Introduction

[Tram]

Why not... . 
Having been in a romantic as well as parental relationship with a partner for way over ten years with what I - now - believe to be considerable BPD-traits and despite some small progress made, I begin to feel the burn out... .really avoiding a separation for what I believe my kids best interest to be.
I'm fairly certain that my partner's mother not only has a degree of PTSD but also, probably more characteristics of a BPD and my partner continues madely seeking the approval that cannot be had from this person.
Not only has all this very negatively effected our relationship, I am now also watching rather helplessly how the relationship to her only brother is being poisoned. I begin to see effects in my kids behaviour towards their mother and try balancing things out a lot.
Her relationship to my parents, who tried to be very supportive of her, is broken.
I have work experience in mental health and still did not get it for the better part of a decade.
I intend to do a lot of reading while working full-time, therefore expect my a activity level to be lowish for now.
Thanks for your time and happy New Year.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi tram,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can see how emotionally draining a r/s with a pwBPD would be. It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics at play here, I'd suggest to set boundaries on yourself and step back from the things that you personally can't repair. What do you do for self care?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[drained1996]

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  Sorry you've found us under such difficult circumstances.  Having a loved one with traits of BPD can be very emotionally, mentally and physically draining... .notice my user name... .I understand!  What are some of the day to day issues you face regularly?
Keep posting, sharing can be cathartic!

[Tram]

Dear Mutt, dear drained, thanks for the welcome and willingness to help.
There are a number of further complicating circumstances involved, which I hope to be able to describe some day soon.

Fortunately I have been able to initiate - so I'd like to think - some changes, most importantly have I managed to stop 'walking on eggshells', to disengaged from the spread of fear and emotional blackmail and stopped the endurance/ toleration of verbal abuse and denigration.

Small progress has been made through this and therapy over 4 years, ever so slowly... .

Our relationship is a shell - which is a relative improvement.

If I didn't still consider the likely damage of a separation to my kids greater than potential benefits, I'd be long gone.
I was too deluded, naive and co-dependent / grandiose when there was still time many years ago.

The reason why I'm having a different go at this by "being here", is my Partner's, let's call her Q, fresh splitting, controlling, undermining intimidatory activities regarding her only brother and his family.
Our family consists only of these branches and Q has usually idealized her brother and disliked his wife.
Recently however, Q re-engage with her fatally toxic, self-isolating, narcissistic, BPD-ish and traumatised mother across continents, spending thousands of dollars towards what was completely predictably going to fail within a short period of time.
Since her brother expressed his annoyance about her doings at some point and refused to be to be dragged back into the mess, Q is now quasi (I'm working on the clarification) forbidding me and the kid to see them and their cousins - and I intend to not co-operate with that.
I felt however that I needed a lot more "grounding" and possibly feedback ie here to help me negotiate this to be prepared for the inevitable backlash.

Sofar I have been doing a lot of reading during the limited time I have and I realise that my situation is complicated.

Thanks for listening, cheers

[Tram]

[... .]  What are some of the day to day issues you face regularly?
[... .]

Just quickly: rage, screaming, verbal abuse, emotional flooding anfpd blackmail, splitting devaluation, extreme distortion of memory / representation, complete external locus of control, attempts to control and accusation of attempt to control her when that is resisted, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde like presentation, anxiety, insecurity, poor sense of identity, imagined rejection, complete lack of recollection of own extreme actions ie locking me out in the back yard after deliberately slamming the door right into my face... .
Unfortunately I really need to go to bed. Thanks for your time!