Another Holiday Topic. How to say NO?

[lm1109]

Hi! Let me start off by saying, I am very little contact with my BPD mom and dad. I have not physically seen them in a year! About a year ago my mom got off all her meds/antidepressants because she believed my Dad wanted her "drugged" so he could go out and "cheat!" (Who knows!) Since she stopped the meds she has been "sick" for a year straight! Her doctors refuse to give her antibiotics because there is nothing wrong with her. But because she is "sick" she has stayed away for a year, I didn't hate it, but my kids were very hurt. They asked me all the time and I have not known what to say because there are no words to explain this mental illness! At one point she promised to take them to a theme park and never did it! Now all of a sudden she tells me she will be at my house for xmas eve AND xmas! OOKK! Let me just say also, its not like she lives far, about 25 minutes away! They never even showed up for their Birthdays in a year and now we are supposed to pretend we have a relationship on Christmas in front of all of my In-Laws? My kids are supposed to pretend they weren't hurt or confused, because she decided it never happened now? She is delusional like this!  I don't know how to even handle this! On one hand I feel that even though there will be a lot of confusion, my children will be thrilled. On the other hand I want to tell them to F off! Its not fair these people cause me nothing but chaos and then expect me to share MY Holidays with MY family whenever they feel like it! My last Christmas was ruined by them, this is when the whole "cheating" scandal erupted and I had to finally tell them to stop calling me because it was so upsetting! I could go on and on forever! I know I will be made out to be horrible and this will be her new "dramatic devastation!" Do I allow it , hope for the best, for my kids? Or put my foot down and say no its not fair to ME? Have any of you handled this situation? How do you say no? I seem to JUST be coming to understanding that I am actually ALLOWED to say no, but its still really hard for me!

[VitaminC]

Hi there Im1109,

Yes, the holidays do throw up all kinds of situations for us to deal with, don't they?

First of all, I would like to support you and tell you that, yes, you are allowed to say no.  Because you are thinking of your children and how happy it would make them to see their grandparents, perhaps it's possible to reach some kind of compromise with regard to the Christmas festivities?

Would it be possible for you to put a limit around the time that they will spend? A simple explanation of 'we've already made plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinner, but why don't you join us on Boxing Day?' or just on Christmas Eve for a small repast? Whatever is traditional in your home, could perhaps be adapted slightly to allow a shorter visit?

It's obviously not going to be easy to get them to accept a boundary that you decide to put up, and it will be up to you to enforce it pleasantly and firmly, in so far as you can. I can certainly see that having them there for so much time, after a long time of not seeing them at all, is a recipe for a fraught gathering.

I am sure others will have suggestions that will be helpful.

[Panda39]

How about you tell her the truth (it doesn't have to be harsh or critical or start an argument), something like... .

I know you want to spend the holidays with us but I'm sorry since I haven't heard from you all year long. I just assumed you would have made other plans so we have made other plans for the holidays as well. I'm sorry we can't get together this year.

(If you want them to reconnect with you or the kids you could add) I would be happy to talk with you after the New Year about getting together at a later date I know the kids would like to see you both. (ask your kids first if they are interested in seeing them)

Try using a SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) Statement

Below are some links to more information on SET (communication)... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

You have every right to set boundaries around what goes on in your home and who has access to your children.  You have every right to say no.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Notwendy]

Saying no is difficult for those of us who were brought up not being allowed to do that. It is also difficult for people with co-dependent tendencies because we don't want to be the "bad guy"to the other person. Also it is scary because we expect the reaction will be unpleasant.


A while back my sibs and families attended a family event that didn't include my BPD mother. She didn't even like the family members who planned it, but the idea that she wasn't included and the fact that we were going to her meant we "were not on her side". We dreaded telling her, but figured she would find out and that would be really hurtful, and we didn't want to be hurtful.

We told her, and she was furious. Refused to speak to us for a while. But just as we have the choice- to say no to her- so does she have the choice to react as she chooses.

This is a long term learned behavior for both of us- our fear of her reaction and her ability to get her way by reacting- and so any change would take some time. The only hope for change is if her reaction looses its power. We have to not be afraid of it. Over time, if she sees that it won't work, then there is the possibility it can diminish.

I have had other occasions to say "no" to my mother. It isn't pleasant. But she has learned that I will say no if I mean it and I have learned that with practice, it doesn't feel so scary.

Your question may not be "how to say no" but "how to say no so she doesn't have a big reaction?"  I don't think there is an answer to that. She will react as she chooses. Your side of this is "How can I deal with the reaction?". With support of others- this board, a therapist if necessary, and your family- you can say no. It isn't kind to say yes when you mean no to someone- that isn't honest- to them or to you. Some times people may want to be inclusive for the sake of certain family events, but also you have the right to decide when and if to include her or not.

How to say no? Like the Nike ad says- "Just do it"

[Panda39]

Notwendy,

I wish there was a "Like" button on here!  You hit it the nail on the head 

Panda39

[Notwendy]

Thanks Panda39!