Hating her is making it easier for me to move on.

[Indifferent28]

As the headline says, hating her is making it easier for me to move on.
She didn't treat me abusively when we dated, but all her behavior and not even second guessing her decision to leave me and her new persona has made all the love I had for her turn into pure hatred.

I know people say do not hate anyone, or that the hate will eat me alive, but no. I feel genuinely better hating her.
It's weird because when i try in life, nothing seems to go my way.
When i don't care about anything and really actually begin to hate whatever is making me sad, things fall into place (most of the time).

I don't know. I think at this point, i'd rather hate her. Yes, some days i do still realize i will always love her and i cry and miss her.
But most days lately, i am just filled with such rage for her that I can't imagine ever being okay with her talking to me again. I feel I'd just get so angry, where as I used to desire it. It still bothers me that she never reaches out, but if she did i would just be so angry.

Does anyone else feel like this?
I've heard other people say this before... .once you basically care about nothing, good things come to you.
You would think it would be opposite.

[thefinalrose]

I really wish that I could hate mine, but I can't. I've tried. I've gone to some pretty extreme lengths to try and make myself hate him, but I can't. I still love him, and I believe I always will, despite how he's treated me. I fluctuate between being hurt and angry with him, to something akin to pity for him, and all the time being so confused. But I don't hate him, no. One would think after how he's treated me that I should, but I don't... .

[Hisaccount]

That is how I had to describe it to my ex, I needed to time to heal, to fall out of love (which she claims I don't love her anyway) but I told her basically I need to hate her, then we will see if there is anything left after that.

This of course made her try to cling onto me. But it really is what has to happen, we have to lose interest in them.
anger can be a great motivator.

I am glad you are making it work.

[Indifferent28]

Thefinalrose, I felt that way too. but we are coming up at almost 2 years of being broken up and all i feel is hated at this point. Maybe you will get to this point too. I only wish that on you if you feel it will help you
 to move on.

Hisaccount, at least it got you to another stage in your life. even if it was by bad means through hatred. Im definitely feeling it.

Her family member deleted me off social media today and normally this type of action panics me or makes me sad. Nope didnt care. Thought about deleting that girl a while anyway but her family has slowly deleted me one by one. I deleted a few myself.

[tiggerzxc]

I would say I can really relate to hatred, persistant, intrusive hatred.

A book I found useful:

https://www.amazon.com/Forgiving-Unforgivable-Overcoming-Bitter-Intimate/dp/0020322305

The kicker is I never wanted to be a person who could one day feel this much hatred.  Every possible way I look to find reason and excuse the BPD malice has not diminished the hatred and I surely am a lesser person for this but that is the damage BPD can inflict on some of us sadly.

[Duped 1]

I go back and forth from hating her to missing her.  More hating her though. I hate the way she lied, how cold she was at the end, that she turned her family against me and played the poor victim, that she moved right on with another guy immediately after repeatedly saying that would never happen, how she saw me deteriorate with the worst depression of my life but showed absolutely no empathy, how she talked of being together forever just days  before being with my replacement and saying done forever, etc-you get the picture-a complete lack of integrity, honesty,not owning her behavior and absolute no conscience or empathy when she once idolized me. She is scum.

I know this isn't a good thing to say as a Christian but I do wish her ill will at this point.

[Tobiasfunke]

Yes. I totally get it. It's been about 20 months and I've been on the hate train for about ~15. The ruminating has lessened. I don't get overcome with spontaneous feelings of rage overcoming me like used to. I mean out of nowhere clinch the steering wheel so hard i could crush coal to diamonds rages. But it's still there right under the surface. I don't think I have said 2 minutes of conversation to her in about 12 months. I highly doubt I could look her in the eyes. I don't want to say the things to her that would come out. I'm terrified of what will replace the hate and anger when I let it go. I can guarantee it will not be rainbows and butterflies. Yoga and working out helps burn the anger and anxiety out. I guess the hate is what powers that. Whatever works for you.

[JerryRG]

I understand that hatred thing too, over last summer I was able to set my ex straight, I learned that using bounderies keeps us safe and helps us be who we really are. Emeshment with a pwBPD left me confused and desperate.

I told my ex several times that she didn't possess any qualities I would consider being friend worthy. Lying, manipulation, selfishness, lack of empathy, abuse, sarcasm... .no, there was nothing attractive about her after the fog cleared a little and I began to see her as she really is.

I've always wanted to tell her that I wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire, I didn't because it's wrong to be deliberately mean. Unlike her narcissistic behavior

But the anger and hatred can be very real, mostly at myself for giving her one precious hour out of my life. She isn't worth my love or attention. One sick, cruel lady.

[Duped 1]

I told my ex several times that she didn't possess any qualities I would consider being friend worthy. Lying, manipulation, selfishness, lack of empathy, abuse, sarcasm... .no, there was nothing attractive about her after the fog cleared a little and I began to see her as she really is.

Isnt that the truth. I told mine I had never seen such cold heartedness and hatred in all my years.

[seeperplexed]

No matter how I try, I cannot hate her. I can't even really feel anger towards her, it's gutting. 3 months out and I mostly just feel deflated and trampled on. Occasionally I miss her, but I never really feel anger or hatred.

