Putting together the pieces of a giant puzzle...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since my ex uBPD left me, l feel like l have been trying to put the pieces together of a giant jigsaw to try to make sense of everything.

Reading the posts here, there are so many similarities in the relationships we've all had. It starts with intensity, great sex, a connection not experienced before, and the odd behaviours: criticisms, rages out of nowhere, splitting, detachment, recycling, cheating, lying, and then more raging... .

For me, in reading about BPD, it's all about trying to make sense of it all. And yet somehow, as l am building the jigsaw puzzle, l just become sadder. It is odd. It should be that the more l understand, the better I should heal. But instead, l have started to feel that if l had known more, l could have somehow done things differently in the relationship. Whilst it helps to come to some understanding, l can't help but wonder if l should just be saying, l don't care about any of this, I don't need to know the psychology, l am not a psychiatrist, just move on! And yet it is all strangely addictive.

I am not sure if building this puzzle, is helping me or hindering me. The more l learn, the more empathy l have for my ex and l feel that is stopping me from detaching. The jigsaw is not complete yet, but the picture is making me sad. I feel like packing it all away.

I keep thinking about the strange, knotted discussions l had with my ex, where he was trying to explain his feelings, but l just couldn't understand. This is a great knowledge based site, but the more l learn, l am developing more feelings. Does anyone else feel the same? I even feel guilt that I never really knew how to listen to him.

[K.G.]

Since my ex uBPD left me, l feel like l have been trying to put the pieces together of a giant jigsaw to try to make sense of everything.

Reading the posts here, there are so many similarities in the relationships we've all had. It starts with intensity, great sex, a connection not experienced before, and the odd behaviours: criticisms, rages out of nowhere, splitting, detachment, recycling, cheating, lying, and then more raging... .

For me, in reading about BPD, it's all about trying to make sense of it all. And yet somehow, as l am building the jigsaw puzzle, l just become sadder. It is odd. It should be that the more l understand, the better I should heal. But instead, l have started to feel that if l had known more, l could have somehow done things differently in the relationship. Whilst it helps to come to some understanding, l can't help but wonder if l should just be saying, l don't care about any of this, I don't need to know the psychology, l am not a psychiatrist, just move on! And yet it is all strangely addictive.

I am not sure if building this puzzle, is helping me or hindering me. The more l learn, the more empathy l have for my ex and l feel that is stopping me from detaching. The jigsaw is not complete yet, but the picture is making me sad. I feel like packing it all away.

I keep thinking about the strange, knotted discussions l had with my ex, where he was trying to explain his feelings, but l just couldn't understand. This is a great knowledge based site, but the more l learn, l am developing more feelings. Does anyone else feel the same? I even feel guilt that I never really knew how to listen to him.

[Portent]

Its nit so much empathy for me as it is knowledge and understanding. Of xourse I have empathy. Im not her. However, I understand that there was nothing I could have done. At best I could have delayed it. If I let her recycle she will just cheat and leave again. Its who she is. Understanding this makes it easier and easier to detach.

[Curiously1]

It really takes time. Are you doubting your progress?

I found that months and months of staying on this forum and reading and watching plenty about Cluster B disorders has helped me tremendously. The more I know the more I can just simplify things that didn't click to me when things were still fresh out of the break up such as understanding that it really is just another cycle for them and not personal. What I found to be sad is the feeling as if I wasn't special. That they do the same thing to everyone and only formed a very shallow attachment to us. It is sad to accept that I fell in love with a person that could not love me back in the way that I had wanted and could easily let me go. But at same time it is freeing because I now know I could never be happy with someone who couldn't be there for me the same. Knowledge really helped and you are just going to feel different kinds of emotions while you process learn and understand all there is to know about BPD as well as yourself and why you got into such a relationship in the first place.

You will not be able to solve the whole puzzle nor should you.
I know this is a video on NPD but it illustrates the point as to why it's not good to obssess over certain things:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbBNhLOGJQg    Start at 1:42
Doing so fries your brain and I remember how exhausted I ended up being when I spend too much time trying to solve the massive puzzle. I've solved it for the most part now. I've concluded that my health is important and that anything deterring me from living healthily is not even worth needing to piece together anymore.
A lot of what BPD do is irrational and you cannot make sense of certain things that they did impulsively as an example. That is just going to drive you insane and waste of energy you will realise the more you dettach. I've learnt to let go of the minor details and try to see the bigger picture. First off, somebody that showed me that they cannot be trusted or relied on. I cannot deny that anymore or sugar coat things and hope it isnt as sad/dissapointing as it really is.

