An Introduction

[MelloYello]

Hi!   I'm here looking for advice from and involvement in a community of people that understand my experiences. I am grieving the loss of a normal childhood, and coping with my anger surrounding my mom. My counselor thinks my mom has BPD, and I've now read "Walking on Eggshells," which describes my mother quite well. I'm in my mid-thirties and have really struggled with my mom over the years.

Here's my story:
My dad passed away in 2013 after a long, painful battle with cancer and it nearly destroyed me. It was incredibly hurtful that my mom exhibited her typical BPD symptoms the whole time. She and my dad were happily (mostly) married for 35+ years so as he was dying, she was losing her entire support system. My dad is the only person my mom's ever really gotten along with, besides her sister. Anyway, it was horrible. I would visit my parents or call my mom and ask how things were going. I would always get the same story - that my dad was "a baby" or "weak" and shouldn't be so afraid of dying. She was tired of him crying (basically, having any emotions) and she was tired of being a caregiver. I provided a lot of support to both my mom and dad during the five years that my dad slowly sickened and died. My mom was a huge emotional drain on me. At the end, she was too emotionally distraught to be there when my dad died. Instead, I held my dad in my arms as he took his last breaths.

After my dad died, I found a WONDERFUL counselor who listened to everything and said "you're basically an orphan now" because my mom was not fulfilling the role of a mother. From what I described, my counselor says I counseled my mom my whole life. I've always been patient with my mom. I was a doting daughter and I also absorbed as much of her pain and anxiety as I could. I could tell she was a hurt person and I wanted her to be happy. The problem is- this made me depressed as a child. As an adult, I could tell she was unhealthy and I started pulling away a bit, but I couldn't identify the exact cause of my frustration with her. Even though I had somewhat pulled away from her in my early twenties, I returned to her side in my late twenties as my dad was dying. However, dealing with my own suffering and trying to absorb her suffering nearly destroyed me physically and emotionally. I developed debilitating migraines, had all kinds of aches and pains, got into some unhealthy romantic relationships and entered into a long-term depression. I'm finally coming out of that now.

I'm sad that I can't turn to my mom during this time of grief about my dad. I pulled away from my mom after my dad died and after learning that she probably has BPD. I've limited our conversations to once a month. She has no idea why this is happening and makes comments every once in a while about how she'd like to talk or visit with me more. I'm incredibly angry with her. She split me and my dad my whole life. As he was dying, I started to realize what a wonderful man he was. This information was previously unknown to me because she only told me bad things about him. I grew up in the same household with him, and he loved me dearly, but I turned away from his unconditional love because my mom had convinced me that he treated her poorly. After he passed away, she only told me negative stories about him. I was blown away at his funeral to see so many people show up and to hear a ton of wonderful stories about him from friends, co-workers, work-out buddies, family, etc. I had no idea how many people loved him and thought he was a super generous, loving, kind person.

Even now, three years in, my mom says she loved him but she also hasn't been able to really cry about his death. There are lots of signs that she has BPD, but this is one of the more painful ones. She still hasn't processed his death. I know she loves me but she usually just hurts me. I have a brother who I love dearly, but he doesn't see how bad she is. He wasn't singled out by her in his childhood and so had a very different reaction to her BPD. She coddled me and called me her "best friend" and wanted to do everything with me. I didn't know that this was unhealthy and just went along with it. I think my brother set some boundaries early, and also wasn't as interested in easing her anxiety. I think he did the healthier thing and didn't let her mess with his head.

I'm totally rambling, but in conclusion... .I'm struggling with how to define a new, minimal relationship with my mom. We live on opposite coasts (I could never live close to her) and I'm struggling with how to react to her in a way that doesn't involve so much anger. I'd like to forgive her, but every time I think about that I get angry, and then sad. I'm sad because I remember all of the sweet things my dad did for me and I either ignored them or interpreted them the wrong way. I missed out on a wonderful relationship with my dad. And I missed out on having a loving, supportive mom.

My mom feels like a burden to me. I call her to make sure the rest of the family doesn't think I'm a total monster for cutting her off completely. Every time I talk to her I feel anxious and angry. She is coming to visit me for the holidays. I invited my brother, sister-in-law, and their kids, but they couldn't make it. Then my mom invited herself to my place and I didn't have the guts to tell my mom "no, you can't come because it's just you." I'd like to learn how to deal with my mom both in the short and long-term. I appreciate any thoughts others have on this.

[Notwendy]

Hi Mello Yello,


I am sorry for the loss of your father. I had a similar experience with my mother's behavior when my father died after a long illness. It was very difficult emotionally. My mother's behaviors towards him and her children were similar. My father had been the one to do much of the caretaking for my mother. He had enlisted us kids as caretakers as well, from the time we were young teens. The shift- from the family focusing on my mother and her needs, to my father and his needs was a stress, in addition to the expected stresses on any family.

I had my own family at the time, and her escalated behaviors were overwhelming to me. I began to place boundaries with her, for the first time and the result was that she painted me black to my father and her FOO. My father was very angry at me. By the time her died, I wasn't sure if I was disowned or not.

I was despondent and like you have mentioned - felt like an orphan. My father had been my only parent in that sense. My relationship with my mother is mainly all about her needs. At the time of my father's death, I was really too angry and upset to even speak to her, but at the advice of an older friend who had experienced having elderly parents, I chose to remain in limited contact. One reason was my own sense of either obligation or just that it didn't feel right to go NC with her - an elderly widow. Had she been much younger, maybe had the chance to be remarried, that could have been a choice, but it just didn't feel right to me. However, some members here have made the choice to go NC- it was right for them.

But neither did I want to be her caretaker or enabler. She is doing OK on her own with assistance. It is sad to think of her as an elderly woman alone, but she is as manipulative with her caretakers as she is with her family, and we don't want to deal with that.

