Need help with my BPD mother

[Tr81]

My mother has always been known for her rages and emotional attacks on people. Christmas holidays almost always bring out the worst in her. My 3 siblings and I are always walking on eggshells around her especially this time of year. We try to placate her and meet her needs but every year she ends up in a rage. Since my first child was born 5 years ago it has become even worse, and she demands every Christmas to be with her, despite my dad and my children's paternal grandparents also wanting to spend time with their grandchildren at Christmas. This year I decided I had had enough of bending to her needs and decided to finally put my own nuclear family's needs first.  I offered for my mother to come visit with us for as long as she wanted and she could have dinner with us on Christmas Eve. She was also invited to my dad's house for Christmas dinner (which she refused as she spouted off all the reason's she hates my stepmother and her family). She seemed ok with everything although the past couple weeks her comments and texts have been seeming more and more bitter and unstable and yesterday she finally sent off her annual abusive attack in the form of an email to my siblings and I. She went on about how we obviously hate her and how my father is clearly the favourite parent and brutally attacking each one of us in turn. This happens every year but this year was by far the worst. I believe it may be because I finally decided to set boundaries and stick to them.  After the email I received several abusive texts until finally I had to block her.
This does not only happen around holidays, but certainly makes it worse. It also happened with the birth of both my children. When my daughter was born both her and my husbands mother stayed with us as they both lived out of town. She was so angry when my MIL held the baby as apparently only she was allowed to. She finally left my home in a rage then wrote my husband an email about how she wants to bash his mothers head in.
My mom has a habit of writing hateful comments on peoples facebook feeds. The theme often around how nobody loves her enough, trying to guilt everyone until they do her bidding.
Well, yesterday I came across a site about borderline personality disorder. I could not believe how accurately it described my mother. I always knew something was unstable and off with her but never realized there was a term for it. I found this site and hope I am able to learn more about the disorder and on how to cope with my mothers abuse better.
Today she called my home but I did not pick up the phone as I am scared of what she will say. She is either calling to attack me, or to turn it around and play the poor me and try to make me think I actually attacked her and get me to give into her. I am not sure what to do. I do not want to hurt her and know a lot of her rage is from her own feelings of abandonment and unworthiness, but at the same time I am at a point in my life where I am no longer willing to put up with this type of abuse.
Thanks for reading, I really hope to find some answers on this forum!

[Turkish]

BPD or not,  she's a very angry person, as well as seeming incapable of understanding how others may view her (the Facebook drama).

What you said about turning in toward protecting your nuclear family is spot on,  and something quite a few of us have struggled with.  Though a spouse is an adult,  he or she is still your other half.  Children would never leave home otherwise.  Would that everyone could be part of a large extended family,  even given the usual spits or spats. Your mother's behaviours are outside the norm.  Threatening violence,  even implicitly,  indicates a level of anger in that she isn't aware of proper behavior at best; at worst, it indicates a potentially dangerous situation.  Verbal and emotional abuse can still be violent. 

We can certainly help point you to validation and boundary tools which can help defuse conflict (see the suggested reading at the top of the board).

Naturally,  the drama escalates during holidays or birthdays.   

How are your relationships with your siblings? Typically,  there is a favored child,  but not always.

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tr81

From what you say your mothers behaviour does sound very BPD. Someone with BPD wants to be centre stage, so when a child come along, they play up, worried they won’t get the attention they seek. Also at Christmas, they want it to be about them, hence why she would want you all around. A BPD also worry about abandonment, this can send them into a rage. So putting up boundaries can rattle them. If there is a way of putting up boundaries, whilst reassuring your mom this isn’t abandonment, that can only help. If someone is NPD, then they rage about not being made to feel really important, so slightly different. There are techniques you can use, to reassure someone with BPD, whilst passing over boundaries. Here’s a link to setting boundaries

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Here’s a link to phrasing thing just right for someone with BPD:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Hope this helps, and welcome to the forum. Feel free to ask questions, this forum is the least judgemental one I know, so don't worry about spelling or etiquette. Feel free to contribute to other threads.  

[Tr81]

Thank you for your replies. I have read through some of the information and have made a first draft of a reply. I am still feeling very raw and was wondering if I could post it here first and get some advice on whether to send it?  I don't want to make things worse. She called yesterday and today, then sent a "sorry but not sorry it's your fault because you dont love me" type of text. I could not pick up the phone whenshe called and have not responded to her text yet. Im not sure how much validating her feelings vs telling her what the facts really are I am supposed to be doing. Im feeling defensive too which I keep reading not to be when communicating with a bp. If anyone has any advice on my reslonse I would appreciate it. Thanks so much.

