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Author Topic: I lost my mind yesterday, then got a happy birthday from my exBPDgf  (Read 670 times)
Hlinthewiking
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
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« on: January 17, 2017, 10:10:09 AM »

Hi guys :/... I'v been getting worse and worse since last week, Sunday I was so depressed I didn't leave home or took a shower, yesterday I got scared... .

 I was trying to workout in the gym, doing squats and I was really having a hard time focusing and contracting my muscles, extremely fatigued even though it was my first exercise. Then I started to pass out and sat down and checked my BP for 10min, it was normal. I had to call it, I couldn't exercise. After I left the gym I had to get some prescription meds at the pharmacy, when I got there I was in so bad shape, I couldn't write my name in the prescription, I had to ask for help. Leaving the pharmacy I was having to really focus not to break down in public, I got to my car, started getting teary, focused real hard to be able to drive, got home, sent my therapist a message, started to shake harder, broke down real bad, crying and even laughing, my therapist asked if I had a medication at home, since I didn't he told me to have a drink.

Today is my birthday and all that happened yesterday around 11AM, after midnight, when I was just starting to get better, I get a message from my exBPDgf, big text... .Saying happy birthday, that she wasn't going to not wish me happy birthday on my day and that she always had a place for me in my heart. I just took a second to reply and said thank you, I wasn't ok that day and didn't know how to respond, she just send a smiley and told me it was ok and to enjoy my day. I really wanted to reply something back, but I was afraid to after everything that had happened.

I crawled to her, she ghosted me, then ignored me, went partying and like had sex same day, then she does this? This is so infuriating. When I met her I used to like my birthday and christmas, now please don't ask me if I do. Every holiday spent crying past midnight, checked.

Should I ignore her? What do I do? I still love her obviously, I just can't be with her, I don't know how to handle it, we will never be friends and I can never be in the same room as hers without melting down.
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IAmIAmIAm

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« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2017, 10:51:54 AM »

I would ignore her. I think she wants a response, even if it's just saying to leave you alone, so not giving her that satisfaction is probably the best way to diffuse the situation. And you should throw yourself another birthday--a treat yourself day. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2017, 11:29:05 AM »

Hi There,
   Happy Birthday 

Do you have an iPhone? What might be a good idea is blocking her number. It won't guarantee she won't call from another number but if she is a texter you won't get the texts.

I blocked my ex's number for over a year. I will say it helped tremendously.

She would never know I blocked her because even when blocked it looks to the sender like it went through.

I feel for you. Holidays are always hard at first. She treated you so badly and disappeared on you like you didn't matter... .

then re-appears to say "Happy Birthday".

Hun, the proof is always in her actions.

Love is not shutting off the flow of communication. By blocking her you are protecting yourself. By her ghosting you it was to take 0 responsibility for her piss-poor actions.

Like coming off drugs, recovery from this is gradual. Kudos for making it to the gym and trying! Kudos to taking medication to help you feel better and cope.

You are doing better than you realize.

Take care of YOU.   
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Rayban
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2017, 11:36:08 AM »

I know how difficult it is to break free from a toxic relationship but you have to give yourself a fighting chance.  Might sound obvious, but if you keep giving her the opportunity to contact you by not blocking her well expect more of the same. The person you love is the same one who slept with someone the same day you broke up with her. The same person who is taking a toll on your health. 

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lovenature
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« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2017, 11:09:02 PM »

Go complete NC if you want to get off the crazy train and heal. The further out you get, the more clearly you will see things and the better you will be able to detach, it has been proven over and over again for so many members.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2017, 05:46:12 PM »

Hi guys :/... I'v been getting worse and worse since last week, Sunday I was so depressed I didn't leave home or took a shower, yesterday I got scared... .

