Case of the "What if's"? Know better? My small take on the subject

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Soo... .I haven't been to a therapist, but during the holidays I spoke with one for a while. My first cousin is the head of a county public school psychology department in a U.S state(go cuz!). I went through the actions and then all of the crazy making excuses for those actions of my uexBPDgf. A summary which is getting more and more ridiculous looking back. Being stuck(although getting better)on my own accused of mistakes(we could all have done things different in any relationship retrospectively) my cousin gave me some advise.
  
  I have to say my other cousin(psychologists brother) is getting over a relationship with a similar experience but that included violence from his girlfriend where as mine used cutting remarks and the silent treatment.
Both cheated with baffling excuses(our fault)
My ex never thought what she did was cheating(word play) and also thought I always was.
 
  My cousin is as sure as he can be without treating her in a professional atmosphere that my ex was extremely disturbed. He said two things that hit me hard. My memories are like the reverse of the movie "500 days of summer" in that I remember mostly the odd parts first and the good times second. but here is what he said summarized

A) I'm not talking as your psychologist because as a psychologist I couldn't just tell you what to do, but I will say that like my brother you seem to just wish that she wasn't disordered. You need to recognize this isn't helpful for you. It can be hard for any person to change, and it is extremely complicated for a person with a mental illness to change without being conscious of the issue and then through doing the work.

B) I want you to think about and understand that mental illness can be beautiful. A lot of amazing artists have had mental disturbances and they have been seen as very beautiful inside and out but that doesn't changed that their interpersonal relationships suffered. Were you prepared to be with the female version of Van Gogh? Would you want to be on guard for the rest of your life? You got sucked into the chaos and looked past your own mental health. Again you just wish she wasn't disordered, so you excuse all the things she did and are putting it on yourself for not playing the perfect match(sports reference). You were in her world, trying to see it within the basic framework of reason she didn't subscribe to.

  I am lucky in that I was extremely detailed with my boundaries in the beginning and know that she plowed right over them. Every reaction became less coherent though, and I look back on a million times I wish I had slowly explained what hurt me(and most anybody) like I had in the beginning, but the changes if any were always glacial. Only on occasion did I see any recognition of my words. I lean towards eastern philosophy and can't seem to get back to knowing I absolutely can't change the past. I also blame myself for not explaining well enough that you have to learn from the past and what can hurt others, and then do what you can to improve. I am still fooling myself that the weakened person toward the end of the relationship could have communicated this.

[Octy]

Soo... .I haven't been to a therapist, but during the holidays I spoke with one for a while. My first cousin is the head of a county public school psychology department in a U.S state(go cuz!). I went through the actions and then all of the crazy making excuses for those actions of my uexBPDgf. A summary which is getting more and more ridiculous looking back. Being stuck(although getting better)on my own accused of mistakes(we could all have done things different in any relationship retrospectively) my cousin gave me some advise.
  
  I have to say my other cousin(psychologists brother) is getting over a relationship with a similar experience but that included violence from his girlfriend where as mine used cutting remarks and the silent treatment.
Both cheated with baffling excuses(our fault)
My ex never thought what she did was cheating(word play) and also thought I always was.
 
  My cousin is as sure as he can be without treating her in a professional atmosphere that my ex was extremely disturbed. He said two things that hit me hard. My memories are like the reverse of the movie "500 days of summer" in that I remember mostly the odd parts first and the good times second. but here is what he said summarized

A) I'm not talking as your psychologist because as a psychologist I couldn't just tell you what to do, but I will say that like my brother you seem to just wish that she wasn't disordered. You need to recognize this isn't helpful for you. It can be hard for any person to change, and it is extremely complicated for a person with a mental illness to change without being conscious of the issue and then through doing the work.

B) I want you to think about and understand that mental illness can be beautiful. A lot of amazing artists have had mental disturbances and they have been seen as very beautiful inside and out but that doesn't changed that their interpersonal relationships suffered. Were you prepared to be with the female version of Van Gogh? Would you want to be on guard for the rest of your life? You got sucked into the chaos and looked past your own mental health. Again you just wish she wasn't disordered, so you excuse all the things she did and are putting it on yourself for not playing the perfect match(sports reference). You were in her world, trying to see it within the basic framework of reason she didn't subscribe to.

  I am lucky in that I was extremely detailed with my boundaries in the beginning and know that she plowed right over them. Every reaction became less coherent though, and I look back on a million times I wish I had slowly explained what hurt me(and most anybody) like I had in the beginning, but the changes if any were always glacial. Only on occasion did I see any recognition of my words. I lean towards eastern philosophy and can't seem to get back to knowing I absolutely can't change the past. I also blame myself for not explaining well enough that you have to learn from the past and what can hurt others, and then do what you can to improve. I am still fooling myself that the weakened person toward the end of the relationship could have communicated this.

[fromheeltoheal]

The two points your cousin makes are both good octy, do you agree with them?  Do you wish that she wasn't disordered?  Can you separate her world from yours and see the differences?

[Rayban]

Those are very interesting points that make so much sense.  Thinking about  it, I don't think I would have been with her if she wasn't disordered. 

I met her at a time when a woman of her age with the charisma and beauty and intelligence she exudes would have been in a loving relationship with someone else a longtime ago.

I choose to see it as a red flag to look for in the future.

[Octy]

The two points your cousin makes are both good octy, do you agree with them?  :)o you wish that she wasn't disordered?  Can you separate her world from yours and see the differences?

If I relate even the first two months of the story I get looks like what the heck were you doing staying with her. If I continue, I get either "you dodged a bullet" from the wise, or a look like I must be crazy to have stayed from everyone else.

In the immediate aftermath I was told by my aunt(a child psychologist, I know, they're everywhere in my family and it's almost the first time I've noticed) to stop excusing her because of a disorder. That I was one of the most caring and honest people she knew and didn't deserve the accusations as my ex continued to impulsively do what she accused me of doing, over and over. That I was lucky to have found out everything before getting any further,  but I convinced her that I needed to understand and be compationate, or else I might  continue to blame myself or else have almost hate in my heart for my her.

She is 8 out of 9 on the DSM in my completely unprofessional opinion minus the self harm/suicidal thoughts, but my cousin said self harm can be in many forms. If she wasn't disordered then she is a lier, cheater, intentional manipulator, masochist, and malicious person so why did I want to be with her? What was my own malfunction?
 
In the context of the conversation I believe he knew that I still would want her back and that I continue to blame myself, but that what I want back wasn't what she was. That only if she was well would my moments of different actions have changed much. I either have hope that she was what she wasn't(well)or can't get it through my head that I couldn't fix her disorder(he uses DBT in his schools) myself. I knew nothing about BPD yet(I actually thought she had disassociative disorder with her multiple takes on things moment to moment).
Her "world" was only open to those close to her and I had seen the madness, yet I still tried to conform to the impossible.

She once said that I wished she'd get in an accident and become crippled so that I could leave her. Towards the end these were everyday random thoughts. OUT OF NOWHERE. She was cheating and stalking me, yet If my phone was charging I was up to something. She was caught red-handed(she left a browser open) yet I was reading things wrong(verbatim would have worked with these messages in court). I'm rambling, but here is where I'm supposed to right?