Enabler pushing BPD on you?

[Charlie3236]

Hi all! 
I've been NC/LC with BPD little sis for some time now, and honestly it's been soo peaceful! But now her enabling husband is contacting me about how much she loves & misses me, blah blah blah. It's really just a ploy so she can see my son, who is the only person in my family she gives 2 pieces about. And voila... .I'm sucked back into the drama of rehashing all we've been through and why it's my fault & not hers. Oy!

Has anyone else had this experience? How did you handle the enabler? So tired of the trauma/drama!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Charlie3236: 

Sorry that your peace was broken by your BIL.  You can set a boundary to not communicate with him.  Can you share some details regarding how you got sucked back in.  Did you progress from communicating with BIL to talking with your sister again? 

If you haven't read about the Karpman Drama Triangle, you might want to read the info. at the link below:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Where do things stand now?  Do you need to shut down circular arguments with either you BIL, sister or both?

[Notwendy]

I deal with this in all different ways.


In college, a counselor recommended I go NC for a while with BPD mom. She felt it was causing me stress. But she and my father were a package deal. I still wanted a relationship with him. Once he came to see me, and drove me to "see mother".

When my father died, my mother painted me black to her FOO. I have hardly seen them since. They were not supportive of me when I lost my Dad. Now, mother wants us to "make up". They have contacted me and I have been cordial to them. Yet she tells me I need to be more understanding of them because they had family stresses at the time they didn't contact me. I don't wish to hold a grudge. The missing piece of this is me. There isn't any interest in what I think. Basically, BPD mom can behave however she wants to with no consequences to the relationship, and as far as she is concerned, so can her FOO. My job is to comply with whatever they want. Sorry, I don't want to.

So Dad enabled BPD mom, and she and her FOO enable each other.

[Charlie3236]

Hey again NaughtyNibbler! Thanks for the link, I will go there as soon as I'm done with this response!

No I haven't talked to BPD little sis directly since her last nasty-gram, but she has her husband convinced that her horrendous behavior is totally justified because I've been so awful to her.
*** eyes rolling***
So it was all rehashed with him, which I don't think I'll do again now that I realize he's totally brainwashed (and on drugs!).

Yes I definitely need to shut down circular arguments, but I find it more difficult when in the moment. I find myself defending my words and actions constantly, to no avail of course! I've read a lot about all the communication techniques, but they come very unnaturally to me and require a lot of work and focus, and I start to wonder if it's even worth it. Like I'm working so hard to maintain a relationship that brings me nothing but pain and heartache for years now?

[Charlie3236]

Hey Notwendy! That's so sad being painted black... .I've certainly been there and it's AWFUL! And also so sad that they couldn't be there for you when you lost your dad... .so sorry!

I know what you mean about being the missing piece. It's like your feelings don't even factor into the equation? I don't know why certain people are singled out this way, but it's soo frustrating!

What did you decide to do? Are you going to reconnect with family or no?