Mother uBPD, no contact, guilt

[peonylove]

Hello,
I am very glad I found this forum, all of your stories are letting me feel like I'm not alone, like finally I know what was wrong with my mother and that it's not my fault.
I am 23 years old and I started seeing a therapist few months ago and after first time when I started telling my story he told me to read few books about BPD, as he has a feeling that this is what my mother suffers from. After starting to look into it I am more than sure that this is what my mother has and has never been diagnosed, because she lies to therapists a lot.
A lot of my childhood memories has been erased from my mind as a result of trauma and trying to protect myself. Very first memories I have is from the age of 5, when my mother used to tell me (while I was crying) that all the people around me are laughing of me. Another very clear episode is when I was painting at home and wanted to paint paper black so I could paint over it with white paint and create something nice. I left the painting drying on the window. My mother came home and saw it and here started screaming and shouting, crying, saying that I am possesed by devil, as the sheet of paper was black.
My worst nightmare started when I was 12, when dad left mother for another woman. He really tried to make it work with my mom and I saw it everyday, but her behaviour drove him crazy and all he did was drink cause he felt so helpless. I was left alone at home with my mother (I had two grown up brothers). She started taking a lot of pills and going literally crazy. She wouldn't do any housework, fridge would be completely empty and she wouldn't even give me money to do food shopping, at one stage even our electricity was cut-off cause she didn't pay the bills. and it was winter time. She kept repeating - we are in this together, dear, we have to suffer together. She started having episodes of complete insanity and telling me to kneel down in front of her kissing her hands and telling her she's a good mother. she would make me do this for hours. If I refused or cry she would start screaming and shouting and saying I'm a horrible daughter and that's why father left us. That it is all my fault and I should have asked him not to leave.  Most of her friends couldn't keep up with this and left her alone. My best friend would come over and I used to tell her that we have to play very quiet, because my mom is sick. so one day we were laughing about something and my mom ran into the living room and started screaming that we are not respecting her illness and broke all the paintings, vases and everything else. me and my friend were crying and her mother had to pick her up from my house. She would tell me nasty things about my father and being little I believed it all, so I refused to speak with him. When I was 14 my nerves were so out of balance all I could do was cry every day. One day she said we are leaving the country. I begged her not to, I didn't want to leave my friends, my school, learn a new language. She wouldn't take no for an answer. So one day before the flight I took a lot of her sleeping pills, because I wanted to die. I had it all, I could not live a single day with her screaming over my shoulder and making me worship her. I woke up in a hospital, they managed to pump my stomach and all drugged up I was brought to another country. I dont remember anything - airport, flight, anything. All I remember is her beating me (for the first time in my life!) with an iron lead just before a trip and saying that I should go to hell. I think she drugged me on purpose so I wouldn't scream in the airport. Overseas I felt empty. I started getting panic attacks and she became more vicious than ever. Screaming and terrorising me continued following year every day. sometimes she would spend hours asking me to tell her that she is not a bad mother. and if I refused she would drop on the ground and cry and say that she will kill herself and it is gonna be my fault. One evening she had another one of her episodes and she brought handful of pills and started shoving up my throat saying that we have to kill ourselves together, right now. I managed to throw the pills out. when I was 16 I left the house, because I couldn't do it anymore. She kept bringing weird men into our lives. One was a pedophile - I found pictures on his computer of little naked boys, another one hated me with all his heart. I had enough. Being so far from her felt amazing. even tho she rang me everyday, all I had to do is to say that I am ok. Fast forward to me being 21. I developed a lot of insecurities and I quit my college. She was sick so she tricked me into coming back home. so I did. I thought her ''crazy'' days are over. I was wrong. The cycle came again. All the terror, all the crying and manipulating. Same summer we had my brothers wedding. On the wedding she managed to basically ruin it by screaming at me that I am an alcoholic like my dad and using psychological abuse in front of the whole family. everybody were shocked and on my side. She was acting so crazy and angry that people had to take her off of me. I left her house once again and even coming to visit for day or two would end the same bullying cycle like always. Now I live with my boyfriend, I'm happy, all was going great.
January. We got into a huge massive fight which took all of my energy once again and this time I couldn't keep it anymore. I cut off all the contact because she is harming me emotionally. Because of her I didn't speak to my father for 6 years until I was 18 and went and started communicating again. Because of her I am having dificulty finding myself. I'm scared. We live in a same town and I stay at home most of the time, because I am scared to see her. I saw her once few months ago, she looked like possesed - red big eyes, weird movements. My boyfriend visits her from time to time, when he needs to get mail and she never asks about me and pretends like everything is ok, while telling all the relatives of how ungrateful I am and what a horrible daughter I've became. Btw, my oldest brother has no contact with her either, for many years now. Middle brother is trying to keep it casual, I believe because he is scared.
I feel guilty for not being able to have normal relationship and I feel scared every single day. Having flashbacks is killing me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Peonylove! 

I am so very glad that you've found us, and also very glad that you shared some of your story with us. 

I'm so sorry for this terrible hurt in your life and how awfully your mom treated you. How sad, the horrible abuse and damge she did to you. It is very good that you've begun seeing a T, and that he seems knowledgeable about BPD. That will be a great asset to you. In addition to seeing a T, you will discover support and understanding hearts here, for we've all been through some similar type of abuse from the BPD in our life.