I found that it does get easier when you sort of wean off trying to understand your BPD so much and start focusing strictly on you. Everyone is in different stages though. I certainly felt that I needed that period of obsession over BPD related topics and my exes behaviour.

I also find that us giving it our all is a good thing to have but it's also controlling in a way if we don't allow ourselves to accept the end you know? People still have the choice whether they want to be with us or not.  We shouldnt tie our self worth or successes on other people such as our BPD loved one.

Here is another video that I found was really great. I know its a bit spirtiual-ish if you're not into that but give it a try if you like: https://youtu.be/Qk0d92DXlA8
It might explain why you find it hard to dettach because of how much empathy you describe you have for your ex. I felt the exact same way and still have empathy but now can dettach with empathy and compassion. This is another girl with a similar issue about having so much compassion for her NPD that she cannot let go as if it is like betraying him. Discovering I didn't have much compassion for myself was important to really look at. I was sort of dependent on my BPD having issues underneath it all because I was the rescuer type and want to fix things as a way to feel like a good person. You don't need someone 'bad' around to feel good about yourself really resonated with me. I realise how important it is to quit focusing on the ex and more on your own life and moving forward. The video explains how it is more loving and benefits both of you to let go of a relationship that is more destructive than constructive.

Anyhow, I think you're on the right track. Keep posting. Focus on finding things that make you happy and feel better.  

[vortex of confusion]

I feel the same as you. It is definitely like putting a jigsaw puzzle together.

I used to want to figure it out so I could figure out how to continue the relationship as we have 4 kids together. Now, I am wanting to put the pieces of the puzzle together so I don't let it happen again. I have a compulsive need to analyze ever detail and every bit of our 20 years together so I can try not to let it happen again.

I was in a relationship after ex and noticed some of the same patterns emerge. There were a couple of possibilities:
1. I keep finding the same kind of person because there is some issue that I need to resolve inside myself. If that is the case, why am I doing that? What is the issue that I am hiding from myself or not seeing?
2. I am the problem after all and ex isn't nearly as messed up as I thought he was.
3. I am still really wounded and really hurting and I need to put the pieces together in order to heal. I feed off of things that are logical. If I can understand things logically, it is a lot easier for me to move on. If I can understand the logic of some of his behaviors (even if they are completely illogical), then it makes it that much easier for me to not take things so personally. The hardest part for me is not taking things so personally. I spent a lot of time wondering how in the world somebody could do the things he did. Because I still have to interact with him because of the kids, I am having a really difficult time healing.

[vanx]

K.G., your post really speaks to me, and I think it's great that despite your pain, you are holding onto compassion, which I think is important to healing. To extend your metaphor, I think you have already assembled the outer edge of the puzzle, as I see it. But I think it is only natural to want to understand, and it is only natural to feel worse as you understand, as it were, because you see a wounded person. I am not saying this is you, but I know for me and it seems others on here, we identify with our partners because we know what those wounds can feel like. In the context of the disorder, the person's behaviors are rational (though we may never be able to fully understand), and they are lost in fear.
Man, and I know those nagging what ifs ... .I feel like I failed to be compassionate at times, and compassion is a huge value for me. In the present though, I think it is wonderful to retain compassion for your ex, because I think that is the path to healing. Personally, I had to ask by the end, what has happened for my compassion for myself? You may find too that this interest in BPD is a first stage. Again, the remaining pieces of the jigsaw, to really heal, could be the pieces about yourself.
I hope nothing here comes across as like I know more, because I only dated a woman for a few months and I've been ruminating for that long, but I think I'm getting somewhere. I think I have made some connections about my attachment to my mom growing up, and unmet needs I may still be seeking from those days. I am not loving life much right now, and yet, I am very grateful life sent me this lesson. Keep on your path, and accept that you may feel more pain, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. There are many people to help you here, and do consider if a therapist could help you! The puzzle is real!

