How to get my BPD mother to seek help?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello Everyone!
I am a 20 year old college student, who is a psychology major. One day in my abnormal psychology class we learned about BPD. That day after class, I went back to my dorm and kept doing research on BPD until I was in tears. The mystery was finally solved. That, I thought, is my mother. My mother is an emotional rollercoaster, and I kind of see her like a ticking time bomb. You never know when she's going to go off next, but you're always bracing for it and doing your best not to be the one to set it off. Almost every night I have nightmares about my mother. In these dreams the bomb has gone off and I am the number one victim. I've known for a long time that my mother must suffer from some form of mental illness, although it was not until recently that I could put a name on it. Unfortunately, she is not aware of this. She refuses to admit that she has a problem, and finds a way to blame anyone but herself for her issues. Myself and other family have tried to gently bring up the idea of therapy, but it only results in the bomb exploding. How are you supposed to bring someone to therapy if one of their main problems is denial? Apparently she did go see a therapist once. Unfortunately, after she told the therapist all of her sob stories about how awful everyone in the world was, the therapist said "Oh my goodness. You poor thing. You are definitely not the one who needs therapy. It's your abusive family members." I hope this post doesn't sound too derogatory. I love my mother so much. I hate how much pain this terrible disease causes her. All I want is for her to be able to live a normal happy life, with healthy relationships. I feel that therapy would be a great way to solve this. What can I do? How can I help her? I thought maybe I could try making her go to family therapy with me (which would be tricky since I no longer live at home). Maybe if I framed it the right way, laying most of the blame and problems on myself, she would agree to go. I just don't know how to help.

[colormerainbow]

Hello Everyone!
I am a 20 year old college student, who is a psychology major. One day in my abnormal psychology class we learned about BPD. That day after class, I went back to my dorm and kept doing research on BPD until I was in tears. The mystery was finally solved. That, I thought, is my mother. My mother is an emotional rollercoaster, and I kind of see her like a ticking time bomb. You never know when she's going to go off next, but you're always bracing for it and doing your best not to be the one to set it off. Almost every night I have nightmares about my mother. In these dreams the bomb has gone off and I am the number one victim. I've known for a long time that my mother must suffer from some form of mental illness, although it was not until recently that I could put a name on it. Unfortunately, she is not aware of this. She refuses to admit that she has a problem, and finds a way to blame anyone but herself for her issues. Myself and other family have tried to gently bring up the idea of therapy, but it only results in the bomb exploding. How are you supposed to bring someone to therapy if one of their main problems is denial? Apparently she did go see a therapist once. Unfortunately, after she told the therapist all of her sob stories about how awful everyone in the world was, the therapist said "Oh my goodness. You poor thing. You are definitely not the one who needs therapy. It's your abusive family members." I hope this post doesn't sound too derogatory. I love my mother so much. I hate how much pain this terrible disease causes her. All I want is for her to be able to live a normal happy life, with healthy relationships. I feel that therapy would be a great way to solve this. What can I do? How can I help her? I thought maybe I could try making her go to family therapy with me (which would be tricky since I no longer live at home). Maybe if I framed it the right way, laying most of the blame and problems on myself, she would agree to go. I just don't know how to help.

[catlady6]

I am so sorry.  
When a family member is in denial about their mental illness it is so difficult to get them to "see the light" as it were... .And people with BPD are expert manipulators. It sounds like your mom is a good actor, to dupe a therapist like that... .have you tried speaking to other family members about options? Like maybe an intervention? Depending on how "aware" your mom is, would that kind of thing help maybe?

I'm in a similar boat to you... .my mother is BPD but will not seek treatment. It's very sad and very frustrating knowing that there is a cure but that the person just will not go through with it.

Ultimately you can't "force" someone to change, as painful as their actions may be... .they have to want to get better. Maybe your mom will eventually decide to seek treatment. If mentioning treatment is an option, maybe you and your family could bring it up when she is calm?

