Tired of manipulation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I need to vent and be heard.

Background - I'm a student home for Xmas; I am the oldest and have a younger sibling w/ uBPD. My sib suffers from gender dysmorphia (born male, thinks is female) so if my pronouns are all over the place, that's why.

My sib is a master manipulator. Five years ago, s/he began having cluster headaches. These are an incredibly painful headache that would hit 2x a day, put sib in excruciating pain for about 15 minutes, then end. S/he would be pretty wiped out for the rest of the day. We tried many different meds as well as diet, exercise, massage, etc. We are from Maine and at the over-a-year mark took sib. to the Mayo clinic to see specialists. They couldn't do anything.

The trial of numerous drugs seems to have fostered drug-seeking behavior in my sib. While there were real headaches and real pain, as time wore on it seemed like part of it was sib enjoying trying all these very strong meds.

Many cluster headache sufferers have found marijuana to relieve their symptoms. When we had exhausted all other options, sib. got a medical marijuana permit. I initially supported this and had high hopes that it would help. Because insurance doesn't cover this, my parents paid for it out of pocket. I am grateful my parents have good jobs. It is very expensive.

Sometime later, sib told us s/he told us s/he had been raped by another teenage male when s/he was a teenager. Something had come to a boil and this revelation came during a hospitalization as a result of sib feeling suicidal. This TELLING made the headaches go away. They were psychosomatic. Sib. said s/he never wanted to use the marijuana again and burned the medical permit.

Sib received therapy for PTSD, depression, anxiety as well as trying meds. From my perspective, there was a lot of drug seeking behavior. Sib would get one drug, claim s/he had side effect X. Get second drug, claim side effect Y. I am a mathematician; statistically speaking, the chances of sib. experiencing all of these side effects is practically impossible. Basically what seemed to be happening was sib. would read possible side effects and claim she experienced X, Y, and Z to get to try a new drug. Whether this was a sort of hypochondriac result or lying, I don't know. What I observed was a sibling who would want to try a new med and would be really happy when the doctor went along with it, and really mad if the doctor wouldn't.

Finally sib. decided the only thing that worked for her anxiety/depression was the medical marijuana and she wanted to go back on that. Somehow s/he got another prescription. So basically my sibling mooches off my parents (sib does not have a job, has dropped out of 2 colleges claiming she can't handle it, or something gets mildly difficult and she claims it is the professor's fault) and smokes marijuana all day.

The most recent med-seeking is for the gender issues. Sibling has been on estrogen for about 3 months. I am so angry at the doctor for prescribing this. If someone wanted to have gender reassignment surgery, he/she would have to live as the other gender for a year, no days at all presenting as the born sex. The doctor prescribed estrogen despite the fact that my sibling, due do the dysphoria, keeps going back and forth between presenting as male and presenting as female. (e.g., he hasn't shaved his beard in a week). I see the want for estrogen as a get-another-drug. And I think the doctors just letting the kid try all these drugs just adds to the problem. In my mind, I believe my sib creates drama over drugs and that is a way to occupy her mind and not have to think about or deal with the fact that she was raped. The drug seeking is like a coping mechanism.

In terms of the marijuana, I feel like sib. did not give other, insurance-covered meds a fair chance. - I am SO ANGRY that sibling spends so much of my parents' money on [expletive] marijuana.
- I am angry that sib. sits around the house all day, does not help with housework, does not make any meaningful contribution to society.
- I am angry that my dad does so much 'rescuing' (he is the rescuer in the triangle!). Dad rescues because he is afraid if he doesn't, sibling will attempt suicide.
- I am angry that sibling has this whole taking-estrogen-to-become-a-woman thing, but then doesn't shave beard for a week. Pointing things like this out just becomes a fight.
- I am really sick of the smell of marijuana.
- I am angry at the doctors for going along with so many meds.
- I am angry at sibling's manipulation of my parents. When sib. wants something she will adopt this very weak, quiet voice and then as soon as she gets what she wants, she snaps out of it. My mom is pretty good at not being fooled but my dad is NOT.

I have another sibling who is, like myself, well-adjusted, working hard, has a good job. Some days I think "you had to have three children?" It's not that I don't want sib w/ uBPD to not exist. I want him to exist w/o the issues.

I was thinking this morning about the list of things I am angry about and realized that so much of it is out of my control. (I'm trying to find a way to have the anger settle out of my body).
- I may be angry that my parents spend so much money on sib marijuana, but it is not MY money.
- We have been working with sib. on taking care of her own dishes, etc. And I have stopped doing sib's dishes for her.
- Sib smokes the marijuana in the garage, it is not allowed in the house (my mom hates the smell too). I can choose to stay far away when sib. smells too bad. Y
- I can be responsible for my own behaviour (e.g., not rescuing) but I can't choose my dad's actions. I can educate my dad about not rescuing, but I can't decide what my dad does.

