I fell into depression the meaner she got.

The closer you get, the more you are pushed away.
The more depressed we get and the tougher things become, the worse we are treated because a PWBPD can't handle the feelings it brings up for them; mature adults can show empathy and compassion to someone they love while that person is suffering.

If a PWBPD was to accept fault for something they would melt into a puddle of shame because of how they feel about themselves.

Focus on why you have tried to make it work with someone who treated you the way they did.

[Duped 1]

The more depressed we get and the tougher things become, the worse we are treated because a PWBPD can't handle the feelings it brings up for them; mature adults can show empathy and compassion to someone they love while that person is suffering.

If a PWBPD was to accept fault for something they would melt into a puddle of shame because of how they feel about themselves.

Wow does that hit home w me. She watched me deteriorate into deep depression over several months. Missing work, losing almost 20 pounds, losing interest in my hobbies and working out, and didn't show the slightest bit of empathy, concern, or compassion. In fact she treated me worse than normal and that's saying a lot.This is not comprehensible to me considering how much she claimed to care about me. I've never experienced anything like it. I started wondering if she was human as of course I would have been there for her.

[Duped 1]

Bus Boy you have really been through the ringer. I'm so sorry.  I feel terrible for you.

[bus boy]

Thank you.

[Mutt]

The more depressed we get and the tougher things become, the worse we are treated because a PWBPD can't handle the feelings it brings up for them; mature adults can show empathy and compassion to someone they love while that person is suffering.

Hmm. I agree with most of that and i'd like to add that it's well said.  I disagree that it takes a mature adult to show compassion and empathy though. I think what you're talking about is emotional immaturity and that is found with BPD but a pwBPD do have empathy and compassion.

You have a really good example here with depression. Depression is really hard, you lose interest in the things that you enjoy in life, you disconnect from loved ones, there's black and white thinking which causes suffering and you have you a lot of negative thoughts. That being said, there were days that felt so dark and it was really difficult to function. When i'm in a depressive mood like this, i'm in my own head and I have an incredibly difficult time with trying to think about others and what they need.  If you're on the receiving end of that, i'm not showing much empathy because i'm self absorbed?

With everything that's going on jternally with a pwBPD, is it because they're not mature adults or they can have a difficult time displaying it because of their internal  battles / struggles? That6 just my two cents.