Intense Friendship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. I've never been on any support group before but I'm glad I joined this one... .

My situation is I have a friend that I strongly suspect has BPD, but I'm not sure... .She's my closest friend (I've known her for two and half years) and we've been very close since a year. We study together and we see each other outside of school too, so it's a very important and omnipresent relationship. I also have a boyfriend and other friends too... .

I'm going a little out of my mind trying to figure out if it's really BPD  or if it's something else... .Am I just imagining things and doing all this research for nothing?... .I don't mind the research, it's the limbo I don't like... .How does one know the person is probably BPD and how do you initiate a talk about that with someone?
She's very private about those things; I know she'd done a lot of therapy and there was an obsession story with an older woman in her past (when she was 15, she's now 25), but she never explains these deep issues when she shares them. Only now, certain patterns of hers are starting to affect our relationship and I'm mostly worried about her and her well-being and of course, our relationship. So, any cue here would be appreciated.

I'll try to explain a little how she is. She mostly has intense and some unstable relationships, she's afraid of being abandonned, so she disconnects first (that's the part I find the hardest), she's very emotionnal but she never cries or throws a fit, she's just feeling everything to its extent, with no second degree (even humour, she doesn't understand sarcasm or irony in others, although she is able to use it sometimes... .) And she gets tired very easily, like after a stressful exam, we will all go out for a drink and she refuses, even though I know sometimes she likes coming out with us. But after an exam like that, she says she needs to go to sleep to recharge. And sometimes, I say something very trivial, that doesn't mean anything and she takes it very personnaly, but she will not be angry, she just looks very hurt and she retreats for a while. Or sometimes, when I forget to wait for her after school, (because, we often walk together back to our respective homes, when the day is over), if I don't wait for her once, the next day in class, she'll sit super far from me, and she'll be distant. And if I go up to her and start talking, she'll answer politely, but it's like I broke something between us and I have to make extra attentions to ''win'' her back. She's never mean or blaming me though like most things I read on BPD who supposedly throws fits of rage, she never does that and I don't think she's ever hurt herself either, though there's no way to be sure... .She told me once she knew what it was to be extremely sad and that she also knew what it was like to feel beat-your-heart-out kind of joy also. Her childhood has been very difficult, with a narcissist dad and an overprotective mom, she was a unique child. She has a steady boyfriend(for 7 years) but she doesn't really like men like that, she prefers girls, although, she has never been with a girl that way.

Thank you for any cues or advices, it'd be well appreciated.
M.

[marissa22]

Hello everyone. I've never been on any support group before but I'm glad I joined this one... .

My situation is I have a friend that I strongly suspect has BPD, but I'm not sure... .She's my closest friend (I've known her for two and half years) and we've been very close since a year. We study together and we see each other outside of school too, so it's a very important and omnipresent relationship. I also have a boyfriend and other friends too... .

I'm going a little out of my mind trying to figure out if it's really BPD  or if it's something else... .Am I just imagining things and doing all this research for nothing?... .I don't mind the research, it's the limbo I don't like... .How does one know the person is probably BPD and how do you initiate a talk about that with someone?
She's very private about those things; I know she'd done a lot of therapy and there was an obsession story with an older woman in her past (when she was 15, she's now 25), but she never explains these deep issues when she shares them. Only now, certain patterns of hers are starting to affect our relationship and I'm mostly worried about her and her well-being and of course, our relationship. So, any cue here would be appreciated.

I'll try to explain a little how she is. She mostly has intense and some unstable relationships, she's afraid of being abandonned, so she disconnects first (that's the part I find the hardest), she's very emotionnal but she never cries or throws a fit, she's just feeling everything to its extent, with no second degree (even humour, she doesn't understand sarcasm or irony in others, although she is able to use it sometimes... .) And she gets tired very easily, like after a stressful exam, we will all go out for a drink and she refuses, even though I know sometimes she likes coming out with us. But after an exam like that, she says she needs to go to sleep to recharge. And sometimes, I say something very trivial, that doesn't mean anything and she takes it very personnaly, but she will not be angry, she just looks very hurt and she retreats for a while. Or sometimes, when I forget to wait for her after school, (because, we often walk together back to our respective homes, when the day is over), if I don't wait for her once, the next day in class, she'll sit super far from me, and she'll be distant. And if I go up to her and start talking, she'll answer politely, but it's like I broke something between us and I have to make extra attentions to ''win'' her back. She's never mean or blaming me though like most things I read on BPD who supposedly throws fits of rage, she never does that and I don't think she's ever hurt herself either, though there's no way to be sure... .She told me once she knew what it was to be extremely sad and that she also knew what it was like to feel beat-your-heart-out kind of joy also. Her childhood has been very difficult, with a narcissist dad and an overprotective mom, she was a unique child. She has a steady boyfriend(for 7 years) but she doesn't really like men like that, she prefers girls, although, she has never been with a girl that way.

Thank you for any cues or advices, it'd be well appreciated.
M.

[Notwendy]

Many of us here don't have a professional diagnosis for the pwBPD, but the behaviors are obvious and cause distress in close relationships. We attempt to understand them in order to deal with them better. But our aim is understanding, not making a diagnosis. We are not professionals. Even if we are not entirely sure, if we learn the tools for dealing with the person- and our own issues as well- and they help- that is the best we can do.

It is hard to tell if your friend has BPD or not. BPD can also exist on a spectrum and she may have some traits. I think many of us agree that it isn't a good idea to sit down with the person to tell them they might have BPD. Consider that your research is for you- to help you understand your friend.

Some of the behaviors- like being too worn out after exams to be social- are normal for introverted and sensitive people. Your friend has learned to manage her stress by going home and resting. That is OK.

She may fear abandonment- and push you away, but that can be seen in people who have been hurt before by others.

I think her sexual orientation is for her to figure out. I think in time she will.

While you can't diagnose her, if she does come to you for help with her emotional issues, or confusion with sexual orientation ,you can refer her to counseling. If you two are on a campus in the US, most colleges have student health counseling centers.

Keep posting and learning. It is clear that you care about your friend and hope to understand her better.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome marissa22:  
I'm sorry you are struggling with your friendship.  It's generally best to not try and diagnose someone or pursue a conversation with them about BPD.  The label doesn't really matter.  The best strategy is to learn various skills and strategy to apply to BPD type behaviors.

People with BPD (pwBPD) don't all fit into one mold.  Many have co-morbid conditions (bipolar, anxiety disorders, depression, etc.).  Issues with BPD range from low-functioning, high-functioning to having strong BPD traits.  It is when a certain number of behaviors are combined, the label is attached.  

Sounds like you have recognized some issues, like "fear of abandonment" and some challenges with handling stress.  

There are a lot of good lessons here on communication skills.  These skills will be helpful to use with your friend, but they are, also, good to use in everyday life and the knowledge can increase a person's emotional intelligence.

At the very top of this page, there is a wide green band.  Within the band is a "Tools" menu.  That is a good place to start with some lessons.  The info. on ":)on't be Invalidating" can be a good place to start.

You can't change your friend.  What you can change is the way you interact with her and react to her.  That can make for a better relationship.  Check out some of the lessons in the "Tools" menu and let us know what you think.  Some people find it helpful to discuss some of the skills, as they try to apply them to a real situation.  Let us know what you think, and feel free to ask more questions.

[marissa22]

Thank you for your thoughts... .it's nice to know that she might just be an introvert who feels a lot and struggled a lot growing up... .

I will keep reading from time to time but since a a couple of days, I've been trying to not take it personnaly when she retreats and it seems to help, it seems to soothe her too and I'm definitely in a better place, so I'll keep heading towards that... .