Thanks for listening.

[Janneke]

I need to vent and be heard.

Background - I'm a student home for Xmas; I am the oldest and have a younger sibling w/ uBPD. My sib suffers from gender dysmorphia (born male, thinks is female) so if my pronouns are all over the place, that's why.

My sib is a master manipulator. Five years ago, s/he began having cluster headaches. These are an incredibly painful headache that would hit 2x a day, put sib in excruciating pain for about 15 minutes, then end. S/he would be pretty wiped out for the rest of the day. We tried many different meds as well as diet, exercise, massage, etc. We are from Maine and at the over-a-year mark took sib. to the Mayo clinic to see specialists. They couldn't do anything.

The trial of numerous drugs seems to have fostered drug-seeking behavior in my sib. While there were real headaches and real pain, as time wore on it seemed like part of it was sib enjoying trying all these very strong meds.

Many cluster headache sufferers have found marijuana to relieve their symptoms. When we had exhausted all other options, sib. got a medical marijuana permit. I initially supported this and had high hopes that it would help. Because insurance doesn't cover this, my parents paid for it out of pocket. I am grateful my parents have good jobs. It is very expensive.

Sometime later, sib told us s/he told us s/he had been raped by another teenage male when s/he was a teenager. Something had come to a boil and this revelation came during a hospitalization as a result of sib feeling suicidal. This TELLING made the headaches go away. They were psychosomatic. Sib. said s/he never wanted to use the marijuana again and burned the medical permit.

Sib received therapy for PTSD, depression, anxiety as well as trying meds. From my perspective, there was a lot of drug seeking behavior. Sib would get one drug, claim s/he had side effect X. Get second drug, claim side effect Y. I am a mathematician; statistically speaking, the chances of sib. experiencing all of these side effects is practically impossible. Basically what seemed to be happening was sib. would read possible side effects and claim she experienced X, Y, and Z to get to try a new drug. Whether this was a sort of hypochondriac result or lying, I don't know. What I observed was a sibling who would want to try a new med and would be really happy when the doctor went along with it, and really mad if the doctor wouldn't.

Finally sib. decided the only thing that worked for her anxiety/depression was the medical marijuana and she wanted to go back on that. Somehow s/he got another prescription. So basically my sibling mooches off my parents (sib does not have a job, has dropped out of 2 colleges claiming she can't handle it, or something gets mildly difficult and she claims it is the professor's fault) and smokes marijuana all day.

The most recent med-seeking is for the gender issues. Sibling has been on estrogen for about 3 months. I am so angry at the doctor for prescribing this. If someone wanted to have gender reassignment surgery, he/she would have to live as the other gender for a year, no days at all presenting as the born sex. The doctor prescribed estrogen despite the fact that my sibling, due do the dysphoria, keeps going back and forth between presenting as male and presenting as female. (e.g., he hasn't shaved his beard in a week). I see the want for estrogen as a get-another-drug. And I think the doctors just letting the kid try all these drugs just adds to the problem. In my mind, I believe my sib creates drama over drugs and that is a way to occupy her mind and not have to think about or deal with the fact that she was raped. The drug seeking is like a coping mechanism.

In terms of the marijuana, I feel like sib. did not give other, insurance-covered meds a fair chance. - I am SO ANGRY that sibling spends so much of my parents' money on [expletive] marijuana.
- I am angry that sib. sits around the house all day, does not help with housework, does not make any meaningful contribution to society.
- I am angry that my dad does so much 'rescuing' (he is the rescuer in the triangle!). Dad rescues because he is afraid if he doesn't, sibling will attempt suicide.
- I am angry that sibling has this whole taking-estrogen-to-become-a-woman thing, but then doesn't shave beard for a week. Pointing things like this out just becomes a fight.
- I am really sick of the smell of marijuana.
- I am angry at the doctors for going along with so many meds.
- I am angry at sibling's manipulation of my parents. When sib. wants something she will adopt this very weak, quiet voice and then as soon as she gets what she wants, she snaps out of it. My mom is pretty good at not being fooled but my dad is NOT.

I have another sibling who is, like myself, well-adjusted, working hard, has a good job. Some days I think "you had to have three children?" It's not that I don't want sib w/ uBPD to not exist. I want him to exist w/o the issues.

