Erratic behavior--happy to angry then back again

[lookingforanswer]

I am totally confused. For no reason whatsoever that I can see, my uBPDh goes from angry and irrational to happy. These happy periods last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Mostly we are stuck in the angry/silence continuum. During these happy periods I can discuss anything that he has either deemed offlimits  or bring up subjects that I know would normally make him flip out. He is rational, reasonable and easy to deal with.

There is no pattern to this that I can see. Anyone else have these periods of time? I remember before I let the reality set in that he had BPD that I would experience these happy times and think to myself that whatever was bothering him must have blown over, without ever really understanding what that event was.

I did notice this time that he has been doing some research on BPD so maybe he is trying to self-heal? This I believe might be in my imagination and again I'm trying to rationalize behaviour that maybe has no explanation.

In other instances, I notice an improvement in behaviour if he thinks he has to deal with his mother or if he needs to do something that he knows I will veto. This I believe is his way to get emotional support before a stressful event. Very manipulative and always lands me in a nasty mood. So far, I haven't heard of anything that he needs from me.

Please remind me why we deal with our significant others who can't really function emotionally. Most days I can't believe I ended up in this place and I can't see the upside for me. Right now, my life with him seems completely ridiculous and so not something I would normally put up with.

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[iramos]

Hi,

I just joined here yesterday so take my advice with a grain of salt . I've been asking myself the same question about why I continue to stay in a relationship. My wife was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago but didnt really come to light or something that we accepted until we went through an experience that left us pretty close to divorce. It's definately not easy. The only thing I can really respond to that is that we genuinely love our spouse. We love them for who they are. At some point there comes a time, where we have to understand that it's not about us, its not what we are doing wrong, more so it's how they view the world and their ability to cope. See the thing with BPD, is that it's a behavioral illness. Pretty much ingrained by not having a well developed emotional coping system or personality. Because of this, they function and see the world differently. It's almost like trying to explain fireworks to someone who is colorblind. They just don't have the tools to see it.

[ampersandalz]

Please remind me why we deal with our significant others who can't really function emotionally. Most days I can't believe I ended up in this place and I can't see the upside for me. Right now, my life with him seems completely ridiculous and so not something I would normally put up with.

This is definitely a hard question to answer, but my mind dictates that "if we are willing to put up with it at all, there must be a reason, right?"  In my case, when my uBPDw is her normal self, even when the environment is fairly neutral, I am constantly reminded of the things I love about her.  Her drive, her passions, her dedication to her dreams, and really, just how unlike anyone else I've ever met she is.  At her worst, she can be verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unreasonable.  At her best, though, she is supportive, caring, hard-working, sexy, and I am reminded that she does, in fact, love me.  

I have often found myself saying "how did I end up in this position?"  And it's difficult to think about, difficult to walk through life resenting the people I see around me whose lives and relationships seem so pure and uncomplicated, so blissful., and harder to know I may never attain that.  I believe everything is the way it is for a reason, though, and perhaps thinking in such a way is a solid push to being a more confident, more self-caring person.

I may be rambling a bit, but I found much to relate to in your words and if I can offer anything, it's to try your best to maintain your own physical, mental, and emotional health, and stay confident. Be vigilant in the things you want and even more so in the things you need.  

Lastly, keep coming back here.  Not only has it helped me feel a sense of community and understanding when I need it most, it has also given me an opportunity to explore the reasons why I stay.  Sometimes typing these things out, be it a concrete list of the "good and bad" or what we need to do (as hard as our own advice can be to follow in the moment), it's good to have those reminders on paper.

A tip I received from my therapist is to "grade" our interactions daily, so I can stay grounded.  I can know that it can be good when it's bad and vice versa.  Keeps me out of "la la land" and helps me think clearly about the state of things.  I basically just keep a sheet of ratings 1-5, worst to best, on how our daily interactions are and how I felt by the end of the day.