Struggling with ending a friendship

[Lena86]

Hi Everyone ---

I'm new here, and I know this isn't exactly about a romantic relationship, but I was hoping maybe you guys might still have some insights?

For the past several years, I was friends with someone who I suspect might have BPD, or at least displays many of the symptoms. She has always had problems dealing with her anger, and I think she feels pretty powerless in her life, so to a certain extent she saw me as one of the only things she had control over in her life. She claims that she "doesn't believe" in therapists, and refuses to see one, even though family members have suggested she seek some sort of counseling. I struggle with depression and have had trouble creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in my relationships. I'm a people pleaser, and I want people to like me, although I've been working on these personal issues for a while now.

Anyway, she had the tendency to blow up at me when she's particularly upset about another area in her life, or if I'm doing something she doesn't want me to do. One time, for example, I went to visit some other friends out of state and I told her I might not be around as much to answer texts or whatever that week, because I was traveling. This must have pressed several buttons because she exploded in anger and berated me for hours about how terrible a person I was and how I was so inconsiderate to tell her that I was traveling when no one comes to see her, etc, etc, etc. Another time, she didn't think I was being sympathetic enough to her, so she spent the entire evening telling me all of my flaws. Apparently she was angry at me that I made her a Christmas present instead of buying her something at a store, so she spent a lot of time telling me how unacceptable my gift was, and how much better she was because she spent money on me. At the time I was basically working a glorified internship and had to live at home with my parents because I couldn't even afford monthly rent, all of which she knew. After that last argument, I tried to detach, because of how horrible she made me feel about my self. I had (and continue to have) self esteem issues, and I spent a lot of time questioning all of my relationships, because of what she said. In time, she apologized for her actions, said she didn't mean anything she said, and then accused me of being manipulative, because she had apologized and I still didn't want to be around her. That accusation broke down my willpower, and I let her back into my life. (I know, I know, big mistake)

So fast forward to the beginning of this year. In the intervening time, she would blow up at me from time to time, but it was nothing that I couldn't handle, and I took her behavior in stride. But something changed around New Year's, and she started becoming emotionally abusive again. She would begin a conversation by being really passive aggressive, trying to trap me into saying something that would start a fight. And when that didn't always work, she would just plow ahead into a fight anyway. She always claimed she put everything into our friendship, which I did nothing, that she was so much more giving than I was and so on, basically implying I was a terrible friend. I kept on asking her what I could do to improve, what she wanted from me, what she needed from me to make her happy (people pleaser, remember?), and she never had an answer for me. I think she needed attention, and the only way she could think of to get it was to fight.

After four months of basically arguing with her every other week, I had to let go. I was losing sleep, thinking about our arguments and I knew this relationship wasn't healthy for either of us. So I told her that I had to leave the friendship, that I couldn't handle her behavior and that the constant fighting had been deeply emotionally trying for me. She had basically been emotionally abusing me for a long while now, trying to control me, and punishing me whenever I didn't act how she wanted me to. At one point she even told me that I made her treat me the way she did, because I wasn't like her other friends. I didn't really realize it was emotional abuse at the time, which is part of the reason I stayed as long as I did.

It's been about six months since I told her I needed space, and since then she's basically been trashing me to everyone she knows, including writing vitriolic screeds about me on her blog on about a weekly basis. In one breath, she accuses me of being toxic, of being a horrible person who just ignores her sincere apologies, of playing the victim, even though she's the one who can't stop talking about how she believes she's been mistreated. But in the next breath she calls me her best friend and claims she doesn't have any friends and doesn't deserve good friends. I know I should completely avoid anything to do with her, but my curiosity gets the best of me, and I find myself on her blog. I'm torn too, because I resent her character assassination, but it's also almost funny how myopic she is, and how everything she accuses me of being is exactly who she is.

And I guess I also feel guilty about how things ended. I know I wasn't as diplomatic as I could have been, and I let my pain get the best of me at times. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't right, if I am a really horrible, toxic person. She's the only friend who's ever treated me this way, but I also wonder if I deserved exactly what I got and if I continue to deserve the things she's saying about me to anyone who will listen. Sometimes this seems so petty, and I know I'm happier not being at her beck and call, but the guilt still creeps in and this whole situation still really hurts.

Thanks for listening (or, reading, I guess), and I appreciate any insights. Again, sorry to post this in the relationship category.

[Hisaccount]

You deserve non of that. Nobody does.
Don't feel guilty. Do you really want people like that in your life?

Therapist told me once that is a relationship is causing you stress or grief then cut it from your life and move on. Nobody needs that.

[Mutt]

Hi Lena86,



I'd like to join Hisaccount and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. It's sad when you end a long term r/s, but you had your reasons to end it.

It's been about six months since I told her I needed space, and since then she's basically been trashing me to everyone she knows, including writing vitriolic screeds about me on her blog on about a weekly basis.

That's an ego wound, a pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection. Not all is lost from this friendship, this is a huge opportunity for growth for you, there's a lot that you can learn about yourself that will help you with other r/s's down the road.

I'm a depressive too, I'm just speaking about myself when I say this but depression can be toxic when you're in a depressive mood and self absorbed. A friendship is give and take, don't take the lion's share of the blame because of your friend's wounded ego.

[Lena86]

Hi Hisaccount and Mutt, thanks for your comments. 

Mutt, I would agree with you re:depression, and I felt like this friendship had become very co-dependent by the end. That was one of the reasons I knew it had to end, because we were not good for each other. I think my issues could be very trying for her, but instead of dealing with it in an adult manner, and having an honest discussion, her response was to be passive aggressive and to rage. The hardest thing for me is that inability to have a meeting of the minds, to stand on a level playing field and have an honest conversation. Her default response is to fight and to wound as deeply as possible, and after a while I can't keep arguing with her, because the point of the argument is never to fix the relationship, it's to take her anger out on the only person who put up with her crap. I do recognize that it's not all her fault and I don't think the friendship was healthy for either of us, which I communicated to her. My hope for her, I guess, is that she is able to learn from this, as I am trying to, but her anger continues to consume her, which is unfortunate.

[Circle]

Hi Lena,
I haven't read the replies; just the original post.
Anyhow, I'm glad to hear that you are pulling up the stakes and walking away.
It takes time to realize that if we don't look out for ourselves, no one else will.
Being strong and standing up for yourself does not make you bad.
You have given this person much patience and compassion.
Perhaps too much.
It might be a cue that this is an issue for you; being overly compassionate to people
who treat you badly  .
Personally, I am getting to the point, where I want to start taking people's actions
into account; take notice of what they have done. And, I want to begin to let go of
those people whose actions, or lack of, show that they don't value me.