My BPD Mother - Limiting visitation with grandchildren

[Racoomes23]

Hello, this is my first post. I have recently read the book SWOE and it has offered me a great deal of insight about my uBPD Mother. For many years I have known my mother suffers from some type of mental disorder; I thought she might be Bi-Polar or Depressed, but after reading about BPD I now know exactly what it is. She fits all the criteria; uncontrollable fits of rage, narcissistic, manipulative, substance abuse (alcohol), eating disorder (anorexia), threatened suicide. She's extremely verbally abusive to anyone who gets in her way and most of the time that ends up being me, because we are the closest. Her siblings all know she has a problem, but they just avoid her when she gets into her fits. My brother has cut off communication completely. He thinks it's the alcoholism that is causing her behavior. She's been hospitalized many times for over drinking and recently it has gotten much worse. The doctors have told her if she doesn't quit, she will soon die from drinking.
I am married with a 3 year old and I am also 7 months pregnant. Big events in my life tend to bring out the worst in my mother. At least that is how it seems. My wedding, graduating from school, pregnancy; all seem to send her into a downward spiral. She becomes very controlling and manipulative. She usually buys way too many gifts and then throws it in our face when we don't seem "appreciative" enough or if we simply don't do everything she wants, when she wants it.
My husband has really had enough of her behavior. Especially because this year she's had at least 3 very bad episodes of explosive rage. I have also reached my limit because I am having a high-risk pregnancy, working full time, chasing after my 3 year old and I am simply too tired to deal with her right now. I told her 2 months ago that I was not going to deal with her behavior anymore, after her last episode of rage. I told her that if she wanted to continue with a relationship with me she needed to seek therapy and stop drinking. I have also limited her contact with my son, which is heartbreaking for everyone. They are very close and she has a great relationship with him. This was before I read the book so now I'm wondering if I set a limit that was maybe too aggressive? She is understandably, very upset about not seeing my son. She has threatened me many times about getting custody of him, she's been very verbally abusive to me about it and she's tried to manipulate me about it. I let her see him on Thanksgiving, but then she started pushing for more time with him and became increasingly aggressive and verbally abusive with me. I was going to bring him over for Christmas, but I really don't want to be near her. I guess my question is... .Is it right for me to keep my son from her when her behavior hasn't really affected him? It's really only me and other family members that she attacks, never him. She does spoil him and buys very excessive gifts, but other than that she's not hurting him emotionally/physically. I really want her to seek help and quit drinking, but I also don't want to use my son against her, which I'm worried that is what I'm sort of doing right now. Any advice is greatly appreciated! TIA

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Racoomes23:    
Congrats on the upcoming baby!  I'm very sorry about the problems with your mom.  It is so frustrating when someone won't get help.

I told her that if she wanted to continue with a relationship with me, she needed to seek therapy and stop drinking. I have also limited her contact with my son, which is heartbreaking for everyone. They are very close and she has a great relationship with him. This was before I read the book so now I'm wondering if I set a limit that was maybe too aggressive? She is understandably, very upset about not seeing my son. She has threatened me many times about getting custody of him

It's really only me and other family members that she attacks, never him. She does spoil him and buys very excessive gifts, but other than that she's not hurting him emotionally/physically. I really want her to seek help and quit drinking, but I also don't want to use my son against her, which I'm worried that is what I'm sort of doing right now.

Unfortunately, you can't change her.  By managing the way you react to her and interact with her, you can make things better for yourself.  You shouldn't feel guilty.  If the relationship with your son were that important to her, she would quit drinking and get some counseling for her behavior.  It is her decision to keep drinking and not go to therapy, so she is personally responsible for not seeing her grandchild, not you.

It should be helpful for you to read about FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) .

You have set some  BOUNDARIES  They are for you, and for you to enforce.  Your mother won't like them, but they are for your benefit and the safety of you and your son.  If you reward her rages, then she will never try to control them

It seems ludicrous that she would threaten to get custody of your son (no way that could ever happen).  I'm thinking you won't want your son to be in a car with your mom, or alone with your mom.  Just because your son hasn't been the target of her bad behavior in the past, doesn't mean he won't be abused by her in the future (especially with she is drinking).  That means that a responsible adult needs to monitor visits.

I don't think you can be too aggressive in setting boundaries for the safety of your son, in view of your mom's behavior and drinking.  You shouldn't feel guilty.

[my_memories]

Welcome,

Your situation is tough; I think the advice of Naughty Nibbler is good. Having a BPD parent is really hard! She knows all the ways to push your buttons and all the ways to make you feel guilty. Be kind to yourself, remember that a happy mom is important for a happy child. Your son needs you to focus on having a healthier relationship with your mom... .it's not you that has weaponized him in this conflict, it's your mom.

It sounds to me like this is a strong case of emotional incest - you (and your son!) are not responsible for your moms emotional state/well being. It may not seem like a toxic relationship but if he feels like he makes her feel better or has some significant sway over her emotional well-being, that is a big burden for a little kid to bear.

It's hard to do (SO HARD!) but stay strong - maintain those boundaries. It may help to role play with your husband and practice what you say to her (this helped me a lot in dealing with my BPD mom). Stick to your guns, don't let the conversation about her getting help become about access to your son (as this is classic deflection!). It sounds like you are just starting this process, just know that with each step you take it gets easier. Her capacity to guilt and manipulate you will reduce and you will find the healthier balance you want in your life.

Talk to your friends, let other people know what you are struggling with and let them support you. You are not alone and you are doing the right thing.

[Racoomes23]

Thank you both for the advice and support. I didn't even realize I was feeling guilty, but I guess that is exactly it. I'm new to this, so it's hard for me to pick up on what I'm doing or what she's doing. It's going to be a long road ahead and I really hope there is some recovery for my mom in the future. I second guess myself a lot because I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to be hurt anymore. It seems like I have more learning to catch up on. Thank you!

[Janneke]

I agree with NN that your son might become a target in the future, and preventing that seems important.

You and your children deserve relationships without hurt.
J

[Texa]

I had to cut my alcoholic BPD mom out of my life many times. When I had kids, I thought she could be a decent Gran if I set strong boundaries, but the problem with BPD is that my boundaries don't matter if they don't suit her needs or her version of reality. She was fun with them but constantly crossed boundaries by grilling kids about me and DH, boundaries about religion and was terrible to my stepson and after I cut off contact she refused to allow me to pick up any of their toys from her place. She has been phoning constantly demanding to see them. She is furious my dad sees them and so has made up a story that he is a pedophile and keeps threatening to "write a book" to expose him, or report him to the police. My poor dad has been through hell, and so have I.

However nice she might be to your kid now, it's only a matter of time before she starts damaging him too with lies about you or anyone else who suits her narrative. In my case my kids still remember her and all I can tell them is Granny's brain doesn't work right. I wish I'd never let them know her.

[my_memories]

Thank you both for the advice and support. I didn't even realize I was feeling guilty, but I guess that is exactly it. I'm new to this, so it's hard for me to pick up on what I'm doing or what she's doing. It's going to be a long road ahead and I really hope there is some recovery for my mom in the future. I second guess myself a lot because I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to be hurt anymore. It seems like I have more learning to catch up on. Thank you!

It really does get easier with time  When dealing with a BPD individual, manipulation and gas lighting can be a big part of their tool kit! I started my journey in 2004; it took a couple of years for me to create enough space for myself to see how my BPD mother was impacting my life. I can tell you that after establishing better boundaries, I am a much happier, healthier mom (to a five year old!) and also pregnant  You will get there - and if you ever want to chat, you are welcome to send me a message