Preparing for Being Painted White

[thrownforaloop]

Hey all,

I'm worried. So, the man my exBPDw cheated on me with, then left me for, and moved in with, is moving back to his country at the end of this month. I know this because she texted me last week, telling me how heartbroken she is. She said she was sorry if she ever made me feel this heartbroken--which is quite the insult, if I'm being honest.

Anyway, she's painting me white again. She's been letting my exSS7 call me way more for the last week or so... .which is obviously her gearing up and preparing for the switch and replace after her current man leaves. She was already hitting me up for money to help with my exSS7's child care this morning... .which may or may not be reasonable... .I don't know. I probably will contribute, because I love the kid, but at the same time, I'm worried at how often she'll be trying to get money from me instead of figuring out how to budget and hold a job.

Also, my exBPDw and my exSS7 are going to be out of a place to live as her boyfriend leaves--as apparently the apartment they are in is his. She said her and my exSS7 are going to be moving into our old house that's currently in foreclosure. Sounds like a terrible idea to me, but sure? Why not. Have your son ripped away from his home at random whenever the bank comes and kicks you out... great plan, great stability. 

I genuinely worry about my exSS7... .but acknowledge that it will always be like this when my exBPDw has a say. She will always create disaster and chaos--as it's her comfort zone. I still can't figure out how to deal with the anxiety though. I worry about her boy so much, but feel so very helpless. I'm all the way across the country and feel like moving back would leave me too vulnerable to her cruel behavior.

I don't like worrying that every year or so they'll be bouncing from house to house... .as she burns through men, jobs and inability to pay rent. And of course, with the chaos, she'll constantly loop back to hitting me up for support... .usually financial, but occasionally emotional. It will never end. It's sickening, really.

[Mutt]

Hi thrownforaloop,

I still can't figure out how to deal with the anxiety though. I worry about her boy so much, but feel so very helpless. I'm all the way across the country and feel like moving back would leave me too vulnerable to her cruel behavior.

I don't like worrying that every year or so they'll be bouncing from house to house... .as she burns through men, jobs and inability to pay rent. And of course, with the chaos, she'll constantly loop back to hitting me up for support... .usually financial, but occasionally emotional. It will never end. It's sickening, really.

I'm sorry to hear that. Anxiety is tough, have you talked to your MD about anxiety? Exercise helps most people with anxiety, the effects from exercise can last for days, just simply going for a walk helps, try calm breathing, there are strategies that can help alleviate anxiety symptoms, anxiety is just our body's natural response to danger but it can interfere with our when the response doesn't shut off.

I hope that writing it down helped you, you can take a look at what you write down when you're worrying and challenge your thoughts, for example "she'll always hit me up for money" what's another way of interpreting that? "If ii set the boundary on myself and say no, I don't have to give her money"

I can understand how distressing that would feel, you're not absorbed certain how the future holds out, your ex always managed to get by? A pwBPD have a dependency on others with things that they really should be doing for themselves, she has to want to help herself, moving closer to her isn't going to help, trying to fix things is not a long term solution.

Try writing things down, then challenge your thoughts. I hope that helps.

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks Mutt, good advice. I've been keeping up with going to jui jitsu twice a week, as well as walking to as many places as possible. I think you're right--it is helping a good deal. I still feel overwhelmed a bit though... .perhaps I should speak with a doctor. I probably won't, but I should. 

Your advice for challenging thoughts is wise. I know that my exSS7 has a grandma that wouldn't let him be homeless... .so that's a comforting thought. I probably won't move back. It's just so hard not to feel guilty when I could be doing more for my exSS7, but I'm not.

One day at a time, I suppose.

[Mutt]

One day at a time, I suppose.

That's a good idea, you're already doing ju-jitsu and walking, I just wanted to add to also take really good care of yourself by doing a lot of self care, talk to an MD.