I am so hurt

[Skid80]

Hi My ex & I had a massive fight because she was behaving irrationally & was threatening & blackmailing me.  She threatened suicide so I did what I thought was the best way to handle the situation & called the police to take her to hospital. I decided to go no contact for a few weeks to let things calm down & so I could clear my head. But now I find out that she has moved on & got a new BF she says that they are taking it very slowly & that she never wants to see me again.  I only did this so she could see that if she keeps on doing what she was doinmg without getting help nothing will change. 
So she tells me that she is going to therapy now & working on herself & that she is happy. I am soo hurt all i intended to do was to let things calm down & giver both of us some space & in that time she has gotten into a new relationship. Anyone had a similar experience & if so did they come back & if hey did how long did it take them to come back?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Skid80-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that situation, it's very painful and confusing, although it's not unique around here, we've all been through or are going through something similar, we understand and you're not alone.

So it sounds like you would like her to come back but she's in a new relationship now, which was not your intention after the suicide attempt.  There's no way to know how long or if she will contact you, although borderlines need and value attachments more than anything, so if she's having a bad day or emotions she can't soothe you may pop up on her radar as a potential soother, and she may contact you to see if an emotional attachment is in place.  What you do if that happens depends on the goal; do you know what your goal is?

[Claycrusher]

Hi My ex & I had a massive fight because she was behaving irrationally & was threatening & blackmailing me.

Before you started dating, is this what you thought a romantic relationship should or would be and is this what you wanted it to be?

 

Anyone had a similar experience & if so did they come back & if hey did how long did it take them to come back?

If the answer to my prior question is "no," then why are you anxious to know when an irrational, threatening, blackmailer might re-enter your life?

[lovenature]

So she tells me that she is going to therapy now & working on herself & that she is happy.

ALWAYS go by their ACTIONS; a PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, only stands to reason that you can't trust anything they say.
The cycle always repeats; things are great with the new replacement until they get too close and devaluation begins, then it's move on to another replacement (or recycle an ex.).

[Skid80]

Hi

Thanks everyone for your replies,  Yeah I have goals that I want to accomplish. I am currently studying a diploma in counselling as a have a passion for helping others & think that this can help me to do that.  But the goal regarding me & my ex is for her to get better (she's currently doing DBT) & I want to support her with her journey & just be somone she can count on & someone who understands. I have done a lot of research & have read books like 'I hate you dont leave me' & have also gone through the DBT program & even done some of it myself. I dont know if her jumping into a new relationship so quickly is going to help her get better as I am pretty sure that she has a co dependency issue & I think that maybe i might too.  In a nutshell my goal was to help her to see that the type of behavior she has been displaying is not only hurting others but more importantly its hurting herself. I am trying really hard to be someone she can rely on & someone who can comfort her but now she's moved on too someone else I am left holding the candle & its burning at both ends. No  I didnt think that relationships should be like this but, I can't help how I feel about her, she has had a very rough upbringing & with a little bit of understanding & with the right treatment I know she can beat it, I have faith in her & the reason I want o be with her is that I can see that deep down she hates being like this & treating people the way she does, she has a good heart its just that she cant control her emotions & that I wanted to work on together, even if it means being manipulated, blackmailed & lied too.  I love her & always will. Maybe I might have a problem as well but if we can both help each other isnt that some that you would want to cherish?

[Skid80]

If I am to go by her actions, then I am still confused.  The other night we were texting each other & it was good, we had a few laughs & she sent me pics of her that i havent seen before, she's looking great.  She was happy to talk to me then, but the next day whe i attempted to initiate contact, she told me to stop texting her & that an ex bf (b4 me) also contacted her that night. She said she is happy with her new man & that i was trigging her by texting & asking to meet up.  So i left her alone after that.  Now she's blocked me from social media & wont talk to me anymore & doesnt want to see me. So i guess if i was to go off that i dont know what to think... I'm confused now, I know she still has feelings for me surely she couldnt just forget me just like that? We have gone through this before & the longest was 3 months apart.  Hopefully she comes back I miss her & want to be there for her, now that I understand her illness I feel bad for calling the police & for not helping her when i could of but I didn't know what to do, now I do I know I can be her rock when she needs me, I have become more understanding & knowedgable & know I can help her but I cant do it without her also helping herself 1st & sadly her moving into a new relationship as she has is only going to slow her down & wont help her to get better unless this new guy knows about her illness & how he can help & support her. 

[patientandclear]

You say you want to participate in a love relationship with her even if it means being manipulated and lied to.

You say it would be good if the two of you can help each other--but she does not seem to be helping you.

She has exes in the wings (another ex-bf just happened to reach out to her the same night you were talking to her).

You frame the reason the current situation is hard to swallow is that it is bad for her because she is not able to access your help.

I'm.listing those points out hoping reading them might jolt you into reconsidering whether you really want this to be the dynamic in your primary relationship. She is an adult making her choices. You aren't respecting them. You are also offering yourself up to be walked all over, rationalizing that in light of her tough background and emotional difficulties.

Can I suggest you read the e-book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist? I think it would be timely.

I know it's painful. My ex also dealt with me stepping back in what I thought was an appropriate and respectful way, by engaging an ex ... .That was so painful. I spent a long time believing he and I had something transcendent and he was just making strange choices, and looking for a way I could set things up so he'd make better ones that honored and protected our r/ship. So I get the impulse.

I did not grasp at the time how his decisions are largely driven by a feeling that he has to act in a certain way to survive. Protecting and honoring our r/ship was not even on his radar screen as a goal. Everything was about what would feel better for him. Our r/ship didn't always feel good (though objectively I would say in many ways it is quite a lovely and important r/ship to us both). It seems likely that past events now make it hard for her to see you as a source of unmitigated good feeling. She has alternatives that feel better for the moment, and despite some DBT, she is still choosing the more immediately comforting option. You need to be realistic that this is how BPD works.