[hope2727]

I really feel for you. I remember feeling that way when my marriage ended. The truth is I spent HUGE amounts of time trying to piece the puzzle together. Now looking back many years later it was largely a waste of energy.

I found some answers and never found others. In truth I will never know everything. I do however know enough to know I never want to be treated that way again.

So now the focus is on me when I think of him. What was my role ... .and believe me I had one. What is the lessons I learned and took forward from this experience? When I ran into another person on the Cluster B spectrum how did I react? What did I do better and what did I do worse? Who did I improve and what would I improve if I had another experience like this?

I am still debating these questions and I may never have all the answers down pat so to speak.

The puzzle still exists. I still don't have all the pieces. I just boxed it up and tossed it in the back of the closet. To be frank all these years later I I don't have much interest in rebuilding the puzzle again. Its just kinda sad and boring.

I wish I could tell you that finding all the pieces will help you find peace but I really think in the end you have to reach a point of saying "I have enough pieces to know I don't like this puzzle and don't want to build it again".

 Sending you hugs and support.   

[schwing]

Hi K.G.

Since my ex uBPD left me, l feel like l have been trying to put the pieces together of a giant jigsaw to try to make sense of everything.

... .

For me, in reading about BPD, it's all about trying to make sense of it all. And yet somehow, as l am building the jigsaw puzzle, l just become sadder. It is odd. It should be that the more l understand, the better I should heal. But instead, l have started to feel that if l had known more, l could have somehow done things differently in the relationship.

Consider that one part of what we all go through here is grief.  And one model for grief describes five stages: (1) denial (2) anger (3) bargaining (4) depression and (5) acceptance.

My understanding is that you cannot just skip the process and go straight to acceptance. Moreover we are likely to jump between the stages (and sometimes get stuck on one or another) on our way towards acceptance.

When you write: "... .if I had known more, I could have somehow done things differently... .", that sounds a lot like bargaining to me.

We don't all go through grief. For some people the ending of these kinds of relationship is really the worst of it. Being with a person with BPD (pwBPD) was a mistake, lesson learned... .won't make that mistake again.  For others, like myself, it was the first thread in the unravelling of a bigger puzzle of understanding my own childhood, family background, and personal issues I'd only begun to acknowledge. I'm not saying that any of this applies to you, but I will describe how it has applied for me over the years that I have frequented these forums.  Hopefully some of what I write will be helpful to you.

Whilst it helps to come to some understanding, l can't help but wonder if l should just be saying, l don't care about any of this, I don't need to know the psychology, l am not a psychiatrist, just move on! And yet it is all strangely addictive.

You don't need to know psychology or be a psychiatrist to move on. But it might help to gain the assistance of a professional if you find that you are stuck somewhere in the process of moving on.

For me, I was haunted for many years by my BPD relationship.  Even after I had several significant and serious relationships after that relationship.  My puzzle was why couldn't I get over it the way that I had gotten over my other relationships.

I learn to accept that I had a strong pull towards pwBPD traits -- eventually I recognized that I had family members who exhibited similar traits.  I was in denial of this for a long time.  My "addiction" towards understanding pwBPD was/is an (unconscious) effort to work out my own issues with my family.  It took me years to get to this point... .years *after* my BPD relationship ended... .but also years where I kept asking questions and seeking answers.

I am not sure if building this puzzle, is helping me or hindering me. The more l learn, the more empathy l have for my ex and l feel that is stopping me from detaching. The jigsaw is not complete yet, but the picture is making me sad. I feel like packing it all away.  

If finding out more is making it more difficult to let go, then by all means take a break.  Or stop all together.  Just pay attention if you find yourself courting another person who behaves similarly later as your relationship progresses.  

I keep thinking about the strange, knotted discussions l had with my ex, where he was trying to explain his feelings, but l just couldn't understand. This is a great knowledge based site, but the more l learn, l am developing more feelings. Does anyone else feel the same? I even feel guilt that I never really knew how to listen to him.

It was never your obligation to help your ex "cure" his illness.  Your only obligation was to yourself, to find out if this relationship would sufficiently add to your happiness that you would be willing to build a life around it.

