Third cancelled Christmas

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This Christmas my Mom went nuts again. It's happened before with my Mom. She's kicked me out of her house on Christmas twice, and she also missed my wedding, graduation, and my daughter's baptism. She tends to completely flip out about something really small, and then sever ties for some time. This Christmas she was angry because she said that I changed plans, and I didn't tell her I would not be at her house on Christmas Day for dinner. (Several weeks before Christmas, I told her of my plans to spend Christmas Eve and morning with her, and go see my Dad in the afternoon on Christmas Day. They are divorced, and I always try to see both of them during the holidays.) I thought, maybe, there had been some miscommunication, but my sister heard me detail the plans, too. My Mom called me, screaming into the telephone, and told me she couldn't handle it when plans change like this, and I should just go be with my father because we deserve each other. Then, she kicked my sister and my sister's fiance (both are from out of town) out of her house because they had the same plans as I did.

After all that, I gave it a day and called my Mom to see if she had chilled out. She let it go to vm, and I left a message asking what her plans for Christmas Eve dinner were. She sent me a message that said she cancelled dinner because of the "schedule changes." I told her that I found it cruel and vindictive that she would cancel all Christmas plans because we were going to see my father, and I told her that my relationship with her would change in the future because of her marked tendency to sabotage special occasions. This was my first Christmas without my daughter. (My daughter was at her Dad's house this Christmas due to a new custody settlement.) I was depending on my Mom for some support because it was painful to be separated from my child at Christmas, but that didn't happen. In the end I was relieved that my daughter wasn't here to see the drama.

Two days after Christmas my Mom called and told me she is sorry, and that she almost checked into the hospital because her mental state had deteriorated so much, but she had a vacation to go on and couldn't miss that. Then, she said her husband (a physician) wrote her a prescription for an antidepressant, and she was sure that would really help. She wants to go to therapy with me sometime, when she gets back in town, so we can work on our relationship.  She wants to go see a psychiatrist, but she hasn't made an appointment yet.

I'm not sure I can emotionally handle our relationship anymore. I also don't know that I want my mother around my child. I am so relieved that my daughter wasn't here to witness Christmas, and I'm just hoping to find a way to for us to keep our distance from my mother without fighting with her. I don't want to cause my mother any additional pain, but I need to keep my daughter away from this drama. I would be more willing to work on things with my Mom if I saw her make a commitment to therapy and to seeing an actual psychiatrist, but she never has before. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

[Leaflet]

This Christmas my Mom went nuts again. It's happened before with my Mom. She's kicked me out of her house on Christmas twice, and she also missed my wedding, graduation, and my daughter's baptism. She tends to completely flip out about something really small, and then sever ties for some time. This Christmas she was angry because she said that I changed plans, and I didn't tell her I would not be at her house on Christmas Day for dinner. (Several weeks before Christmas, I told her of my plans to spend Christmas Eve and morning with her, and go see my Dad in the afternoon on Christmas Day. They are divorced, and I always try to see both of them during the holidays.) I thought, maybe, there had been some miscommunication, but my sister heard me detail the plans, too. My Mom called me, screaming into the telephone, and told me she couldn't handle it when plans change like this, and I should just go be with my father because we deserve each other. Then, she kicked my sister and my sister's fiance (both are from out of town) out of her house because they had the same plans as I did.

After all that, I gave it a day and called my Mom to see if she had chilled out. She let it go to vm, and I left a message asking what her plans for Christmas Eve dinner were. She sent me a message that said she cancelled dinner because of the "schedule changes." I told her that I found it cruel and vindictive that she would cancel all Christmas plans because we were going to see my father, and I told her that my relationship with her would change in the future because of her marked tendency to sabotage special occasions. This was my first Christmas without my daughter. (My daughter was at her Dad's house this Christmas due to a new custody settlement.) I was depending on my Mom for some support because it was painful to be separated from my child at Christmas, but that didn't happen. In the end I was relieved that my daughter wasn't here to see the drama.

Two days after Christmas my Mom called and told me she is sorry, and that she almost checked into the hospital because her mental state had deteriorated so much, but she had a vacation to go on and couldn't miss that. Then, she said her husband (a physician) wrote her a prescription for an antidepressant, and she was sure that would really help. She wants to go to therapy with me sometime, when she gets back in town, so we can work on our relationship.  She wants to go see a psychiatrist, but she hasn't made an appointment yet.

I'm not sure I can emotionally handle our relationship anymore. I also don't know that I want my mother around my child. I am so relieved that my daughter wasn't here to witness Christmas, and I'm just hoping to find a way to for us to keep our distance from my mother without fighting with her. I don't want to cause my mother any additional pain, but I need to keep my daughter away from this drama. I would be more willing to work on things with my Mom if I saw her make a commitment to therapy and to seeing an actual psychiatrist, but she never has before. I'm just not sure where to go from here.

[Kwamina]

Hi Leaflet

Welcome to  bpdfamily

I am sorry Christmas turned out this way for you. This was already difficult for you since you did not have your daughter with you and your mother's behavior unfortunately only made it more difficult.

It seems your mother really does not handle the big or special occasions very well. Do you think this might be because she is unable to deal with the stress of these occasions or do you think there is another reason for her behavior?

Knowing what you know about your mother, I understand your concerns and think it is wise that you want to shield your daughter from your mother's hurtful behavior.

Your mother has never gone to therapy before, but now has expressed wanting to see a psychiatrist. Is this the first time she has expressed any kind of willingness to get help?

The Board Parrot

[Leaflet]

Hello! 

My Mom has expressed an interest in therapy before, but she usually only goes once or twice. If the therapist suggests she might need to change something about her behavior, my Mom gets really angry and won't go back. So, I'm waiting to see if she makes the appointment, and then continues to go.

Special occasions do seem to be especially difficult for her. She's frequently voiced that she does not feel appreciated enough on special occasions. She gives lavish gifts, but then expects us to focus on her for the entire occasion. If we don't focus on her she seems to fall into either a rage or the silent treatment. This year  She told my sister that no one appreciates her and my father and I are scheming against her. (We're not.) I offer to do the special occasions, but she does not usually want me to. She gets very upset if any out-of-town family comes to my house or sees me without her present. She wants everyone to stay at her house and follow her schedule. So, it's tough. Sometimes her schedule won't work.

Thanks for your response and understanding!