[FallBack!Monster]

No matter how I try, I cannot hate her. I can't even really feel anger towards her, it's gutting. 3 months out and I mostly just feel deflated and trampled on. Occasionally I miss her, but I never really feel anger or hatred.

I almost never (anymore) feel anger towards my ex. I do feel anger but unsure of its direction. could be do to narcissist traits. Not NPD. I think I'm angry Im currently not able to control"my thoughts". But no need to hate or be angry. Gone with the wind.

[oshinko maki]

As the headline says, hating her is making it easier for me to move on.
 (cut)
Does anyone else feel like this?

I have hated the BPD wife living with me more deeply and longer than I can admit (particularly for the negligence and maltreatment of my son, which I unwisely use as fuel to justify my hatred), but you must also notice that you are more correct and healthy to cultivate an attitude of simply recognizing her as dangerous and acting appropriately. And when that fails notice how the hate often leads to back pain or a headache or other health issue, and how it leads to negative or destructive thinking.
Just my experience, and although I still dig myself into unpleasant holes of feeling hatred for her on a regular basis, I know that for me it feels better to try to let the hatred go as much as possible and just recognize the many, nearly endless dangers she presents.
HTH

[antelope]

after the years we spent together,
the thousands of hours we spent together,
the thousands of conversations we had... .

I came to realize this other person was mostly a stranger.  What I came to learn and realize in the aftermath has let me truly 'meet' her.

I loved her... .and in the endings, I came to hate her.

Now a few years removed, I realize I actually felt those emotions were all superficial, b/c in the end: can you truly love or hate a stranger?

[anothercasualty]

I have been told that hatred is the polar opposite of love. Meaning, when you hate someone, you are still investing in that person, just with the opposite emotion. They are just as intertwined with you as if you loved them still.

When I first went to counseling, the goal I was given was to become apathetic rather than hate. I was allowed anger and hatred for a period of time, but the overall goal was to be apathetic.

Has anyone been given that kind of instruction/direction before?

[Hash]

Hey folks,

My own personal point of view is that i dont hate my ex i worry about her and the path she chose.

I have sympathy to the ones who recognise it and seek help but my sympathy stops when someone wont seek help no matter how hard it may be.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301899.new#new

Thats my story if you would like to understand my situation, i have moments of complete clarity and think she is gone just let her go and look after you, but there are moments i would give my right arm just to hear her voice and cuddle up on the sofa with a film.

Theres a thin line between love and hate and i cross the line on a daily basis probably like how someone with BPD is during the idealization devaluation phase.

I accept i will always miss her but i have decided to do a charity skydive to raise money for barnardo's to help fund work with abused kids so that they may hopefully deal with their trauma early in life and not let it control them.

My ex was a victim of mental, sexual and physical abuse, how can you hate a victim?

To borrow a line from the dark knight i am the hero my ex deserves, but not the one she needs right now

[Duped 1]

after the years we spent together,
the thousands of hours we spent together,
the thousands of conversations we had... .

I came to realize this other person was mostly a stranger.  What I came to learn and realize in the aftermath has let me truly 'meet' her.

I loved her... .and in the endings, I came to hate her.

Now a few years removed, I realize I actually felt those emotions were all superficial, b/c in the end: can you truly love or hate a stranger?

So sad but this is kinda how I feel too. She was by best friend for two years (or was she?)and she once worshipped me and she threw me in the trash like I was nothing and moved right on to the next victim immediately. I never really knew her as the phony she portrayed herself to be wasn't capable of the rude, selfish, and heartless things she did.

[Kelli Cornett]

You are just giving her power that way.

[once removed]

it is my experience that anger felt better than pining for my ex, that is true.

there are productive and healthy outlets for anger. consider what yours might be. but just directing hatred at our exes keeps us attached at the end of the day.

be self aware about your anger. journal it. put it into creative action. understand that it is not the entire picture of the ex or the relationship, but an important part nonetheless.

i especially like the concept of not letting others live rent free in your head, discussed here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0

[Confused108]

I abosolutly hate my ex as well. After her staking of me for years in Facebook . Then pumping mutual friends about me and finally sending me a friends request that I was so stupid to accept. She played me like a fiddle. So sensecre that she actually still loved me. All lies. She hung in there for 2 1/2 years until I finally broke down and took her bait. If that's not sly and cunning I don't know what is. Once she had me the mind games  push / pull, I love you , I don't crap started within 2 weeks. She always spoke about her exs and their relationships. Everything out of her mouth I found out later was all lies. Now this is a woman I was friends with from 12 yo. She had absolutely no remorse what she did to me. She would  act very sweet and I'm so sorry crap. Then the next time she would turn into this animal/ monster who didn't care what they did to me. So yep this was the 2nd time my ex broke my heart. Now I have nothing but hate for her. And if she were to ever try and recycle me again ... which I doubt she will , she will be in for quite a shock.

[Shedd]

I could never hate my ex.  Even out of all the bad things she did, there were really good times.  She gave me the best two years of my life! Through good or bad.  I learned from the bad.  I have come out of this relationship more stronger and fierce that I could never hate her.  She helped me grow up, and learn what is wrong and what is right and how to protect myself.