Isolation

[SD Suzi]

Hi, I'm new to the group and I'm very depressed.  I'm pretty much a shut-in due to several chronic illnesses.  Facebook and church are my main contacts with the world, and my daughter-in-law has sabotaged both for me.  She has chosen to take her fights with my husband and I to Facebook, over politics, but instead of discussing the differences in a reasonable manner, she has chosen to turn it into a personal attack on her if we disagree with her politically.  She then posted about how members of her family had personally attacked her so all of her friends (most of them know her only from FB) post how terrible we are and how wonderful she is.  She also then makes sure that we're cut off from our son and grandkids.  Also, if she can disrupt our schedule so that we can't make it to church, she will.  She's always going on on FB about what a spiritual, loving, and empathetic person she is so she can garner personal accolades from those who don't have to be around her.  It's gotten so that FB is being poisoned for me, but if I unfriend her or block her posts, then that is turned against me.  The fighting/cutoff cycle has been going on in various ways for twenty years, and I'm so tired of it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome SD Suzi :   
Sorry about the situation with your DIL.  You aren't going to change her.  Things never go well with interacting on Facebook, with someone with BPD traits.  If you ever disagree on anything, expect a poor outcome.  If you always agree with her position and validate her, then things might be okay.  Best to find/use different social media options that don't involve your DIL.  Consider developing friendships with people from church, where you can talk on the phone, email each other or have them to your home, etc. 

You can't change her.  Your best approach is to learn various strategies and communication techniques to change the way you interact and react.   The strategy at the two links below can help you avoid arguments:

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

You and your husband will need to combine efforts.  You will never be able to debate politics around her, or discuss opposing views, like you may with people without BPD or strong BPD traits.

The skill of VALIDATION can be a helpful.  Click on the link and check out the article. 

Take some time to check out some communication skills and share them with your husband.  You don't need to block or unfriend her, but you will need to show restraint and do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).  If you don't have something nice to say, stay silent.  You might want to consider starting a 2nd Facebook Page, where you can interact with people outside of your DIL's circle.

let us know what you think about the JADE strategy and the Drama Triangle.  People with BPD can have a strong reaction to being invalidated. 

[Mutt]

Hi SD Suzi,

I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how there could be a lot of drama on Facebook. I'd like to touch on what Naugthy Nibbler shared with drama triangles. BPD is a persecutor complex and the person believes that they are victim caused by external circumstances, you have you, your DIL and Facebook friends, that makes 3 points a long a triangle and perpetuates an ongoing cycle of conflict and drama.

She then posted about how members of her family had personally attacked her so all of her friends (most of them know her only from FB) post how terrible we are and how wonderful she is

I can see how she turns it against you if you block her, she loses validation that she's good. Usually people will lash out if you set a boundary with them, but it does eventually stop how long have you blocked her for?

[Harri]

Hi SD Suzi and welcome. 

What a difficult situation especially when one of your ways of connecting with the outside world is being invaded.

Have you tried unfollowing her rather than blocking her?  Generally if you do that, you will not see her posts and she has no idea that you are not seeing them.  The only way you see them is if you actually go to her page looking for them or if a mutal friend posts and their setting allow friends of friends to see their posts.  Try it.  It is less confrontational and will hopefully allow you to enjoy facebook more.

The suggestions and articles posted by Naughty Nibbler are good for other situations so I do hope you will check them out.

Take good care.

[Janneke]

Also, if she can disrupt our schedule so that we can't make it to church, she will. 

I've learned that a big part of caring for BPD sufferers is not rescuing them and not enabling. If she developed some 'emergency' that would normally keep you from church... .what would happen if you didn't respond?