I'm sorry you feel like you are not getting enough love. I would not like feeling that way either. However, I'm not sure your emotions are actually based on the way people feel about you, but rather the way you feel about yourself?  I did say that you are welcome to visit anytime, you know the door is always open. We try to visit you whenever we are down that way too. I'm sorry it may not be as often as you would like, but having a baby who hates the car makes getting put anywhere very difficult.

Year after year you get very emotional around the holidays. I know it may not be fun living alone, and can see how that may feel lonely. Usually I try to take that into account when making my own holiday plans, which is why with the exception of 2013, I have spent every Christmas Dinner with you. Even in 2013, you stayed at my house on Christmas Eve, and went home Christmas Day after breakfast. I had to check back through emails and photographs to make sure I was not crazy, because you seem convinced we always abandon you at Christmas, when in fact that is very far from the truth.

This year I was willing to have you and everyone over for Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, or the 27 or 28 (it changed so many times). I also originally planned the White Elephant at my home for the sole reason that you would feel more welcome. I did not want to do it here as I have a 4 month old baby and try to avoid taking on too much but it was important to me you felt welcome, as I know you don't like going to Dad's house for things. It was only changed over to Dad's house when we had discussed doing a Turkey here instead, and you said you were not that interested in the White Elephant anyway.

As for Tegan's gift. When you were in the store I asked you not to get anything too large as I have space limits in my home. You went ahead and got the bus anyway. I said I would prefer you leave it at your own home then. You got mad at me so then I went out of my way to  rearrange Tegan's entire playroom to accommodate the gift you bought her.  A while back Dad bought Tegan a giant dollhouse he wanted to leave here but I said no it had to stay at his house, for the same reason. He did not take it as an attack or a message that I don't love him, and I had hoped you would not take it as such either.  It's a matter of space, not a matter of me rejecting you or your gift. Im sorry if that is how you felt about it.

I could go on and on and try to explain myself on each of your criticisms, but I'm no longer willing to put that much energy into this. When you change facts around to suit your current mood it is very confusing to me. Your attack the other day seemed to come out of nowhere, as they often do. I am tired of walking on eggshells around you, especially around Christmas. You are my mom and I love you unconditionally. Next time you doubt that please take a breather and walk away from the email while you really think things through.  You said at the end of your attack that you felt better having said everythinf. I did not feel better, John  and Rebecca  did not feel better. When you rage at me like that it makes me not want to be around you, which is ironic as that is exactly the belief that led you to write that. It is like you made a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have always loved you, and your grandchildren love you too. Right now I need some space to heal. I do not bounce back like I used to.

[Panda39]

Hi TR81,

Thank you for sharing your letter.  As you can see I've done a lot of editing.  This isn't to invalidate your feelings and experience because I'm sure things have happened just as you describe them.  But to your mother her feelings can equal facts so no matter what you say about your feelings she may not get it, she will only feel what she feels in response to your letter and she will respond based on those feelings.  People with BPD can feel a lot of shame and get defensive, then become argumentative so your comments on her behavior could trigger more drama.   

The reason I edited so much is that you are doing something that we call "Jading" JADE stands for "Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain".  When we JADE it can lead to circular arguments.  So while your letter will make you feel better it might not be the best way approach your mom. 

Below are some links related to Circular Arguments that you might want to check out

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

If anyone has any advice on my response I would appreciate it. Thanks so much.

I'm sorry you feel like you are not getting enough love. I would not like feeling that way either. However, I'm not sure your emotions are actually based on the way people feel about you, but rather the way you feel about yourself?  I did say that you are welcome to visit anytime, you know the door is always open. We try to visit you whenever we are down that way too. I'm sorry it may not be as often as you would like, but having a baby who hates the car makes getting put anywhere very difficult.

Year after year you get very emotional around the holidays. I know it may not be fun living alone, and can see how that may feel lonely. Usually I try to take that into account when making my own holiday plans, which is why with the exception of 2013, I have spent every Christmas Dinner with you. Even in 2013, you stayed at my house on Christmas Eve, and went home Christmas Day after breakfast. I had to check back through emails and photographs to make sure I was not crazy, because you seem convinced we always abandon you at Christmas, when in fact that is very far from the truth.

This year I was willing to have you and everyone over for Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, or the 27 or 28 (it changed so many times). I also originally planned the White Elephant at my home for the sole reason that you would feel more welcome. I did not want to do it here as I have a 4 month old baby and try to avoid taking on too much but it was important to me you felt welcome, as I know you don't like going to Dad's house for things. It was only changed over to Dad's house when we had discussed doing a Turkey here instead, and you said you were not that interested in the White Elephant anyway.

As for Tegan's gift. When you were in the store I asked you not to get anything too large as I have space limits in my home. You went ahead and got the bus anyway. I said I would prefer you leave it at your own home then. You got mad at me so then I went out of my way to  rearrange Tegan's entire playroom to accommodate the gift you bought her.  A while back Dad bought Tegan a giant dollhouse he wanted to leave here but I said no it had to stay at his house, for the same reason. He did not take it as an attack or a message that I don't love him, and I had hoped you would not take it as such either.  It's a matter of space, not a matter of me rejecting you or your gift. Im sorry if that is how you felt about it.

