Fear + avoiding my old haunts

[beggarsblanket]

I fear my ex, and I have purposefully been avoiding my/our old haunts for the past several months. I fear her to the point that I had a panic attack on the one occasion when I accidentally bumped into her in public. On that occasion I pretended to be so engrossed in my book that I hadn't noticed her. The fact is I was shaking so badly that I couldn't conceal it.

Friends who know what I'm going through have allowed me to use their home for the past four months to do my work (writing and research), but I can't sustain this. I can't live in fear. I have lived in this city for most of my life. This is my home.

Last week I asked a few people close to me if they would help me reclaim my old haunts, i.e. by accompanying me to the places I've been avoiding. These are places I've been going to for years, places where she and I spent a lot of time. I'm not too concerned about bumping into her. Most of my haunts are not places she visited prior to meeting me. I just want to reclaim these spaces emotionally for myself, face the fear, associate them with new and happy memories, etc.

There are a few of my old haunts where I am more likely to see her. I feel such a powerful fear just driving in the neighborhood that I won't be reclaiming them any time soon.

I am moving on from this woman. I am detaching. Overcoming my fear seems to me like an important step in that process. If you have any insights into this, please share them.

[enlighten me]

I totally get where your coming from. I too was triggered by places. Over time that has disappeared. Getting your friends to go with you is a good idea. By making new memories you will overwrite the old.

Have you looked at PTSD? The severity of your reaction on bumping into sounds a bit like you could be suffering from it.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

I'm certain that I had some form of PTSD from my relationship with my exgf. Once I realised this then I dealt with it. Now I don't have any issues (well at least not to do with her triggering me) and I see her four times a week.

[ItsVal]

I too have the same 'fear', I just can't bring myself to go anywhere anymore without fearing bumping in to her. Last weekend I had no choice and did see her and I was a mess, tried to hide it as best I could but it ended up in a disaster!

I can't even post anything on my facebook without fearing some sort of reacting (even though I have blocked her on all my social media, last weekend I post one picture of me and the kid having quality time together and well not an hour later she responded furiously) I still have to write up the events and post them here but haven't found the courage yet to do it ... .

I have no real advice but can only say I know how you feel!

[stimpy]

I know exactly where you are coming from, though my situation is a little different. I moved to a new city, barely knew a soul and met my exuBPDgf almost immediately. So a lot of my first memories of this new city were totally tied in to the relationship I had with her.

So when she discarded me, returning to the places we used to go to was very triggering. But my view was to not be beaten by this, to keep going to those places and to create new memories to overwrite the old ones.

There was one very special haunt of ours, a great cycle route she and I used to take and I remember going back onto it about a month after she discarded me. When I got home, I was a wreck, tears, sobbing, the works. But I carried on using this route, to build new memories and to reclaim it for me. Recently, I've been using it most weeks and the triggering has pretty much stopped and it is a neutral location to me again, it is in a sense, mine again. And that awful power she used to have over my thoughts and feelings is now a much more distant memory.  More like a normal ex would be.

What I fear most now is either her trying to recycle me or making a come back into my social group. She disappeared about 6 months ago, and I have been No Contact, but still at the back of my mind is that fear of her making some sort of return. I suppose that is a scenario that with luck will never play out. But still it is a cause of some anxiety, and I can see no solution to that unfortunately.