 I was trying to workout in the gym, doing squats and I was really having a hard time focusing and contracting my muscles, extremely fatigued even though it was my first exercise. Then I started to pass out and sat down and checked my BP for 10min, it was normal. I had to call it, I couldn't exercise. After I left the gym I had to get some prescription meds at the pharmacy, when I got there I was in so bad shape, I couldn't write my name in the prescription, I had to ask for help. Leaving the pharmacy I was having to really focus not to break down in public, I got to my car, started getting teary, focused real hard to be able to drive, got home, sent my therapist a message, started to shake harder, broke down real bad, crying and even laughing, my therapist asked if I had a medication at home, since I didn't he told me to have a drink.

Today is my birthday and all that happened yesterday around 11AM, after midnight, when I was just starting to get better, I get a message from my exBPDgf, big text... .Saying happy birthday, that she wasn't going to not wish me happy birthday on my day and that she always had a place for me in my heart. I just took a second to reply and said thank you, I wasn't ok that day and didn't know how to respond, she just send a smiley and told me it was ok and to enjoy my day. I really wanted to reply something back, but I was afraid to after everything that had happened.

I crawled to her, she ghosted me, then ignored me, went partying and like had sex same day, then she does this? This is so infuriating. When I met her I used to like my birthday and christmas, now please don't ask me if I do. Every holiday spent crying past midnight, checked.

Should I ignore her? What do I do? I still love her obviously, I just can't be with her, I don't know how to handle it, we will never be friends and I can never be in the same room as hers without melting down.

You're giving her exactly what she wants.
You're still there - you've not abandoned her.

If you want her to feel what you feel - then make her worst fear come true - abandon her. Properly. Change your number, block all forms of contact.
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Want2know
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WWW
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2017, 07:09:56 PM »

Excerpt
I was so depressed I didn't leave home or took a shower, yesterday I got scared... .

Sorry you are feeling this way... .I've felt this way many times before, wanting to crawl underneath the covers and just check out for a while. 

How you describe your situation is no different from feeling rejected because you didn't get one out of 15 jobs you've applied for, or being the last to be picked on the team at school, or having your car blow out on you and you don't have money in the bank to fix it or get a new one... .that's life.

I want to share this quote with you, as a reminder, and as a goal - love should not be as difficult as you've experienced:

Do not confuse life and love. Life will get difficult. Bills will cause stress, jobs will get old or lost, days will be tiring. You’re going to cry, get angry, wonder what you’re supposed to be doing, sometimes feel nothing. Cars will break down. You may have to sell possessions just to make ends meet and live of grilled cheese sandwiches and hope. This is life. It’s going to be messy. Too many associate the chaos with love, so they think love must be hard. Love is what makes it all bearable, it is the calm center in the middle of the storm.
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“The path to heaven doesn't lie down in flat miles. It's in the imagination with which you perceive this world, and the gestures with which you honor it." ~ Mary Oliver
lovenature
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2017, 07:04:16 PM »

Excerpt
You're giving her exactly what she wants.
You're still there - you've not abandoned her.

If you want her to feel what you feel - then make her worst fear come true - abandon her. Properly. Change your number, block all forms of contact.

NC is for the non to protect their mental and emotional health, give us the needed time away from the craziness to be able to see things clearly and detach out of compassion for ourselves and our PWBPD we loved so much, it isn't to cause more pain for a mentally ill person who didn't intend to hurt us in the first place, in fact they intended the exact opposite. Once we have enough knowledge we can do what's best for our situation.
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lovenature
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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2017, 07:05:38 PM »

Excerpt
Do not confuse life and love. Life will get difficult. Bills will cause stress, jobs will get old or lost, days will be tiring. You’re going to cry, get angry, wonder what you’re supposed to be doing, sometimes feel nothing. Cars will break down. You may have to sell possessions just to make ends meet and live of grilled cheese sandwiches and hope. This is life. It’s going to be messy. Too many associate the chaos with love, so they think love must be hard. Love is what makes it all bearable, it is the calm center in the middle of the storm.

Excellent quote, spot on and absolutely true. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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infjEpic
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2017, 07:58:16 PM »

NC is for the non to protect their mental and emotional health, give us the needed time away from the craziness to be able to see things clearly and detach out of compassion for ourselves and our PWBPD we loved so much, it isn't to cause more pain for a mentally ill person who didn't intend to hurt us in the first place, in fact they intended the exact opposite. Once we have enough knowledge we can do what's best for our situation.

