Got an email from the ex, how on earth can someone be like that? How to respond

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

First the email, exactly like she typed it, capitals and all :

"ItsValium,

Is my account for the project still active?
I would have liked it to be reactivated in the future, I start working fulltime on febr. 15th for K.
So we will HAVE to keep in touch, on a PROFESSIONAL level that is. I won't let this go towards my employer.

I would like to make it clear, that this is only professional and I will surely stand by my decision and leave "US" in the past to never look back.

Ofcourse it feels weird, regarding the project for me, but I will keep it professional.
However I am proud that you continue with it and I still believe in the concept and I hope that it can make you rich.
At least that will be something you can accomplish.

E"

Short backstory for those of you who haven't read my older posts :
Know eachother as best friends for almost 8 years, I'm the godfather of her son, broke up with the father (my best friend at the time) after he cheated on her and started with me. Almost immediately moved in with me with her son, a year later she starts the fog and makes me believe I'm the sick one. I go to therapy because of her threat that I won't see her nor her son anymore. We try to keep the relationship on, two months later after a super weekend all of a sudden a 180 turn. Painted black, she cut of all contact (saying it was spiritualy guided) and a month later starts accussing me of hacking, stalking, tracking, mindgames and whatnot ... .(I'm a high level IT consultant so she thinks I'm capable of even stuff the NSA can't get done) again cut of for a while when around christmas she started texting me accusing me of more hacking (her phone and her personal laptop and her professional one too) and keeps claiming she started a lawsuit against me for it. Last text of that kind was on jan 8th when I was with my family for the new year she claimed I was hacking her WiFi (over 20 miles away!) to get data off her phone and the phone of her ex the kids father (where she moved back in with because the house still wasn't sold and she didn't have another option financially, claiming there's nothing going on between them). I got a call from her aunt and her mom too stating she painted the family completely black too on newyears day, and nobody has heard or seen her since.

Now to the mail, the project we started together back in may last year, all went well, devided tasks (I did technicall stuff, she did pr and administration) I sunk my entire life savings in the investment in june when all tests were very promising and since she makes a good living we could get buy until the project started bringing in the money. She called the project our baby, always did and promised that that would be our future together, it would bring a future for her son and endless possibilities. The first and biggest client was K. someone who helped us with technicalities and workflows, whom we met through her job where K. is a boardmember of the non-profit she works for. After the first breakup when she sent me to therapy she allready sent K. a mail stating I was sick (pathalogic liar, asperger syndrome, ... .) but she believed I could still bring the project to a good end. So K. backed down a bit but K. kept going for the project. After the final breakup (3th octobre) I heard from several member of the organisation she was painting me black, with the hacking and other stuff so I lost clients, but K. kept going albeit distant and carefull. My ex stated at that time that I didn't deserve the project to succeed, that I never accomplish anything, never finish anything, ... .And now this.

If she wanted to keep it professional, the first two lines were all that needed to be there right?

And I am really reluctant to grant access, because with the accusations, the pending lawsuit and all, how can she expect me to give her access to my project, with a lot of sensitive information on there, and foremost, giving her another weapon in her claims, just like she did with her mailaccounts (she asked me at the beginning of the relationship to transfer all her mail to my servers and stuff because she didn't trust her ex anymore, and now claims I hacked and tracked her using those same accounts?). Ofcourse I would know when and from where she would be working and login in. It runs on my servers! But that way she would have another weapon to present her accusations as the truth to anyone.

Is she going nuts because she failed at sabotaging the project? All of a sudden she is now proud and still believes in it? It feels weird for her? Imagine how I feel working on it every day and having to look at her design (she made the logo and the webdesign for the fronted was her idea too), having to keep in touch with her bosses and coworkers? Whom I know have heard her story about me? She hopes it will make me rich? Damn I would forfait every buck I get out of it if only she would come to her senses!

Last but not least : "At least that will be something you can accomplish." OH REALLY, she's the one sabotaging everything!