My uBPDm was so hard on my siblings and I, and I also suffer from trauma and scary memories and terrible dreams. It gets better with time so be patient with each step you take. I've been in T for a few years now, and to find the courage to face the past takes someone with a strong disposition and resiliency. You have it, for truly you are a survivor!   You mentioned that you've been reading some books. What have you read so far? Has one been better than another for you? I think my favorite book is Surviving a Borderline Parent. It has been my beginning and current help that I frequently default to.

Where do you see yourself in the list to the right? ---------------> You are at a great place of discovery. Don't forget there are so many here ready to listen whenever you need it! You are not any of those things she has said about you. They are not true. You are a beautiful person!

 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI PeonyLove:  

I'm so very sorry about all the pain and suffering you have endured ┐(‘～`；)┌   That is a lot to deal with.  I'm so glad that you started therapy.  It can help you work through all of the hurts of the past and move on to have the wonderful life you deserve.

You indicate you are back in touch with your father.  How is your current relationship with him?  Have you made him aware of the events you have shared?

Have you thought about moving somewhere where you won't fear running into your mom?
.
Nothing that happened is your fault.  It might be helpful for you to read about FOG , Fear, Obligation and Guilt and then read
FOG DISCUSSION THREAD

You might be interested in a book called, The Happiness Trap. It is based on ACT Therapy.  It can be helpful in giving you some tools to help you move on from your abuse. If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets that you can use along with the book:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Are you doing anything to work through your stress right now:  mindfulness, guided meditation, meditation, exercise, etc.

[peonylove]

Thank you so much for your answers! so warm and welcoming, makes me feel safe.
I'll try to read as much as possible around here and I believe it will contribute to my healing.
Therapist recommended me book ''I hate you, Don't leave me''. I haven't read it yet as I haven't got my hands on it yet. I'm wondering has anyone here read it?
I'd say I am  between remembering and mourning stage at the moment... still a long way to go as I feel so insecure and shocked.
I am back in contact with my father for last 5 years. Unfortunately that long gap of not talking has made us strangers. We talk very rarely and barely find words for each other. I love him anyway and he supports me and knows that I didn't have it easy growing up.  He doesn't know any details of any events as I wouldn't really know how to tell him about it, I'd say he would be outraged. I have told my mother in our last fight that she should have went to hospital when she was feeling extremely depressed instead of telling me that we should both suffer. Her answer was - If I went to hospital, your dad would have tried to get full custody of you. All I could think after that, was that I would have probably had better life if that happened.

Thank you so much for all useful information, I will check it all out! you are absolutely amazing people here!
lots of love!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Peonylove, 

I have read some of the book you mentioned, and it is an excellent one to read. It was one of the very first books written about BPD, and the authors released an updated version in 2010, over 20 years after the original edition. It's not a hard book to read, and if you are like me (and many others at this site), reading about BPD can be both validating and overwhelming at the same time. So plan on taking all the time you need to absorb and process. I Hate You - Don't Leave Me can easily be read a little bit at a time.

Remember, it is a journey to healing we are on, not a destination, as you work to healing. I say that to help you in your focus that you don't have a timeline to try and achieve certain goals, and there's no comparing yourself to others either. Try to stay in the moment, where you are, to work on what comes up, rather than projecting ahead.

Sounds like you are indeed in the 'remembering' to 'mourning' stage. It all stinks, doesn't it?   Often I was back and forth, up and down the list which is very normal. Everyone here is in a different place on the list. I've taken time to get familiar with the steps, then I don't read them for a long time. When I come back to read them again, I often find that I have moved to a different step on the list, and that is encouraging. It's good that you are able to identify where you feel you are at the moment.

Speaking of feelings, how are you doing with identifying your emotions and feelings right now? It can be a challenge for us Survivors to figure out what feelings are after being raised by a pwBPD.

 
Wools

 

[peonylove]

Here I am again. It's 1 year since NC with my mother. I went back home for Christmas and was a bit stressed that my family will blame me for not talking to my mother but everyone were very supportive of it... .except for my grandma. She is her mother so I guess I understand it. She is also extremely religious, so she believes it's a great sin to have no contact with mother. My mom texted me day after Christmas. It was a really long message and her first words were - I am extremely disappointed in you. Then she went on about how ''time is running out for her to be my mother, because of my behaviour'' and then she stressed how unhappy I will be if I don't respect my mother. She sent a lot of links about the facts that if you don't have a good relationship with your mother, then you will be extremely unhappy, your life will be a disaster and even that you will have disabled children. It was all so extremely disturbing. For the first time I replied to her, because I couldn't hold it anymore. I wrote how even her first words are nothing but demands. Demands of acceptance, love, attention. Mothers love is supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn't it be? And also it seems like she wishes I was unhappy, because I don't talk to her. That is also a horrible thing to say. Then I sent her few links about BPD, hoping that she will see herself. I couldn't be more wrong. I got a reply today. She was saying how she is completely healthy and that I am so wrong to say to her that she is unstable. Also she went on about the things that I accuse her of things that never happened and how amazing of a mother she has been and that I am ungrateful. She is saying that I will be unhappy and these accusations will destroy me and so on. And that my oldest brother is already experiencing troubles because he doesnt talk to her. It is all way too much for me to handle, I really didn't know what to do so I blocked her. My sister in law advised me to do so on Christmas. I can't believe she can still make me suffer now, after so many years.
What do you think about her theory that we must be unhappy if we don't have good relationship with mother? And why is mother always have to be right? Why am I wrong in this situation? I am exhausted and for the  first time after so many years I have deep sadness and nearly suicidal thoughts. I don't know how to deal anymore.