I know that I had developed feelings as I gained further understanding about this disordered and applied it to my exBPDgf.  I don't know why this is the case for you but I think it is worthwhile to look into it and more from the perspective of how this help you understand yourself better rather than your exBPD.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[talks to angels]

KG i feel your pain. I was in the same boat at one time, but if he truly is a Cluster B, there was nothing you could have done. I tried, and tried. The push/pull is ingrained in them. It is forever a Prove You Love me game of sorts for them. So you let a couple lies slide, great peace no rage right? Well its almost like they loose respect and in their minds if you cared you would be questioning them. So they step up their disrespectful actions until they get a reaction from you. Or start fights over literally nothing.

When you are researching make sure you go to trusted sites. The one thing I would always remember as you are reading, is this is NOT curable. I had an ocean of pity for mine. I stopped referring to this as an illness (an illness can be cured its not), its a disorder! The wiring in their brain is broken and parts of their brain are not formed, so even with years of intense therapy, they may seem better and resemble healthy humans, they are still disordered, they have just been trained on how to act.

I tell myself I do not deserve to have someone fake compassion and love to me.

[GlennT]

A piece of the puzzle that fit for me was learning about neuro imaging studies currently being done. We now know that there are two interconnected neural systems that cause emotional dysregulation in BPD, that hopefully, can be treated. Scientists also are very curious about BPD. They wondered why people who had no known physical or emotional abuse in their lives, still had BPD. They concluded it could also be biological and hereditary. They said that the BPD brain is like a car. The gas pedal for emotions is the amaygdala, which they found to be more hyperactive than normal in BPD, and the emotional brake is the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. The BPD brain steps on the hyperactive emotional gas, and does not brake their hyperactive emotions normally. They have less brain braking power to curb their emotions, and to regulate their intensity. So,what can we do? 

[talks to angels]

GlennT yes but at the same time they show that these people have brain abnormalities it inst just wiring so to speak. Here is some of what they found
  • hypoplasia of the hippocampus, caudate, and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex
   • variations in the CA1 region of the hippocampus and subiculum
   • smaller-than-normal orbitofrontal cortex (by 24%, compared with healthy controls) and the mid-temporal and left cingulate gyrii (by 26%)
   • larger-than-normal volume of the right inferior parietal cortex and the right parahippocampal gyrus
   • loss of gray matter in the frontal, temporal, and parietal cortices
   • an enlarged third cerebral ventricle
   • in women, reduced size of the me­dial temporal lobe and amygdala
   • in men, a decreased concentra­tion of gray matter in the anterior cingulate
   • reversal of normal right-greater-than-left asymmetry of the orbitofron­tal cortex gray matter, reflecting loss of gray matter on the right side
   • a lower concentration of gray mat­ter in the rostral/subgenual anterior cin­gulate cortex
   • a  smaller frontal lobe.

So as far as a cure, not likely

I only point this out because I think some people can get suck in the idea that their partner could be cured and that they didnt do enough to help them. This is totally not the case. This isnt an infection that can be cleared up.

[apollotech]

The more l learn, the more empathy l have for my ex and l feel that is stopping me from detaching. The jigsaw is not complete yet, but the picture is making me sad.

KG,

I think that what you're experiencing is a normal progression. As you learn about the disorder, negative emotions that were once directed towards the person usually shift to empathy/sympathy towards the person afflicted with the disorder. Perhaps the newfound sadness may be a result of you coming to an understanding, through knowledge of the disorder, of how very little you could have done to thwart the disorder, whether you recognize that consciously or not. In essence, the newly found sadness may be the dissolving of hope.

There are a lot of these examples on the boards: new people come on the boards, they're hurt, confused, and angry (understandably so)---as a result, the BPD ex partner usually takes a severe tongue lashing at this stage. Over time, with understanding, that usually shifts to a more sympathetic tone. It is a sad thing to finally have to recognize/acknowledge a loss, especially one that was so dear to us.

In all of this, take care of yourself. The sun will indeed one day shine again!

[enlighten me]

With genetic research though it could be something that is filtered out. If there is a genetic code for the differences then they can be manipulated (in the future) . Its a scary thought though that we could all end up the same.