The awfulness of having a mother with BPD

[Terreanna]

After years of isolation from family as a result of my mothers BPD I decided to reconnect with lovely cousins and aunts.  My mum is not functioning well, hasn't for years and refuses point blank to get help. Her own lies are so interwoven I don't think she knows what is real anymore. She has decided that I have betrayed her by seeing her sister (who she has never liked but who we saw a lot of for 20 years), and hence has ended her relationship with me and my husband and children.
I'm sick of wearing the blame, the burden and being the only family member left who speaks to her out of 8 siblings and 6 children.
The years do wear on you.so I'm just connecting to look for like minded souls to share the journey of separation and for support.  Unless you have a BPD parent or spouse you don't know what it is like.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Terreanna:   
I'm sorry to hear about your mom.  You will find others here who are in similar situations.  My situation is similar, but different, as I have a sister with undiagnosed BPD.  I'm currently not in contact with her (except through her lawyer).

Good for you for reaching out and establishing contact with cousins and aunts.  We look forward to hearing more about your history and current situation.  There is a lot of helpful information here that can help you process your feelings and gain understanding.  It can be similar to a grieving process to work through the feelings associated with having a BPD parent, partner or family member.

Hope you have a happy new year
 

[P.F.Change]

  Hello, Terreanna.

Thanks for you post. You've found a place where we do understand what it's like. It must hurt that your mother has decided to punish you for talking with her sister. It can be difficult for people with BPD to understand that their children can act and feel independently and are not extensions of their parents--even when their children have been adults for a long time. It says a lot about your mother's behavior that she has been unable to maintain relationships with so many family members.

We have a lot of resources here that can help you take care of your boundaries and work through the feelings you are experiencing. The Survivor's Guide in the right-hand margin is a good place to start; I also have learned a lot from the article about BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

Have you ever had an opportunity to work with a counselor? How long have you been aware your mother has BPD?

PF

[Terreanna]

Hey there

Thanks for your support.  I've known my mother has had BPD for about 20 years.  She's struggled with every relationship in her life, has ended all her family relationships and as most bp are like she blames everyone all the time.
It's been a very hard and long road.
I started to build space between us in my teens (I was her carer for some time as a child as she had/has chronic pain), and I moved away for a long time to have safe space around me to find who I was without her colouring my view.
It was then in my late teens that I saw therapists and it was very helpful.
In particularly to build my own sense of strength and self.
I am now 40, and moving into a new phase in my life and looking for calm and confidence within myself. I have faith that I'll get there.
It is good to not feel alone on the journey.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I am now 40, and moving into a new phase in my life and looking for calm and confidence within myself. I have faith that I'll get there.

Are you doing anything in particular to attain calmness?  Mindfulness, meditation, exercise, hobbies, etc?

[P.F.Change]

I am now 40, and moving into a new phase in my life and looking for calm and confidence within myself. I have faith that I'll get there.

I believe you can get there, too. It sounds like you know how to find help when you need it. I hope you'll keep posting here. The Survivor's Guide on the right can be helpful. Each step is clickable for more detail. It is good not to feel alone. We're glad you're here!