24 Years- Finally Made the Decision to Divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 

Just for kicks I thought I would look up my old posts on BPD Family. This site was my lifeline during the toughest years with my soon-to-be- exH UBPD.

Wow. Wow. Wow... .My last post was in May, 2014 and as I re-read I realized what treasure trove this site is and how far I have come. In 2.5 years since that post, I secured a great full time job (after 18 years as a stay at home mom), reconnected with me previously estranged family, and finally, finally, a month ago put the health and well-being of my kids and I first by kicking him OUT.  I overcame years of fear: that I was weak, that I couldn't afford for him to leave, of what he would do... .It took me this long but I did it!

Final straw? He abused my child emotionally... .for.the.last.time.  It took my oldest moving out, and my youngest crying hysterically after he stranded her in an unfamiliar place to "teach her a lesson". DONE. I am not going to let my kids be subject to his sick whims the way I was all those years.

It was a slow process. There were many break ups and make ups along the way. Each one,however, brought me closer to the realization that I was dying a little everyday I stayed with him. The beginning of the end was -- the 2014 posts show it clearly-- I fell out of love with him. The love was gone because of all the years of abuse. I dreamed of leaving him.  I started to hatch a plan.  I began seeing a therapist- just me, not with him.  Now I just had to be strong and end my dependency on him- mostly financial, but social too.

I HAD to find a job- that was #1. I had no money for professional clothes- everything I wore was from Goodwill- I would go to the richer neighborhood and find great career wear for 2- 3.00).  I went on every interview I could secure. He hated that I was looking for work outside the home. During my job hunt, he told me: "No one's going to hire a fifty year old with no experience". He would tell me I looked old or my outfit was bad. He would imply I was feeble, unhealthy, or mentally unstable. I ignored his bull___, which I used to hold as gospel, and I didn't give up. I ended up securing an excellent job. (Even now he tells me I do "grunt work"- haha- but my work is meaningful, stable, secure, and I will have a pension.)

Soon, I will be free. I know it won't be easy. He is already showing signs of stalling. But its happening. The last few weeks of being on my own in my bed and in my home have been incredible. My kids and I do not miss him and his chaos and narcissism one bit.

I am dreaming of doing all the things I haven't done because of him. I am dreaming again.

It's not too late.  Take your time and be kind to yourself. Detach -- a great book that helped me so much was "10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages".

I will be lurking here, I know I will need help and support during the divorce phase.

Thank you to everyone who posts and the moderators.  This site is truly a Godsend.

[babyoctopus]

 

Just for kicks I thought I would look up my old posts on BPD Family. This site was my lifeline during the toughest years with my soon-to-be- exH UBPD.

Wow. Wow. Wow... .My last post was in May, 2014 and as I re-read I realized what treasure trove this site is and how far I have come. In 2.5 years since that post, I secured a great full time job (after 18 years as a stay at home mom), reconnected with me previously estranged family, and finally, finally, a month ago put the health and well-being of my kids and I first by kicking him OUT.  I overcame years of fear: that I was weak, that I couldn't afford for him to leave, of what he would do... .It took me this long but I did it!

Final straw? He abused my child emotionally... .for.the.last.time.  It took my oldest moving out, and my youngest crying hysterically after he stranded her in an unfamiliar place to "teach her a lesson". DONE. I am not going to let my kids be subject to his sick whims the way I was all those years.

It was a slow process. There were many break ups and make ups along the way. Each one,however, brought me closer to the realization that I was dying a little everyday I stayed with him. The beginning of the end was -- the 2014 posts show it clearly-- I fell out of love with him. The love was gone because of all the years of abuse. I dreamed of leaving him.  I started to hatch a plan.  I began seeing a therapist- just me, not with him.  Now I just had to be strong and end my dependency on him- mostly financial, but social too.

I HAD to find a job- that was #1. I had no money for professional clothes- everything I wore was from Goodwill- I would go to the richer neighborhood and find great career wear for 2- 3.00).  I went on every interview I could secure. He hated that I was looking for work outside the home. During my job hunt, he told me: "No one's going to hire a fifty year old with no experience". He would tell me I looked old or my outfit was bad. He would imply I was feeble, unhealthy, or mentally unstable. I ignored his bull___, which I used to hold as gospel, and I didn't give up. I ended up securing an excellent job. (Even now he tells me I do "grunt work"- haha- but my work is meaningful, stable, secure, and I will have a pension.)

Soon, I will be free. I know it won't be easy. He is already showing signs of stalling. But its happening. The last few weeks of being on my own in my bed and in my home have been incredible. My kids and I do not miss him and his chaos and narcissism one bit.

I am dreaming of doing all the things I haven't done because of him. I am dreaming again.

It's not too late.  Take your time and be kind to yourself. Detach -- a great book that helped me so much was "10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages".

I will be lurking here, I know I will need help and support during the divorce phase.

Thank you to everyone who posts and the moderators.  This site is truly a Godsend.

[livednlearned]

Hi babyoctupus,

I'm sorry I didn't see your post until now. 24 years is a long time, and you have a new beginning. 

I learned a similar lesson: it's never too late to take care of myself, to care about me. It really does take so much emotional strength to listen to that voice inside, Hey! I'm trying to look out for you! You deserve better!

Like you, the final straw was also witnessing my ex emotionally abuse my son. Thinking about how my amazing little happy, bright, curious boy was falling to pieces in front of me. Still makes me cry thinking about it.

Where do things stand with your divorce? Have you read Splitting yet? That's a great book to have handy. Plus, the lessons at the top of the Family Law board.

I remember the feeling of walking into my crappy little 3rd floor apartment with no furniture except a bed after moving out and feeling like I won the lottery. To walk in and know that it was guaranteed peaceful and stress-free, what a blessing.

Glad you have that, too. 

LnL

[babyoctopus]

Thank you, LnL! I will get that book, I will need a lot of support and help. I am strong! I can do it.
Yes, the abuse of my child was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

God bless you! See you on the boards.