Dealing with a BPD friend

[chakra4]

I have a friend I have known for about 5 years. We have had a lot of trouble getting along, and she recently let me know she was diagnosed with BPD. We have "broken up" a few times now. I lot of the time I wonder if I also have some form of BPD. I struggle with mental illness and symptoms that span many disorders. It's hard to gauge whether I am projecting or not. She asked me to not talk to her after I gave her the answer to when she asked how she has been abusive. I told her how I feel she has been abusive, and she told me I was mean and cruel and to never talk to her again. She told her she doesn't think I care for her well being. I'm afraid she will hurt herself alone. She gaslighted me, before she asked me to stop talking to her, and she accused me of gaslighting her.

I really just need someone to talk to about this. I love her and don't know how to deal with her when she becomes abusive.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 
Welcome Chakra4:
I'm sorry about the problems you are having.  Is your friend a romantic partner or just a platonic friend?

By using certain strategies and communication skills, we can make things better. We can't change others, but by changing the way we interact and react, we can get better results.

The link below will take you to an article about anger that could be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124720.0

I lot of the time I wonder if I also have some form of BPD. I struggle with mental illness and symptoms that span many disorders.

Most of us have some traits and periodic behaviors that can be symptoms of a mental illness/disorder. It's when a certain number of them are combined (or if there is an excessive degree of some), that a label is put on it.  What are some of the things you struggle with?  Have you ever sought an evaluation or therapy?  Many of us have reached out to a therapist, when we have trouble interacting with a disordered relative or someone special in our lives.  Generally, that can prove to be beneficial for us and our own personal issues.

She asked me to not talk to her after I gave her the answer to when she asked how she has been abusive.

Using certain communication strategies can lead to a better result, when you need to talk to someone about their behavior.  The links below, will take you to tutorials.  Basically, it is suggested that you phrase statements in a certain way, such as:   I feel ________,when ________happens.  (An example would be - “I feel very sad when I hear rude words because they hurt my feelings.)

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

She gaslighted me, before she asked me to stop talking to her, and she accused me of gaslighting her.

Can you share some examples of what you interpret as "gaslighting"?

[chakra4]

 

Is your friend a romantic partner or just a platonic friend?

Just a platonic friend.

What are some of the things you struggle with?  Have you ever sought an evaluation or therapy?

I struggle with a lot of things like OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety, Dissociation, Mild Psychosis, intrusive thoughts, abandonment issues, PTSD from early abuse, and self harm. I have has therapy off and mostly on for years. I benefit a lot from it, and am also on medications, which I have mixed feelings about but are helping me.

Can you share some examples of what you interpret as "gaslighting"?

We were chatting, and she started to try to convince me I wasn't making sense. I went back over my messages and they seemed completely coherent to me, and I have had trauma in the past with gaslighting, so I started to feel like she was gaslighting me. I told her this, that I thought she was gaslighting me, and she told me to get over myself, and that me saying she was gaslighting me was actually me gaslighting her.

Thank you so much for your reply. <3

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Chakra4

I have had therapy off and mostly on for years. I benefit a lot from it, and am also on medications, which I have mixed feelings about but are helping me.

I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself, by getting treatment and that therapy is beneficial.     Finding the right meds can be helpful.  I know some people let it bother them, but, actually, it isn't any different than taking meds for a physical issue like high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc.  Sometimes, it can take some trial and error to get the best meds for you, with minimal side effects.

Do you have some favorite healthy ways to chill out and destress?  The link below has some interesting options to consider:

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

We were chatting, and she started to try to convince me I wasn't making sense. I went back over my messages and they seemed completely coherent to me, and I have had trauma in the past with gaslighting, so I started to feel like she was gaslighting me. I told her this, that I thought she was gaslighting me, and she told me to get over myself, and that me saying she was gaslighting me was actually me gaslighting her.

You might find the suggestions within the thread below helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187629.0

There is a lot of helpful information on this website.  Feel free to ask more questions and share more about certain problems you want to manage better.  It can help you get advice or lead you to information for a better relationship with your friend.

[Grey Kitty]

I lot of the time I wonder if I also have some form of BPD.

There are a lot of bad behaviors associated with BPD. And many of them are things that normal or healthy people do too. But not to the same degree or in the same way. I'm not surprised that you see aspects of it in yourself.

The good news (for you!) is that if you did pick up a few of those behaviors, once you recognize that you are doing it, you should have a MUCH easier time stopping yourself, and correcting it.

I really just need someone to talk to about this. I love her and don't know how to deal with her when she becomes abusive.

My general response is to protect myself by removing myself from the abusive behavior when it starts.

That said, I find it more helpful to address a specific situation or conversation, than general broad principles. Can you pick a specific but typical example where she became abusive, so we can help you work out a better way to deal with a similar situation next time?