What to do? What to do?

[KarmasReal]

Ah the confusion and loneliness once again sets in. I can out run it most of the day, between work and working out and trying to sleep, it makes my day bearable but I can only avoid home for so long. By 11 or so I come back to and empty house and feel like an empty person. No longer having someone who asks about my day, to ask them, to hold them, laugh with them, talk, kiss, have a relationship.

I miss those things so. I miss the idea of the future that once again got imprinted in my brain. So close to having a house, maybe a more stable relationship, the possibility of a family, and doing normal family things. From the outside, most people see me as some kind of player, happy drinking and flirting and being wild and loving for myself. I guess I project that. That's not me at all, I hate those things, a lot of my friends would kill for that and I never wanted it. I love being in a real, deep relationship. Having picnics, and going to movies, and dinner, and talking, and laughing. Drinking and meeting new girls every week is just shallow to me, although I guess that's "dating" these days. And I will do what I have to do, go out on weekends, talking to 2 new girls now, even though I'm in no emotional way ready. I know I shouldn't but they take away the loneliness, they make me feel like I'm not junk to be thrown aside, like I felt I was.

I'm a good guy, not nice, but good, I stood up for myself wen needed, I was honest, I was helpful, I was caring, loyal, fun, smart, in good shape, nice looking. I don't know what more I could have been really. And now as I close in on 2 weeks of breaking up for the fourth time, I'm more hurt than angry. What is she thinking, I know I'm suppose to go on with life but due to so many recycles I'm not even sure how, it's like I feel like okay I'm just gonna date other people with no commitment for a few months then we will get back together. And part of me wants that, I don't know why. And the other part says after this there is no way you could. I wish I could just call her up and talk to her about all this, say why this and what do you think about that, and reminisce and laugh, and enjoy each other the way we use to because our connection is on a real level, the disorder may mess almost everything else up but that was real!

Since the terrible break up I texted about getting a few things of mine and talking about a situation with the mail. She said she would even though she was being passive aggressive and underhanded mean. I text a couple days later seeing if she was free to do it and she ignored it, never responded, after two years and living together. Like I don't know where to go or what to do from here. Advice? text again? Go see her? Forget it and bite the bullet? Say angry things? Say nice things? Block her social media, where she still has our pics up. Like one? I just want a response and opening to get some dialogue or some idea of what and why this is all happening!

[yoyo1221]

KarmasReal,

I understand the feeling you are going through.  I think you and I have quite similar personalities.  I have been in a relationship for 6 years with my BPD wife.  It never got better.  There were brief moments when it seemed like it could.  But I'd be back where I started.  Too much of this can depress the hell out of you.  The feelings you are feeling are understandable and will pass with time. You should concentrate on yourself and try not to think of her feelings and the good times.  I believe you will be happier in the long run, that is the most important.