The annual works Christmas night out argument

[ANewPlace30]

She doesn't want me to go. (Other women, , drinking, crowded, what if you go back to a house party?)

I feel it's a 'normal' part of life.

I don't want to back down because it's giving in to her fears and anxiety and not actually tackling it.

We actually had a several hour discussion about it where she almost went as far as accepting that she shouldn't feel like this and she doesn't want to feel like this.

I want her to go back and seek help from a T.

I even had the "I'll move out for the next week and go to my sisters" and "I may as well die!" Responses to me holding firm on going. At this I suggested if her viewpoint was that extreme in response to a night out she really needs to go back and talk to someone to find out why she feels as anxious as this all the time.

She didn't take the bait.

Any advice for the nightmare upcoming week?

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[jrharvey]

My girlfriend once flipped out because my work had a required day off to spend at a baseball game. There were accusations that I would go hook up with other women, get their number etc...

I actually tried to talk to my boss about not going but he told me that because I am a leader and looked up to I should not miss this. I just stayed firm with her that It was something I had to do and she had to learn to deal with her fear. Its incredible the things they think of. That instance was probably 8 months ago I think.

She has gotten a little better. Just yesterday I grabbed lunch with a guy friend and one of his guy friends. Her reaction was much much much better. She did tell me she was worried that the guy friend would secretly bring girls for me to meet or that the waitress would site beside me and try to flirt with me or something like that. In my entire life I have never had either of those happen but to her this is a real threat.

I did have to tell her that she was reverting back to being controlling which she promptly backed off and said she would understand if I went. She panicked a little while I was there. I know this wasn't the right thing to do but I sent her a video of the place and the friends I was with to help make her feel better. It probably helped a little but she also said there could be other people there with us that aren't in the video so there was still a bit of paranoia.

[jrharvey]

Personally I would advise going to the event. Can she not go with you? If so I would offer to have her come along. I would not advise letting her control you like that though. You are not doing anything wrong and she shouldn't be reinforced with this behavior.

[livednlearned]

Hi Andrew30,

Tough situation  

She accuses you of cheating, and you have a lot of female friends. This is a party she isn't invited too. It sounds ripe for conflict!

Having a several hour discussion about the topic seems pretty long given you have a line in the sand about this topic (potential cheating). She may be realizing that she can keep you engaged in the topic even if she can't change your mind (negative engagement).

From a few months ago:

I made it very clear to my wife that any further accusations of infadelity would result in me leaving her for good (and given I'd already moved out for a few days and ended our relationship - she believed this would happen). She has kept to this boundary ever since.

Are her conversations mainly focused on you cheating? If so, then it sounds like this boundary (more of an ultimatum, actually) has lost some of its teeth. That would compel her to keep working the topic over because the consequence is soft.

Setting all that aside, the thing that jumps out the most is the comment about her viewpoint being extreme. People with BPD tend to feel deeply inadequate, have a fundamentally hard time with trust, and struggle with executive control -- so pointing out that her views are wrong/extreme, that she is damaged, is only likely to make her feel even more like she is not good enough for you and you'll find someone else. Cycle continues.

Do you validate her feelings in these conversations? It's hard for lots of people when their partners have relationships with the opposite sex, or go to parties that they aren't invited to. Maybe in addition to validation, try SET skills (support, empathy, truth) and then be willing to reassure her (in limited ways) leading up to the event, and the ways in which you are willing to check in with her while at the event, if any.