I haven't responded but I'll have too, I have no legal grounds to not grant her access (since her boss pays the fees and has a contract for the use of it) but I don't want to give her access because of the implications and power it gives her in her imaginary world... .

Help, I'm at loss here ... .

[ItsVal]

First the email, exactly like she typed it, capitals and all :

"ItsValium,

Is my account for the project still active?
I would have liked it to be reactivated in the future, I start working fulltime on febr. 15th for K.
So we will HAVE to keep in touch, on a PROFESSIONAL level that is. I won't let this go towards my employer.

I would like to make it clear, that this is only professional and I will surely stand by my decision and leave "US" in the past to never look back.

Ofcourse it feels weird, regarding the project for me, but I will keep it professional.
However I am proud that you continue with it and I still believe in the concept and I hope that it can make you rich.
At least that will be something you can accomplish.

E"

Short backstory for those of you who haven't read my older posts :
Know eachother as best friends for almost 8 years, I'm the godfather of her son, broke up with the father (my best friend at the time) after he cheated on her and started with me. Almost immediately moved in with me with her son, a year later she starts the fog and makes me believe I'm the sick one. I go to therapy because of her threat that I won't see her nor her son anymore. We try to keep the relationship on, two months later after a super weekend all of a sudden a 180 turn. Painted black, she cut of all contact (saying it was spiritualy guided) and a month later starts accussing me of hacking, stalking, tracking, mindgames and whatnot ... .(I'm a high level IT consultant so she thinks I'm capable of even stuff the NSA can't get done) again cut of for a while when around christmas she started texting me accusing me of more hacking (her phone and her personal laptop and her professional one too) and keeps claiming she started a lawsuit against me for it. Last text of that kind was on jan 8th when I was with my family for the new year she claimed I was hacking her WiFi (over 20 miles away!) to get data off her phone and the phone of her ex the kids father (where she moved back in with because the house still wasn't sold and she didn't have another option financially, claiming there's nothing going on between them). I got a call from her aunt and her mom too stating she painted the family completely black too on newyears day, and nobody has heard or seen her since.

Now to the mail, the project we started together back in may last year, all went well, devided tasks (I did technicall stuff, she did pr and administration) I sunk my entire life savings in the investment in june when all tests were very promising and since she makes a good living we could get buy until the project started bringing in the money. She called the project our baby, always did and promised that that would be our future together, it would bring a future for her son and endless possibilities. The first and biggest client was K. someone who helped us with technicalities and workflows, whom we met through her job where K. is a boardmember of the non-profit she works for. After the first breakup when she sent me to therapy she allready sent K. a mail stating I was sick (pathalogic liar, asperger syndrome, ... .) but she believed I could still bring the project to a good end. So K. backed down a bit but K. kept going for the project. After the final breakup (3th octobre) I heard from several member of the organisation she was painting me black, with the hacking and other stuff so I lost clients, but K. kept going albeit distant and carefull. My ex stated at that time that I didn't deserve the project to succeed, that I never accomplish anything, never finish anything, ... .And now this.

If she wanted to keep it professional, the first two lines were all that needed to be there right?

And I am really reluctant to grant access, because with the accusations, the pending lawsuit and all, how can she expect me to give her access to my project, with a lot of sensitive information on there, and foremost, giving her another weapon in her claims, just like she did with her mailaccounts (she asked me at the beginning of the relationship to transfer all her mail to my servers and stuff because she didn't trust her ex anymore, and now claims I hacked and tracked her using those same accounts?). Ofcourse I would know when and from where she would be working and login in. It runs on my servers! But that way she would have another weapon to present her accusations as the truth to anyone.

Is she going nuts because she failed at sabotaging the project? All of a sudden she is now proud and still believes in it? It feels weird for her? Imagine how I feel working on it every day and having to look at her design (she made the logo and the webdesign for the fronted was her idea too), having to keep in touch with her bosses and coworkers? Whom I know have heard her story about me? She hopes it will make me rich? Damn I would forfait every buck I get out of it if only she would come to her senses!