I will agree to disagree where NPD and ASPD traits are involved.

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Hlinthewiking
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« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2017, 10:34:39 AM »

Hey guys, thank you so much for the support. I have been completely away since I made this post, felt like I found the monster in my closet and decided to close it down and forget it's there.

This week he paid me a visit again. Monday would have been our 2 year anniversary, I was able to restrain myself and not contact her then. I was only able to do so because I'v been feeling so angry at her. I'm not used to feeling anger towards her, I usually only get sad and disappointed, but last few times we spoke, I felt angry talking to her, seeing how cold and detached she was from me.

After not talking to her on our day, FOG got a tighter grip on me. Yesterday I checked her profile picture on a social media, couldn't help it, she changed it this week and she's wearing the only piece of cloth I ever had a problem with, it's almost lingerie and she's making a provocative face. After I saw that, I started to get anxious, panicked before bed, even after a strong pain med (codeine) and sleep inducer (zolpidem) my heart was still racing, teeth grinding, I feel a sleep but I didn't relax, I dreamed about her, woke up tense in the same way I had fallen a sleep, unrested and only 5-6h after I had fallen a sleep. I know I can't take pain meds for emotional pain, specially regularly, but I don't like drinking and yesterday I needed something stronger, I can't make this a habit.

I feel really bad that I have been posting too much since xmas and I haven't given much back in the forums, I will try to help other members more but I'v been having a hard time focusing on anything else. I just felt like I needed to come here an share today.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2017, 07:36:58 PM »

Hey guys, thank you so much for the support. I have been completely away since I made this post, felt like I found the monster in my closet and decided to close it down and forget it's there.

This week he paid me a visit again. Monday would have been our 2 year anniversary, I was able to restrain myself and not contact her then. I was only able to do so because I'v been feeling so angry at her. I'm not used to feeling anger towards her, I usually only get sad and disappointed, but last few times we spoke, I felt angry talking to her, seeing how cold and detached she was from me.

Anger is a good stage to be in. It's progress.
It will also protect you.

Excerpt
After not talking to her on our day, FOG got a tighter grip on me. Yesterday I checked her profile picture on a social media, couldn't help it, she changed it this week and she's wearing the only piece of cloth I ever had a problem with, it's almost lingerie and she's making a provocative face. After I saw that, I started to get anxious, panicked before bed, even after a strong pain med (codeine) and sleep inducer (zolpidem) my heart was still racing, teeth grinding, I feel a sleep but I didn't relax, I dreamed about her, woke up tense in the same way I had fallen a sleep, unrested and only 5-6h after I had fallen a sleep. I know I can't take pain meds for emotional pain, specially regularly, but I don't like drinking and yesterday I needed something stronger, I can't make this a habit.

No accident, but I'm sure you know that.
Just remember - she will never be happy. She will never have a normal relationship, because she is not capable of it, and is not willing to do the work.
She will repeat this pattern until her looks fade.

You can have a healthy relationship and you will, after you have recovered.

Block all social media.
When you're recovered, you'll be able to look.

Right now, you are mourning the living. Second to losing a child, that is the hardest loss.

Do not speak to her. No form of contact.
Remove all pictures from social media. Change to full privacy so only you can post on your profile. Make yourself a total mystery and beyond her reach.
Ignoring her is death to a BPD & will probably send her off the deep end, so make sure you change phone number and block email.
Be prepared for a recycling attempt.



Excerpt
I feel really bad that I have been posting too much since xmas and I haven't given much back in the forums, I will try to help other members more but I'v been having a hard time focusing on anything else. I just felt like I needed to come here an share today.

Focus on you, for now.
You are going through the recovery process.
But you will recover.

Anytime you want to share, I'm happy to listen.
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Hlinthewiking
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Posts: 227


« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2017, 09:58:35 PM »

Thank you so much for the support and the advice.

Actually, not too long since I did this reply, she contacted me, said she dreamed about me and was worried, wanting to know if I was better (last time we had spoken she contacted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, but I was just leaving a bad panic episode I said I didn't know how to respond). I made a new post here, I thought this post was already too far gone from the initial post.

