Derealization/Depersonalization

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A couple years ago while living with my ex I started developing some weird symptoms.

- My heart would race very fast - about 160 bpm resting rate on average
- I was extremely fatigued
- My head constantly felt foggy - the best way to describe it would be that feeling you have when you first wake up and your eyes need to adjust, etc.
- I constantly felt like I was dreaming and would sort of press on my face to try to clear things up (unsuccessfully)
-Felt constantly stoned (not in a pleasant way) - very out of control, just floating through life in a hazey dream-like state. Nothing felt real.

This lasted for nearly an entire summer with no relief. I had no idea what caused it for months. I went to the doctor and had my heart looked at - everything was fine. I had blood checked, etc... .everything physically came out fine with the exception of the rapid heartbeat which would occur seemingly out of nowhere - nothing pivotal triggered it, it seemed very random.

I remember however, that the first time the really scary symptoms started I was arguing with my now ex, at a coffee shop. We were having a heated discussion about something and all of a sudden I felt very strange in the head, almost light-headed... .and after that the symptoms just escalated.

I looked into allergies, started logging my diet, etc. to try to figure out what was causing the symptoms. Finally my dad suggested that it sounded like panic attacks but he wondered why I would have anxiety.   (my family had no idea what the situation with my ex was like).

I started googling my symptoms more and more and eventually came across "depersonalization". I'm still not sure if this is what I experienced, as a doctor never discussed this with me - they only focused on physical health, didn't even consider mental. But something really bizarre led me to that discovery. I remember feeling like the world was more clear when I had sunglasses on (I probably sound a little crazy right now, but it was true at the time)... .when I put on sunglasses the haziness and dream-like state seemed a little less severe, I don't know why. But someone else had evidently experienced the same sensation and categorized it under depersonalization or derealization.

Those were the scariest few months of my life, I felt so depressed. I honestly remember feeling like I didn't even want to live if those symptoms never went away. I've even held off writing about it for a long time for fear that if I think about it too much it will come back. Ultimately it went away (I believe) because I stopped thinking about it. From what I read, as a manifestation of anxiety, I was probably worsening my symptoms by panicking about whatever was wrong with me. I was fueling a cycle where I would panic, the symptoms would worsen, I'd panic more, and so forth. When I finally was able to let it go they eventually dissipated.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this. I noticed someone post a thread that mentioned derealization but I didn't want to hijack the post with my long story. I've never really discussed this in depth with anyone who has understood it or experienced it so I'm interested to see if any of you have had something similar happen. In hindsight it seems to be the most fitting cause of my symptoms. I believe that it came as a result of my intense r/s with my ex - the stress just accumulated to the point where my mind couldn't handle anymore so it put up a wall and tried to shut the world out. I had never experienced anxiety at the level before, but it's truly terrifying.

[JJacks0]

A couple years ago while living with my ex I started developing some weird symptoms.

- My heart would race very fast - about 160 bpm resting rate on average
- I was extremely fatigued
- My head constantly felt foggy - the best way to describe it would be that feeling you have when you first wake up and your eyes need to adjust, etc.
- I constantly felt like I was dreaming and would sort of press on my face to try to clear things up (unsuccessfully)
-Felt constantly stoned (not in a pleasant way) - very out of control, just floating through life in a hazey dream-like state. Nothing felt real.

This lasted for nearly an entire summer with no relief. I had no idea what caused it for months. I went to the doctor and had my heart looked at - everything was fine. I had blood checked, etc... .everything physically came out fine with the exception of the rapid heartbeat which would occur seemingly out of nowhere - nothing pivotal triggered it, it seemed very random.

I remember however, that the first time the really scary symptoms started I was arguing with my now ex, at a coffee shop. We were having a heated discussion about something and all of a sudden I felt very strange in the head, almost light-headed... .and after that the symptoms just escalated.

I looked into allergies, started logging my diet, etc. to try to figure out what was causing the symptoms. Finally my dad suggested that it sounded like panic attacks but he wondered why I would have anxiety.   (my family had no idea what the situation with my ex was like).

I started googling my symptoms more and more and eventually came across "depersonalization". I'm still not sure if this is what I experienced, as a doctor never discussed this with me - they only focused on physical health, didn't even consider mental. But something really bizarre led me to that discovery. I remember feeling like the world was more clear when I had sunglasses on (I probably sound a little crazy right now, but it was true at the time)... .when I put on sunglasses the haziness and dream-like state seemed a little less severe, I don't know why. But someone else had evidently experienced the same sensation and categorized it under depersonalization or derealization.

