He won't stop and leave me alone

[Inneedofhelp]

I think I have sought advice on this topic, but still really struggling with this-and it is getting worse so I am looking for any supportive suggestions. After 6 long years of separation from my hwBPD (undiagnosed and in denial) I have finally come out of the FOG and need to finalize the divorce (started a few months ago but he stalled and think it might be part of why his behaviors have intensified) and take measures to distance myself from his pain, rage and verbal abuse-including threats when he gets really in raging.
I am ready to completely detach and would consider NC options-have even suggested that to him but he gets really abusive then like tonight when he asks me why am I walking away and kicking him to the curb when I can tell he is struggling. He said I am so awful and lacking compassion. I am ready to not listen to this anymore because I know all that I have done for him since the day we met more than 20 years ago-I know I have been in the caretaker role and he so completely depends on my assistance and support that he cannot soothe himself and cannot now cope that I am not running to his rescue. He has convinced me to let him borrow money to the point that I am now struggling (because he has not paid it back) and he has said every mean horrible name to me when I am not holding him and saying I will take care of him.
The 2 main problems I have are: we have 2 children (8 and 12) so he thinks that they are an excuse to keep me near him and if I tell him we can parent individually he tells me I am hurting his relationship with his kids... .that's when the rage comes up because he blames me for this situation when in reality it was his repeated affairs that caused our initial separation. The other problem is that he will not leave me alone. He shows up at my house saying he is struggling-I tell him no and he threatens me that I am harming him. I ask him to leave and he swears at me and tells me I should not be so petty when his world is collapsing and I'm the reason for it. Over the last week, with advice from this site, reading more on BPD and boundary setting, I have told him that enough is enough and I need to back off from the interactions. He throws a tantrum, calls me repeatedly and disregards my requests for distance. Again he thinks he has the right to be around me because of the kids. If I dare to say that I don't want to listen to him rant or pick up my phone in the middle of the night, he gets angry and tells me literally "you aren't my mother. You can't tell me what to do". I don't want to get caught in the BPD circular communication so I tell him that I can say no or stop if it is negatively affecting my well being.
What can I do to make him stop and let me go. I crave peace, calm, solitude.

[stayingsteady]

Hi Inneedofhelp,

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with this sensitive situation.  It can be really difficult dealing with what you are going through.  Reading your post I feel you are making some good choices.  You've begun identifying certain behaviors that are affecting the well being of you and your children and you've begun setting boundaries in regards to those behaviors.  Both are really great things.

For individuals with traits of BPD, a perception of being abandoned can be an excruciating thing to deal with.  I believe this fear may be the trigger of his escalated actions.  This doesn't mean we shouldn't leave when we've decided it is the best choice for our well being, but understanding what may be contributing to the escalated behaviors can help ease the separation, for both you and your husband.

Unfortunately, due to your husbands current emotional state, there is an increased likelihood he will use manipulative behaviors such as those you mentioned in your post.  I know you mentioned your husband is using his relationship with his children as a current tool.  Have you thought about particular boundaries you could develop that could prevent this from occurring?  If so, what would this look like?

Hoping for the best for you and your children,

- Staying Steady