Last but not least : "At least that will be something you can accomplish." OH REALLY, she's the one sabotaging everything!

I haven't responded but I'll have too, I have no legal grounds to not grant her access (since her boss pays the fees and has a contract for the use of it) but I don't want to give her access because of the implications and power it gives her in her imaginary world... .

Help, I'm at loss here ... .

[Mutt]

Hi ItsVal,



I'd respond with BIFF, Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm, I communicate this way with uBPDxw for the last 4 years. I'll look for what is valid to respond to in her email, if she's projecting or blame shifting, I don't validate that, it's been some time since I've received an angry email from her. I think that it's because of the way that I respond to her.

That being said, make yourself into a small target, respond only to what is valid, don't JADE ( Justify Attack Defend or Explain ) You don't have to explaining anything to anyone, don't display emotional attachment in your writing, act detached, don't offer her any information about your personal life

BIFF Technique for Email Communications

[ItsVal]

@Mutt

Thx for the link to BIFF, I allready read it a while a go and reread it just now. But I'm at loss here ... .

Damned if I do, damned if I don't is all I can think of right now.

In past communications I tried all kinds of ways to respond, not responding, responding as short and unemotionals as possible, emotional response and even mad once or twice ... .And every time she uses it against me.

Not responding : "See you just never cared, you're even worse than I thought", "No response, because you know I'm right and you admit to it just by not responding"
Short, unemotional responses : "We were best friends for years and shared a bed for years, don't talk to me like that, act normal"
Emotional responses: "Stop playing mindgames, stop the lies and betrayal, it's you at fault"
Mad: ... .

That's just the jist of the reactions, but never once a normal reply without her trying to lure me into engaging. And if I don't then she starts using the kid or in this case her 'carrier' ... .

I don't want to harm her, nor do I want to badmouth her or anything, I wish her and her son the best, I truely do but she is constantly crossing the line ... .

I'm tempted not to respond at all, because that seems to me as the lesser of all evils, but then I might get in trouble with her boss as I'm pretty sure she'll go that route ... .And badmouth me some more ... .

Anyone care to help make up a possible response?

[Mutt]

You can't control how someone else responds, you can only control how you respond, if you don't give her your usual response I makes sense that there will be a little backlash the messages may ramp up but it will get bettor, I don't know how many times my ex baited or called me immature with my responses, it's because she didn't like it. Set the boundary on you to no respond, stick to your guns regardless if she has a tantrum or not, defend your boundary. I agree with you that this message doesn't have something valid to respond to and doesn't warrant a response, don't respond back. If she follows with another message, type it back here fo help.

[ItsVal]

I'm just wondering should I give the boss heads up? She mailed to my private address but with her work email. So not even to the project email address.

If I envolve her boss than she will hold that against me, but I feel I should protect myself from more mud and smearing from her ... .

[Mutt]

I think that she sent that email because she's the one that's worried. I advise to not get in the middle of it.

[ItsVal]

She's the one that's worried?  How on earth do you get that out of this? About what, she just jumped jobs from the non profit to her boss's firm, which she wanted for a while allready when trouble started at her current job (sometime early last year she had a few run ins with other boardmembers, just like late last year). She's of the impression that her and her boss are on really good terms both on and of the job (her boss is female and more a motherfigure so not a replacement or whatever) and she has been badmouthing me all over the place up to a point her boss almost caved but after a couple of weeks of disrupted contact with me resprung the project ... .If I don't give access she will be more than happy to use that against me to put strength to her words, and if I do and something doesn't work she'll use that against me to state I'm the loser she claims I am and she will also be able to use it against me as a means of stalking her ... .

In no way am I the one in control here, so what could she possibly be worried about?