If not, just try and take care of yourself... .we can only change how we react to a situation, not how someone else acts. It's okay to take care of yourself and realize that you can't "help" in the way that you want to. It does sound like your mom puts undue strain on you, if you're having nightmares. Have you considered doing therapy as well, to cope? Or even just the online kind. Talkspace seems like it is a good one, and it's affordable. Or if that isn't something you want to do, just try and make sure that you're taking care of yourself too. People with BPD parents often are in the "caretaker" role, and neglect their own needs in order to cater to the BPD. It's important to remember that you matter too and your health is also important.

Hang in there. I wish I knew more but I just found out about the disorder too. But this forum really has helped me, and so many knowledgeable people are on here too. I'm sure others will have better advice.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, colormerainbow,

You remind me a lot of myself at 20. I had terrible nightmares and often woke up screaming. I also wanted so much to find a way to have a happy relationship with her and tried to get her to go to family therapy. I thought if we had a third party there who could hear me, we could work things out. She initially agreed but changed her mind quickly.

How are you supposed to bring someone to therapy if one of their main problems is denial?

I think you may be able to find the answer within the question. Therapy is for people who recognize they need help and are willing to work to get better. It's not going to be effective for someone who feels forced or manipulated into it and is not ready to change. A question that might be more helpful to you is "Who is responsible for getting my mother to seek treatment?"

We used to have a link to a video here that was really enlightening to me. It was a lecture by Dr. Xavier Amador based on his book I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help!. You can still find the video on you tube if you do a search. When you have time, you might consider looking at the book or the video.

Are you able to take advantage of counseling services on your campus? Getting myself into therapy was crucial to my own mental health. We go through so much as children of people with BPD, and there are a lot of skills we need that our parents weren't equipped to teach us. The Survivor's Guide in the right-hand margin offers some guideposts for what the next steps might be for you.

I hope we'll hear from you again when you're ready. I'm glad you're here.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Leaflet]

Your post could totally describe my mother. My sister is having nightmares now. I've worked through some of this stuff and accepted it, so it's a bit less stressful for me than it is for my sister. For years I thought it was me, and that was really hard. I could never do anything right. Then, I read about BPD, and it totally described my mom. It was like a book had been written about her. I've learned that I can't make my Mom seek treatment, though I would like to. I see a therapist regularly, and it really helps me work through a lot of what happens.

[catclaw]

hey colourmerainbow (what a lovely nickname, I love it )

I'm glad you found us here - welcome!
Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm in a similar position. I'm not a psychology major, but a mental health care professional and having a background like this opens new grounds for abuse, a least that's what I got from it (mom using me as a therapist, but calling it "talks between friends".

The truth is - you can't get your mom into treatment if she doesn't show any compliance. My mother had a public breakdown a few days ago and I decided that if this happens again, I'll do my duty and call an ambulance. This is sad, but it may be the only chance I have to get her into treatment. Then again, I know the clinic she would be brought to which is not what I would want for her.

My mom is a survivoe of early childhood neglect and severe physical abuse, as well as being adopted while being separated from her brother at early age. There are so many trauma-related issues that make her life really hard, but she says "no, I'm fine. It has nothing to do with my chronic pain / my unhealthy sleeping patterns / my weird relationship with food / my breakdowns / my isolation / my whatever".

I had a session with my T (who works systemically, which I found more helpful than any other classic method I tried before) in which she said "it may just be too big of a threat for your mom to open up about these issues. Chances are, she will never seek treatment because she's too scared".

It helped me adapt better to the situation. I was co-dependent all my life and now I'm finding a new way of standing up to her madness, knowing that it's not my place to save her and fighting against windmills. It was - subconciously - my goal to get her to treatment. Other than that, it's a very last resort to prevent physical damage. Now that I know this will most likely not happen, it somehow freed me of the burden to be her saviour.

Hang in there, you are not alone!