I could go on and on and try to explain myself on each of your criticisms, but I'm no longer willing to put that much energy into this. When you change facts around to suit your current mood it is very confusing to me. Your attack the other day seemed to come out of nowhere, as they often do. I am tired of walking on eggshells around you, especially around Christmas. You are my mom and I love you unconditionally. Next time you doubt that please take a breather and walk away from the email while you really think things through.  You said at the end of your attack that you felt better having said everythinf. I did not feel better, John  and Rebecca  did not feel better. When you rage at me like that it makes me not want to be around you, which is ironic as that is exactly the belief that led you to write that. It is like you made a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have always loved you, and your grandchildren love you too. Right now I need some space to heal. I do not bounce back like I used to.

Happy Chappy gave you some good links regarding communication and you are doing some of that already in your letter.  Using these communication tools can sometimes take practice.

I hope I have been of help and know other members will add their thoughts and comments as well.

Panda39

[Tr81]

Thank you so very very much for editing. It is really hard for me not to get defensive and angry with her after being attacked by her.  I know that it won't help which is why I needed someone who is not emotionally invested in this situation to help me cut out the unnecessary parts.

I feel really bewildered when she creates realities in her head that are so far from the truth. Is there a way to explain myself without leading to circular arguments?  Or do I just leave her to think whatever she thinks?

Thanks again, it really is very helpful.

[Panda39]

Or do I just leave her to think whatever she thinks?

Hi Tr81,

Sometimes this is exactly what you do.  We really can't change another person we can only change ourselves.  Sometimes it's about radical acceptance... .

Radical acceptance

Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD.  from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change.

Link to more on Radical Acceptance
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Sometimes it's in the communication style... .communicating in a way that the listener is able to hear like using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth)

Links to more information on SET
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

Other times it might be setting boundaries to protect ourselves (like you did by blocking her texts)

I know I'm throwing a lot of things at you but one more thing you might want to learn about is the Karpman Triangle. Sometimes it helps to understand the dynamics about what is going on in some of these difficult interactions with your mom.   She is demonstrating the "persecutor" role when berating you for spending time with your father  putting you in the "victim" role and at the same time wanting you to play "rescuer".  She is also playing the "victim" role forcing you into the role of "rescuer".  My guess is like many of us here you have learned to be the rescuer.  It isn't your job to rescue your mom she is an adult and her feelings are her responsibility not yours.

Karpman triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

Link to more information on the Karpman Triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0
 
Before I go I also want to point out the box to the right --> Each item listed is a link to more information (just in case I haven't already overloaded you  )  You might find the "Lessons" section a good place to start snooping around.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Turkish]

Your letter is heartfelt and tells much about your pain.  

Panda39's edits, however,  boil down to more what a pwBPD can grasp.  The "I" statements are either validating,  or communicate your boundaries in brief.  

As much as your feelings are valid in the long version of your letter,   your mother isn't likely to react other than the same way she has been doing your whole life.  Learning an alternate way of communicating may help reduce conflict.  If it helps with her,  then great.  If it doesn't (and you're not responsible for her feelings), then at least it may be a better way to assert your boundaries (which are about you) with less drama.  

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tr81,

  Should you send the letter or not ? If the letter is more to help with your frustrations than communicate issues, then I would question sending it. But if you do need to communicate then a BPD is very good at finding fault, so be a brief as possible. I think Panda 39 has given you a good edit with brevity in mind.

Also someone with BPD must be in control, so if there’s anything in that letter that doesn’t support your BPD and their fantasy thinking (that they do no wrong) it may trigger rage. Best of luck.  

[Tr81]

 Thank you again for all of your replies.   I am going to read through all of the links  suggested.  I also downloaded an audiobook called walking on eggshells that I am halfway through.  I feel like I need to take a crash course in BPD so again thank you so much for all of the information to go through.

So much of my mother's strange behaviour has been explained by BPD. For example, in the past she ended two close relationships by verbally attacking the people shortly following their cancer diagnoses. I always thought it was because she was a horrible person who completely lacked empathy but now it see it is her way of leaving them before they "abandon" her by dying.

I sent Panda's edited version of the message yesterday. My mother read it but did not respond, so I at least have prevented further attack and criticism so I thank you again for your help with the message. I hate that this has happened right before Christmas, as my daughter will want to see her Grandmother, and I do not want to keep her from seeing her, but also do not want to see her myself.  I'm not sure how to move forward from here though?

I am so glad I found this site and finally have some explanation of my mothers behaviour as well as some coping strategies.