[Mutt]

The reason why I say that is because BPD is a persecution complex, a pwBPD will cast themselves as victim and others as either rescuer or persecutor, you, your ex and the boss makes three people along a triangle. Now, I'm not saying that you're being triangulated, there is good and bad triangulation by the way. According to Margailis Fjelstad's book, Stop Caretaking the pwBPD/NPD is to remove yourself completely from this dynamic and let pwBPD problem solve their own issues.  

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT

That being said, there's a chance that if you go to her boss and explain and she goes to her boss, do you think that she'll cast herself in the role of victim and you as persecutor? There's a 50/50 chance, but I think that margin is much lower if you don't act on it. It's on her, not on you if she goes around and says things about you, you can't control that.

tsValium,

Is my account for the project still active?
I would have liked it to be reactivated in the future, I start working fulltime on febr. 15th for K.
So we will HAVE to keep in touch, on a PROFESSIONAL level that is. I won't let this go towards my employer.

I would like to make it clear, that this is only professional and I will surely stand by my decision and leave "US" in the past to never look back.

Ofcourse it feels weird, regarding the project for me, but I will keep it professional.
However I am proud that you continue with it and I still believe in the concept and I hope that it can make you rich.
At least that will be something you can accomplish.

E"

Why do she mention that it won't go to her employer? Is that a low level threat? I can see how it would feel weird, pwBPD display empathy but when they're emotionally flooded or have a lot going on inside, it's difficult to protray or put yourself into someone shoes, does she think about your needs? I think that the discomfort is her discomfort and there's the possibility that there's projection in there too. A pwBPD have low self worth, low self esteem and that she may feel uncomfortable about your past together. I'm just trying to help you out, but do what you feel is best for you for in your situation

[ItsVal]

I think something got lost in translation regarding the phrase : I won't let this go towards my employer.

We are not native english speakers so I translated it as best I could. She means she won't hesitate to contact me regarding the project as not to have to tell her boss she can't do it or I can't cope with it. So small threat I think inside.

She used to think about my needs, but since final breakup not at all anymore, she crushes me everytime there is any form of contact by constantly accusing me, blaming me and the like. This is the first communication in months where she doesn't accuse me or threatens me directly or puts the blame on me ... .


I'm having a really hard time making up how to handle this, I don't want to jeapordise the project in any way, my financial future depends on it 

[ItsVal]

Well this escalated quickly!

Today I got a phonecall from a landline from the offices of her boss's agency, for which I have been in daily contact with other staff members for the last weeks regarding putting online more and more data for the project. So naturally I picked up the phone ... .Guess what, here's the jist of it :

E: Hey, it's me.
Me: Euh, ok hi (completely flabbergasted, since never expected her on the phone especially since she stated in the mail she only started on feb. 15th for her new job)
E: Did you get my mail?
Me: Euh no, I haven't I completely blocked you ever since your last accusations and communication a couple of weeks ago.
E: Since when can you block email? Anyway, don't be childish, I sent you an email to keep it professional, I need access to the project, let the private stuff out of it, you know why I don't want to talk about that ever again, us is gone, you know what you did and so on ... .So I need access, and I won't take childish or unprofessional behaviour. And a coworker has a couple of questions too for the project ... .and passes the phone to a coworker who was standing next to her, and I heard others there too.!
Coworker : Asks questions, I answer them both polite and professional, she's satisfied with the answer and I ask to speak to E again. Takes a while but I get her back on the phone.
Me: I'm sick of this abuse, the constant accusations and badmouthing, stop it, I have no clue where you get that from, I still haven't gotten any court or legal documents even though you keep claiming I should allready got them ... .And when will you get your stuff that's still at my mom's at your request?
She: Consider yourself lucky I told you what's going on then ... .Your mom should contact me so I can get my stuff, I don't drive by that much.
Me: Euh you want your stuff, I left them at my mom's at your request, it's up to you to go get them. And lucky? Well damn you ... .
E: She interupts and reiterates what has been said over and over again, I know what I did, 'us' is over and forever, we HAVE to keep in touch for the project so keep it professional ... .Are we done ... .
Me: Yes we are ... .
*click*

