my dil might have BPD

[maggiemom]

Hello,
First post - not sure how to proceed, so I'll just give a brief overview of my situation. My 30 something son is married to a woman who's much older. We accepted her from the very beginning. At first we were very close. As time progressed she became angry over things I didn't really understand. There was always a grain of truth to her accusations, but her reaction seemed extreme. Now, after six years and a devolving relationship, my son has asked us not to contact them at all. They need space to work through their issues, and we seem to be part of the problem. I can hear her words when he explains it all to us. I can't believe this is happening - he has always been so close to us. We agreed, and have not contacted him in over a month. Tonight, New Years Eve, she texted me out of the blue, with more irrational accusations.

What I want is to maintain a relationship with my son. I'm willing to have a relationship with her as well. I actually care about her, and wish I could help her. I feel my son is confused and overwhelmed, and ends up enabling her. When she gets mad at me, he is punished. We are in a no-win situation, and I don't know what to do. Do I respond to her? Ignore her? Confront her? Apologize? I feel lost.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi maggiemom,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can see how difficult that would feel if you're son is in no contact with his family. First, don't validate the invalid if she's making accusations, don't respond. You're split black for the time being, I suggest to weather the storm. You're son is probably split black too, my guess is that there was probably some sort of conflict on New Year's between the two and she's lashing out at whoever will respond to sooth her feelings.

A pwBPD don't see people as an integrated whole, they see you as either all good or all bad. A good person has ba qualities and a bad person has good qualities. It's a defense mechanism that protects the ego from anxiety and stress.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

The lessons are on the right side of the board. Read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. The behaviors are not personal to us, I would try validation and communication tools like SET when you do respond back. A pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self loath, it helps to validate feelings first and package your truth at the end.

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

SET is not limited to a pwBPD, you can use it with people that are HSP ( highly, sensitive, people )

[maggiemom]

Hi Mutt,
Thanks for your response. Your comment about not responding helps a lot. That is my strategy for the moment. My goal is to not make things worse for my son, and its hard to know the right steps to take.

I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I will start going through the lessons you mentioned. Hopefully it will all help.

[Mutt]

Hi maggiemom,

My goal is to not make things worse for my son, and its hard to know the right steps to take.

It's difficult to get pratical advise in real life if the people that you confide in have not had this type of behavioral directed at them. If it's directed at you, unless you're trained for it, you can't tell that the person suffers from a serious mental illness. BPD is stormy interpersonal r/s's, if you don't have a r/s, you can't tell.

I recall seeking advice from family and friends, the advise was sound, compassionate and they meant well but it didn't help. The advise was helpful if the person was non disoredered.

It helps to start a thread here and get different advise from people that have Simone in their lives with BPD.

You take everyone's advise, you can learn a lot from reading different discussions too, pick the bones out of it, use what's practical for you and your situation. We're all here to help each other.

[drained1996]

Hi maggiemom,

I wanted to echo some of Mutt's suggestions... .definitely a good thing to post issues, thought, questions etc to get input from those of us who have experienced those things.  Like he said, you can pick the good bones out that fit your situation.  As he also mentioned... .speaking about the details of such things with those who have never experienced dealing with a personality disorder (PD) can be counterproductive at times... .they simply cannot understand.  It's great to see you are looking through the tools and lessons provided here, as well as reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  You may also think about getting the advice of a therapist adept at dealing with PD's... .many of us here have, and found they can be worth their weight in gold.  We are so sorry you are having to deal with these circumstances, but glad you were able to find us.  We are here to walk with you.  Keep posting... .I learned the more I posted the more I got in return.