My father's death was a very difficult time, emotionally. I think of him often. I will always miss him. However, if there was a silver lining, it was also the start of me breaking away from some dysfunctional family patterns. I worked on my own co-dependency and things like approval seeking. My father was the connection between my mother and her family. I feared his disapproval if I stood up to her but now I can do this. However, I also felt I needed to be cautious to not be cruel in return, or act on anger and resentment. Surprisingly, along with the grief, there was a feeling of relief. My attachment to my father also meant that my mother could manipulate me through this. That power was gone. I was left with my own choices. LC was the one I felt I could do.

I'm a soft-hearted person. Knowing that an elderly widow is without much emotional support from her children doesn't seem OK with me in the theoretical sense. But the reality is that the mother I have is a very different person from that idea.

I hope that my story helps you not feel alone, but also helps you pursue your path of emotional growth from your old family patterns.

[MelloYello]

Hello Notwendy,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your father as well. That is terrible that your mother was able to manipulate the situation to the point that you were not sure if you were disowned or not.

It's helpful to hear why and how you remained in contact with your mother, and how your family patterns changed. I am slowly starting to realize how sensitive I am to people like my mother and how, as you mentioned, I do a lot of approval seeking. 

I'm hopeful things will continue to get better for me as I practice building boundaries and limiting contact with my mother.

Thanks again,
MelloYello

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi MelloYello:
I'd like to join Notwendy in welcoming you.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father.  Sounds like you are grieving in multiple areas right now: the loss of your father, the lost opportunity to mend you relationship with your father and then the lack of a supportive and healthy mother.  That's a lot to process.

I lost my father in October of 2014, and my mom 4 months later, in Feb. of 2015.  We had a stressful 6-month period of time, that started out with both parents being hospitalized at the same time (neither of them ever came home). To make a long story short, my sister started exhibiting strong BPD traits in Sept. of 2014.  I wasn't familiar with BPD at the time, but she SPLIT
 me black.  It was a time when one would hope that sisters could grow closer, but she made a tough situation a thousand time worse.

I eventually went to therapy (not her, nothing wrong with her, ), and learned about BPD and that led me here.  It can be interesting to connect some dots, after you learn about BPD.  Although my father wouldn't qualify as BPD, he had several of the traits.  The most prominent trait was being perpetually moody/grumpy/angry and critical.  My dad, also, had issues with anxiety and depression, which became more of an issue as he aged.  In hindsight, I think he likely struggled with anxiety and depression his whole life.  My sister hasn't gotten any counseling, but from a survey I filled out in a "Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook", she tested out as a high-functioning BPD.

I never knew my father's mother, as she died in a train wreck when my father was very young.  She had been married 3 times, so I'm thinking she could have had some mental health issues. I guess where I'm going with this is that many families can go through the family tree and find that someone in the gene pool had some issues.  Sometimes it isn't genetic, but many times, dots connect and a conclusion can be drawn that there was some genetic issue in the family gene pool.  It may have appeared as anxiety or depression, but I think some families seem to pass on either defective brain chemistry or wiring in some way, shape or form.  How it manifests in a given individual, who inherits the chemistry or wiring, can depend on their emotional IQ, environment and whether they ever sought treatment. 
 

My mom feels like a burden to me. I call her to make sure the rest of the family doesn't think I'm a total monster for cutting her off completely. Every time I talk to her I feel anxious and angry.

 I'm struggling with how to define a new, minimal relationship with my mom. We live on opposite coasts (I could never live close to her) and I'm struggling with how to react to her in a way that doesn't involve so much anger. I'd like to forgive her, but every time I think about that I get angry, and then sad. I'm sad because I remember all of the sweet things my dad did for me and I either ignored them or interpreted them the wrong way. I missed out on a wonderful relationship with my dad. And I missed out on having a loving, supportive mom.

Anger is part or the grieving process.  RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  is something that might be helpful to read. Also, there are several links to the right of this post that you might find helpful.

These next 2 links can be helpful as well:

Acceptance - the final stage of grieving
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0

Forgiveness:
www.drwendywalsh.com/blog/2015/08/the-art-of-forgiveness/

Forgiveness is not for the abuser, but can help to put the past behind us.  Has your mom ever had therapy or treatment for any mental illness/disorder?  One way that some people make peace with having a person with BPD in their life, is that they see it as a disease.  They set boundaries and use techniques to make things manageable for them (without FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt).  We can't change the person with BPD (pwBPD) and we can't make them go to therapy and/or take meds.  All we can control is the way we react and interact and set BOUNDARIES

BPD can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both. Another thing in the mix, is that we can't change the hand we are dealt, but we can choose how we play the hand.  So, there can be a lot of variables in the equation. 

She is coming to visit me for the holidays.  I'd like to learn how to deal with my mom both in the short and long-term. I appreciate any thoughts others have on this.

The links below lead to some helpful information.  Also, if you click on the "green words" above for FOG and BOUNDARIES, it will lead you to lessons on those subjects. Validation (minimally not invalidating) can be a good tool.  It doesn't mean that you agree with your mom to validate her, just that you acknowledge her feelings.  The overview on communication skills can be helpful.

VALIDATION

COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

Hopefully, some of this information is helpful for you.  If you are still in therapy, perhaps you can discuss some of these techniques during some sessions.  Some people find it helpful to practice some scenarios before hand.  You can come back here and run some expected encounters by others and get some feedback with a trial run on using some skills and boundaries.

[MelloYello]

NaughtyNibbler,
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear of the loss of both of your parents, and of your sister's disease/behavior.

Thank you so much for the many resources and great ideas! I will definitely take a look at these before my mom gets here for the holidays!

-MelloYello