I freaked out, called my mom to tell her that she can expect a phone/text/visit from E, and that she's gonna be pissed as usual. Tried calling her boss to inform her about the way her new employee is trying to smear me but she didn't answer her phone (I left a voice mail asking her to let me know when we could talk face to face, didn't tell her what about) and called one of her teammembers, whom I have been talking to a lot the last week asking about her boss's schedule, but he had no clue.

Ten minutes later I get an email from that coworker who was asking the questions on my PRIVATE emailadres that only E knows, all other communication with her coworkers went through my business email. I hadn't communicated with that particular coworker before (except on a demo I gave on site) so it's E that's handing out my private email address instead of my professional one whom she knows very well. And on top of that I even came to the realisation that E knows that she doesn't even have to contact me since the project has a module for the compagny owner to manager and create/delete accounts for their teams! E knows that as well, since that was one of the first features that went up and she helped me test it ... .

I'm too worked up now to even start cooling down, I'm pissed of at the way she went about this. First of all, keep it professional? Who's the one bringing up private stuff and issues in both mail and phone conversations, and to make matters worse, in front of her new coworkers whom I have to talk to almost on a daily basis. So the smear campaign is allready started even before HER set date of feb. 15th ? And I can't even start talking about the rest of it right now ... .

HELP this is making me want to give up on everything including the project and ruin myself in the process, I want an honest chance and not have to defend myself every time she sees it fit to do something ... .

[Mutt]

I'm too worked up now to even start cooling down, I'm pissed of at the way she went about this. First of all, keep it professional? Who's the one bringing up private stuff and issues in both mail and phone conversations, and to make matters worse, in front of her new coworkers whom I have to talk to almost on a daily basis.

Take a deep breath. I'm sorry that she embarrassed you in front of coworkers and twisted things around. She's emotionally immature and frankly, she embarrassed herself in front of co-workers for acting petulant and childish.

I suggest to not JADE, or if someone asks you tell your side of the story, there are two sides to every story. I can relate with a smear campaign, don't give her attention, the less attention that you give her, the quicker that this will blow over.

[ItsVal]

This is really getting to me. I kept professional towards her boss during the buildup to the breakup and after, with the project in mind, and my future tied into it. She has always been the one to push me into a corner and then act like the victim when I finally try to get out of it.

I feel like I have no choice to come out and start talking to her boss about this situation as to not let her get away with it and give her a chance to ruin it all for me ... .However I don't want to involve her boss into a totally private and messy situation she has created and apparently doing all she can (maybe unconsciously) to keep it going ... .

[ItsVal]

Had a mailconverstation with the psychologist about the recent events ... .

She advises me that if/when E. contacts me again either by phone or mail and starts getting personal again, to just not react to the personal stuff and cut the communication because she seems to get something (some sort of rush/kick/whatever it may be) out of it. Just cut it of by saying, replying this isn't professional talk anymore, so I'm ending this.

Psychologist also says to inform the boss in a neutral way, not bringing up old stuff, just stating the last fact, that is that she is discrediting me in front of coworkers with personal stuff that never should have even been brought up in the workplace or with coworkers at all, and the fact that she is passing on my private email instead of the professional one she knows all too well. Stating clearly that E. has trouble staying neutral/professional and explaining that this isn't good for the future of the project, and only makes it harder for everyone else involved too. She also hinted on forwarding the mail to her boss along with the above.

I should try to keep as neutral/professional as possible and not let her dominate me/the communication. I know what she means by that, but E. knows how to push my buttons so well, using everything she knows is getting to me (the project, her kid(my godson), really private stuff and most of all I HATE being accused and LIED about, she knows that all too well. She's known me for 8 years as a friend and almost 2 in a close romantic relationship. I've shared my deepest and darkest secrets with her so I gave her all she needs to keep getting at me ... .