Those were the scariest few months of my life, I felt so depressed. I honestly remember feeling like I didn't even want to live if those symptoms never went away. I've even held off writing about it for a long time for fear that if I think about it too much it will come back. Ultimately it went away (I believe) because I stopped thinking about it. From what I read, as a manifestation of anxiety, I was probably worsening my symptoms by panicking about whatever was wrong with me. I was fueling a cycle where I would panic, the symptoms would worsen, I'd panic more, and so forth. When I finally was able to let it go they eventually dissipated.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this. I noticed someone post a thread that mentioned derealization but I didn't want to hijack the post with my long story. I've never really discussed this in depth with anyone who has understood it or experienced it so I'm interested to see if any of you have had something similar happen. In hindsight it seems to be the most fitting cause of my symptoms. I believe that it came as a result of my intense r/s with my ex - the stress just accumulated to the point where my mind couldn't handle anymore so it put up a wall and tried to shut the world out. I had never experienced anxiety at the level before, but it's truly terrifying.

[rarsweet]

I never experienced this with my ex boyfriend but I did experience this when I was married before. It was an extremely abusive marriage and I didn't realize that I disassociated during my marriage until I was out of it and didn't do it anymore. When I was married often I would have friends reference phone conversations we had and I would have no memory of them or I would sort of remember them like it had been in a dream. One time I actually went to my work and picked up my paycheck and then later that day went to get it again, no memory of getting it earlier. One time after an argument I ended up in the ER with a panic attack that literally froze my hands into claw shapes. It took along time to remember those events. I would also sleep walk and talk when I was married. I now think I didn't really, I just dissociated. My ex husband was cruel enough to joke about sex that I wouldn't remember, he would say I was sleep( word I can't type here). A co worker once asked me if I was stoned the day before because I had been in a fog all day and my pupils were dilated. No I wasn't stoned. Once I was out of the marriage and dated again I wondered why I didn't sleep walk or talk anymore. It must have just been the extreme stress I was under and a way I escaped it.

[steelwork]

I experienced something like this for short periods (like, a few hours at a time)--the thing that I remember most clearly was the sensation that I was in a tunnel--and that my voice, when I spoke, was coming from somewhere outside my body. I get otherworldly feelings not infrequently, but the most alarming episodes were during a time of great r/s stress.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this. I noticed someone post a thread that mentioned derealization but I didn't want to hijack the post with my long story.

I was diagnosed with "cPTSD with dissociative features" at 17.
Tbh, we never really paid too much attention to exactly what was meant by that "dissociative features" part back then.  I just knew in session I sometimes had a really hard time keeping a visual focus like looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.

Actually, all these years, I simply knew I fogged out a lot, felt disconnected and such.  I felt often like there was some partition between me and the world like speaking to the world as tho one goes to bank and the person is behind a glass wall, just more distant than had they not been behind a glass wall.

It is only this year, that I have actually gotten a trauma therapist, (due to me having some progressively worsening vertigo episodes that I thought were part of my Lyme disease but Part of me felt maybe dissociation,) that I am actually learning just how much I do this dissociative stuff, and the many various ways one can dissociate.

(I never knew or heard of tachycardia being any part of it.  All the other symptoms I relate to. I have had some intermittent cardiac rhythm issues, almost needed ablation, never thought this dissociation, so if it is related, that would be news to me.  Yet, I do admit, when I have a medical issue, whether cardiac, kidney, etc, I tend to dissociate more due to trying to cope with the stress and pain.)

[patientandclear]

I had severe dissociation episodes for several years, nearly nightly, after my BPD relationship first imploded.  I'd "lose time" (sounds different from what you experienced but maybe related) for 30-90 minutes, nearly every time I was seated and thought about the relationship, in evening/night hours.  Never had anything like that happen before.  It was as if my brain was putting itself into suspended animation to protect me from the damage of the events my thoughts were going toward.

[beggarsblanket]

I probably dissociate more than I am aware of. For a while I was in day hospital for bipolar. One day I was standing outside with a group of patients and a psychiatric nurse. Everyone was chatting, but I was silent. The nurse said to me, "Are you okay?" If she hadn't cued me, I would not have been aware of it. I was gazing into the distance, in one of my "long stares." I can only describe it as a kind of mental vacancy. Nothing was going through my mind. I was lost in the distance. I do this a fair bit, and I've done so for years.

I got this same thing, much more dramatically, on the day everything fell apart with my ex. We met and tried to have a serious talk about our relationship. It didn't go well. We stopped and went for coffee. I remember sitting with her on the patio. I was staring down the street opposite the coffee shop. The street seemed to stretch out in front of me. Everything seemed very far away from me. We were surrounded by people talking, but it barely registered. I could hear everything, see everything, but it was very far away. The street I was staring down was familiar, but it seemed very long, much longer than usual. I had tunnel vision. I was solely focused on the end of the road. She was talking to me and saying my name repeatedly, but it didn't register.