I was thinking this morning about the list of things I am angry about and realized that so much of it is out of my control. (I'm trying to find a way to have the anger settle out of my body).
- I may be angry that my parents spend so much money on sib marijuana, but it is not MY money.
- We have been working with sib. on taking care of her own dishes, etc. And I have stopped doing sib's dishes for her.
- Sib smokes the marijuana in the garage, it is not allowed in the house (my mom hates the smell too). I can choose to stay far away when sib. smells too bad. Y
- I can be responsible for my own behaviour (e.g., not rescuing) but I can't choose my dad's actions. I can educate my dad about not rescuing, but I can't decide what my dad does.

Thanks for listening.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Janneke:    

It is a good feeling to write things out and vent.     You have a tough situation with your sibling.  BPD is a difficult situation on it's own, but add in the gender dysmorphia, and you have a lot to deal with.

At what age did the gender confusion begin?  Has your sibling had counseling to focus on that issue alone?  It might be difficult to find a therapist that is skilled with both BPD and  gender dysmorphia, but it could be good if a therapist is equipped to deal with both issues.

Is your sibling taking any meds for depression, at the current time?  I've read that you get different benefits/side effects from different strains of marijuana.  Wondering if your sibling is using a strain that promotes laziness?

Is it possible that your sibling wants the female hormones right now, so that it might make it easier for her to present as a female?  The longer she takes hormones, the easier for her to live as a female. Maybe, the hormones will have a positive effect on her behavior, after a period of time.  I checked out the article below and found it interesting.  You might as well.

www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/news/20150422/transgender-homomes-surgery#2

The article indicates that it can take up to 5 years to get the full benefit of the hormones and that 75% of people just use the hormones and never have surgery. If she stays on the hormones, it might be interesting to compare how she is behaving emotionally during Christmas Vacation, and then compare for any changes in BPD behaviors at both Spring and Summer vacations.

I had the experience of having a 2nd level manager (bosses' boss) undergo a gender change, while I was under that person's chain of command.  In that instance, the person went from female to male.  The interesting thing was that employees who had experiences with this person as a female manager, had nothing but good things to say about this person as a female.  Well, that wasn't the case for those of us who met this manager during the transition and then as a male.

Approx. 2 weeks into having this person in my chain of command, we were all called into a conference room and received a Powerpoint presentation regarding the manager's "official" sex change...   We were given a date, after which the manager had a new name and we were to begin to use new pronouns. I never interacted with the "warm, fuzzy and wonderful" manager.  I dealt with someone with opposite traits, who clearly became part of  "The Good Old Boy's Society". 

Any chance for some family counseling - perhaps during Spring or Summer Break?

[Janneke]

Hi NN 

 Thanks for the article. The gender dysmorphia began sometime after my sibling was raped. Before the therapist suggested BPD as a possible diagnosis this summer, we wondered if the rape had triggered the dysmorphia. The combination suicidal thoughts, depression, and gender dysmorphia made us wonder if our sibling was trying to "kill" Isaac, the male who was raped, and become Avery (F.) instead. Right now we figure the trauma of the rape has triggered the uBPD, PTSD, etc.

 Comparing behaviors pre/post hormones is a good idea  as is family counseling at some point. Even if it were just my parents and sibling.

 I am pleased to offer an update that my mom said the therapist was concerned about my sib's med-seeking behavior, and mentioned she might call some medical board about the psychiatrist's very liberal prescription of meds. The therapist also said that often when a patient is seeing multiple providers, there is someone on the treatment team whose sole role is med manager and to coordinate between providers. Mom mentioned that to sib, who said "yeah, I'm the med manager." HUGE  , the patient is NOT the med manager! So my parents may work on getting someone in the med manager role since there is so much going on in terms of the hormones, anxiety meds, etc. Just that sibling thinks s/he is the "med manager" is problematic - like s/he thinks it's her job to research which meds she should be taking and figure all that out... .

Sib. is right now with his/her current dating interest for a few days, and I am enjoying some peace and quiet at home with some much needed parents-all-to-myself time. :-)

[Naughty Nibbler]

So my parents may work on getting someone in the med manager role since there is so much going on in terms of the hormones, anxiety meds, etc.     

Sounds like a good idea to have all doctors know what is going on and have knowledge of all the meds.  I think physicians rely on their patients to share, but I'm thinking your sibling won't do that. 

Sib. is right now with his/her current dating interest for a few days, and I am enjoying some peace and quiet at home with some much needed parents-all-to-myself time. :-)

  Hope you have some peaceful quality time with your parents.