This is hard ... .

[ItsVal]

Well an update for how this has played out.

I got hold of the boss and had a meeting, in which I explained what happend, explained why I wasn't taking that sort of behaviour and showing her the mail E. sent. The boss agreed that the phone call in front of coworkers was over the top and not done. Also stated that we all have to keep a professional attitude and leave the personal stuff out of it. Expressed clearly that the project is still going forward. After which we talked about half an hour about the project.

I held of on answering the mail but I had to, since it involves 'work'. So I just sent this like 15 min. ago :

E.

I won't reactivate your account for the following reasons:
- It is an administrative account, and you have no claim on that.
- It is tied to your personal email account on my personal domain, you don't have no claim on that either.
- You allready knew both were disabled, seeing the different attempts to log in
- You know it's your boss that creates and manages accounts for the employees
- You also could use this to discredit me towards others

You will have to turn to your boss for a new employeeaccount. Concerning the rest of your mail, I will respond briefly for  the last time since you brought it up again. After which your mail adres will be relisted on my spamfilters, concidering this is my private mailadres.

My promises to never let our baby bleed to death and try to do good with it, I will always keep, as I will the others I made. Now I also understand the words of C. Your pride and belief I would have appreciated very much in the past but now they are fading shadows of what they used to mean to me. Concering the richness you wish me, you know who and why I did it for, and so that I would let every dollar fly for that too. It's been clear to me for a while now that your spoken and written words only serve one purpose, and your acts reveal that.

You lost every right to expres yourself about me and the project when you conciously, one-sided and all of a sudden decided to ruin 9 years of friendship and so much more because of the monster that was created in your head and you made me believe in. At your suggestion I now have confirmation from different independant other parties that this isn't me. As long as you keep that monster alive I don't see any sence in keeping any possibilities open to communicate except the necessary professional stuff and in doing so prevent who I am from being completely destroyed.

When later tonight the last candle I'm burning for you goes out, I hope from the bottom of my heart and soul that you can accomplish the perfect life you accredit yourself and make the home out of the house in K. that you want for yourself and your son. And then later maybe your son can come sleep in his highrise bed at his godfathers place as he asked me with tears in his eyes when I last saw him that night at my mom's and hughed him before I had to leave.

Good luck on the new job.

ItsVal



For those of you who don't know : she called the project 'our baby' and made me promis I would never quit during our breakup over last summer and made me promise to support a good cause with it too.

I have blocked her mailaddresses now and keep on blocking the rest, unfortunately my business email and phone have to be kept unblocked because she is now starting to work with project and is entitled to support from me ... .

Any thoughts on the reply I sent? Did I do wrong?

[Keef]

Hey ItsVal,

I am very sorry to hear all of this! Doesn't half seem she's really having a go at you.

- I have no experience of sharing business with my uBPDxgf, but I'll try to chime in -

I understand that you've tried different ways of communicating and that she still manages to push those buttons. It seems she has no intention of listening to you. It reminds me of my ex, even though there are no similarities regarding the complicated work situation.

Your ex seems very edgy and hard to handle, a little aggressive, even though you don't share a personal life anymore. I just get a sense that she is quite determined, and that she's not going to listen to you. She could be in denial. I think you did the right thing in communicating things with the boss. This boss will hopefully be able to separate business from what your ex has said, it sounds like it.

You need to protect your boundaries in the ways you can. May I suggest you be more brief when further contact with your ex is needed? Try to be as detached as possible since your ex sounds easily emotionally triggered. Her emotions are very much spilling into the business plans/strategy, something you as a pro know is the wrong way to go. Try to minimize language that could be interpreted as dramatic, use less strong imagery.

I really understand that you are upset, I hope some of my opinions makes sense.

As for you, what buttons is she pushing?

Let us know what's next.

Keef