Hello

[Venefica]

Hello, and... .what a shade of green I must be from envy.  I was literally moved to sniffling while reading about how much so many of you care about your BPD-person, and the struggles that you have taken part in out of love for them... .they are indeed lucky to have you all.  While they may not show it, I can assure you that your concern means the world to them. 

I can certainly empathize with the frustration that so many of you feel- my father was a charming hodgepodge of BPD, alcoholic, and sociopath.  Ungodly difficult, obnoxious, brilliant, and selfish, but I loved him more than anything, and unfortunately allowed him to force my needs to the back burner for a lifetime.  Some partners have echoed that stupid struggle, narcissists, and I like to think that I at least was able to understand that the monster fueling them was not so different from my own, maybe, and I've tried to forgive them, while hoping for the same. 

And then there's the distinct nudge of guilt as I read about the pain that BPD sufferers, (like me), can cause, without even meaning to, or thinking about it.  It's the most shameful and hideous condition for someone who is naturally soft-hearted and empathic to have, this disgusting and humiliating achilles heel.  It's such an ugly thing to have, to look so helplessly stupid and puerile on the outside, while on the inside you're being ripped apart by a black vortex.  It's almost like being embarrassed of involuntarily vomiting or pissing yourself, or something- you can't really control it, not much, and people would understand and forgive if they knew how badly it hurt and how impossible it is to keep a lid on.  It's not pretty... .

And yet, people are too often loathe to really try to understand it.  Why on earth would anyone intelligent or reasonable subject themselves to what is clearly a torturous way of living?  It's not gratifying in the least.  Familiar sometimes, and a habit that can be easily slipped in to, but not gratifying, really.  Any victory that you can achieve in that state inevitably leads to tremendous guilt and an inability to enjoy or use whatever you have won, so I don't think that it's really about manipulation, as some erroneously believe. 

For me, I have had extremes of control taken from me very forcefully, and been made to feel miserably helpless by it... .if I am upset and demanding, it is because I need very badly to feel that I have some control or influence in the situation... .doesn't need to be blind obedience, but some cooperation works wonders.  To feel that such a thing is impossible reduces me to sheer terror and rage, and reverts me too quickly back to a hysterical, powerless, and ultimately pathetic, forsaken 9 yr old who can't stop something horribly unfair and wrong happening to them.  It's overwhelming, and almost impossible to explain... .and doesn't usually make people want to work with you much, I don't suppose.

And that is what has led me to this site.  I honestly can't imagine a partner so caring that they would independently research and discuss my condition and our relationship, so that things could be improved thereby.  I feel sort of stupid, like having to be my own cheerleader, or as if I'm having to choreograph my boyfriend's willingness to help me, by being the one to join, but so be it.  He is of a decided passive-aggressive bent, and the resultant standoff that characterizes any disagreement between us is killing me.

I would love to have the luxury of being a petulant brat, one who is annoying the hell from my partner in ignorant bliss, totally unaware that I am wrong for doing anything, and so forth.  While he scurries around trying to put band-aids on my brain and mouth, and tries to soothe and pet me back to normal, I could make excuses and try to dodge his best efforts at helping me, and all that, and live up to the nasty BPD stereotype.  But, unfortunately, I have to play both parts, while being desperately f***'d up myself, and must try to explain to him how to help me, because I need him to, badly, and for some reason, his willingness to do that is something that exists only in theory. 

I don't get why he can't do the few simple things that I've all but had written in the sky by an airplane, except that he seems to thrive on frustrating me.  It's the damnedest thing, and obviously not something that a healthy person would do, and I simply cannot understand why it's so important to him to debase me like this.  I feel like I'm on fire, while he stands there and smirks about it, just to hurt me more.  I'm honestly starting to suspect that he's as screwed up as I am, but unwilling to admit it.  There's an excuse for everything, and at the end of the day, what it seems to come down to, is that he doesn't really want to help me... .not if it requires him to do anything like... .oh, say kind words, or not invalidate me.  He acts like he's totally willing, but then is just a jerk, while I'm trying to be a therapy coach and pissed off, haughty ___ at the same time, which isn't easy. 

I can't make him understand that the frustration of his noncooperation is driving me nuts, and the fact that he has pushed my most sensitive, very specific boundaries over the edge, on purpose, (like, physical ones), really hurts me badly.  My ability to trust him is all but destroyed at this juncture, and I need to be able to make him see that there can be hope... .but only if he is willing to repair some of the damage by being more sensitive in the future.   

I'm well aware that some personality types, like narcissists, or sociopaths, or what have you, get off on the power trip they achieve by denying something so important to someone.  I guess it's passive aggression and punishment at its finest, as BPD is akin to extreme vulnerability, and our situation leaves him in a perfect position to torment someone.  Especially someone who has recently been a raging ___ to him, and poked rather mercilessly with insults when their own distress has failed to register any hint of concern or compassion, and fear gives way to shame and rage at not mattering... .ugh.

To me, these intolerable moods are like a disaster that the entire community would do very well to contribute to extinguishing, but that's because I alone know how much they hurt.  I've explained it over and over, and he seems to get it, but then, there it goes again... .and he's just as cold, mean, and downright antagonistic as ever.  Ordinarily, he's a very sweet person, (if slightly repressed), and I love him dearly, and he claims to love me, as well.  I'm hoping that perhaps we can both learn how to defuse me and get him more in touch with his emotions, if that is even possible, before we kill us both... .

Anyhow... .I really like what I've read of advice and technique on the forum- it's very nearly exactly what I know would help me tremendously, in terms of communicating, defusing, etc.  It's very nice to see it laid out so eloquently and concisely, and, best of all, coming from someone other than me.  Thank you for that, and for the compassion that everyone here has for some of the people in their lives... .it's really touching and nice to see.

I have come to believe that things like compassion and empathy come only from people who have such grace and dignity about themselves that they wish to confer it upon those who appear to deserve it the least, for they truly need it the most... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome. It's very interesting hearing about your relationship from the perspective of someone with BPD. Many of your frustrations sound exactly like our frustrations: trouble communicating, pushing buttons, etc. Although the communication techniques are set up to help us get along better with our pwBPD they can work opposite too. They could work for you also. Validation is important to everyone.

I'm sorry that you are having difficulty in your relationship in getting your partner to learn more about BPD. COuld he be in a denial stage where he just doens't want to admit that there are problems? You mentioned that you think he may be just as screwed up as you, and that may be possible, just in a different way. His part of the relationship is to just want to fix things. It's part of co-dependency. It's become a part of the dance between the two of you.

Thank you again for your insight. I know for many of us on this board, our significant others frequently don't like to talk about BPD so hearing from someone with BPD can help us see how they see the world.