I responded and we spoke for an hour or so, she admitted that she changed that profile pic to get my attention, since it didn't work she was contacting me, I just got a different impression from it, I thought it was revenge instead of trying to get my reply. She was trying to conceal and be a bit manipulative, but I could see clearly what she was meaning to say... She said she was afraid before, that's why she didn't want to get back to me, when I tried to get more info and figure out what had changed and if she was afraid before, why wasn't she now, she shut down and became angry, cut me out basically to change subjects, I got her message I know her for a long time, but it was a big red flag for sure. She basically wants a recycle, I think she gave me a clue that I should have gone see her today immediately, but I don't think it would be wise, specially since it was already late into the night and I need more time to think, she may make me pay for this or not, already into the guessing game and guilt trip I don't want to be in, if she does that, it will be the hint I need to get myself far from her.

I wanted to go to a CODA meeting today, I'v been wanting to go for several months, but I never had the courage or opportunity to go, today I regretted not going, since she contacted me right after and made it harder.

In a way I'm more relaxed, I feel a bit lighter, not as anxious, maybe because of finally releasing what I was keeping to tell her, maybe because she gave me some control back, which I felt I had none, tonight I'll just try to get some sleep and try to not make any hasty changes or decisions regarding her until my next therapy session on Monday.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2017, 06:35:54 PM »

Thank you so much for the support and the advice.

Actually, not too long since I did this reply, she contacted me, said she dreamed about me and was worried, wanting to know if I was better (last time we had spoken she contacted me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, but I was just leaving a bad panic episode I said I didn't know how to respond). I made a new post here, I thought this post was already too far gone from the initial post.

I responded and we spoke for an hour or so, she admitted that she changed that profile pic to get my attention, since it didn't work she was contacting me, I just got a different impression from it, I thought it was revenge instead of trying to get my reply. She was trying to conceal and be a bit manipulative, but I could see clearly what she was meaning to say... She said she was afraid before, that's why she didn't want to get back to me, when I tried to get more info and figure out what had changed and if she was afraid before, why wasn't she now, she shut down and became angry, cut me out basically to change subjects, I got her message I know her for a long time, but it was a big red flag for sure. She basically wants a recycle, I think she gave me a clue that I should have gone see her today immediately, but I don't think it would be wise, specially since it was already late into the night and I need more time to think, she may make me pay for this or not, already into the guessing game and guilt trip I don't want to be in, if she does that, it will be the hint I need to get myself far from her.

I wanted to go to a CODA meeting today, I'v been wanting to go for several months, but I never had the courage or opportunity to go, today I regretted not going, since she contacted me right after and made it harder.

In a way I'm more relaxed, I feel a bit lighter, not as anxious, maybe because of finally releasing what I was keeping to tell her, maybe because she gave me some control back, which I felt I had none, tonight I'll just try to get some sleep and try to not make any hasty changes or decisions regarding her until my next therapy session on Monday.

I realise, that I have forgotten to some extent, how incredibly difficult it was for me to go NC.
That's an amazing statement to make in and of itself - I never thought I would ever be able to say that.
The pain was so intense and enveloping.

I have observed tho, in so many cases - the difference between those who come out of the FOG, and those who find it so much harder to come out of the FOG, is that the latter group do not enforce NC.

The difference between those who are severely crippled, and those who are almost totally destroyed, or choose suicide, is that the willingness to enforce NC.

It's very hard to understand and accept - but going NC is not an act of hatred or aggression for your ex, it is an act of love and self preservation for yourself.

Honestly, it is the only cure for the pain.
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lovenature
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« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2017, 10:49:35 PM »

Excerpt
I will agree to disagree where NPD and ASPD traits are involved.

NPD and HPD traits are commonly shown by a PWBPD, the intent is different though. ASPD is the one cluster B disorder that is very different. The diagnosis or no diagnosis isn't what is really important, there are many hurtful people in the world, what really matters is why did we allow someone to cause us so much pain?
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